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Old 04-10-2018, 08:29 AM   #826
CDONA
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Was there a black strappy leather/rubber outfit and heels worn for your punishment?
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Old 04-10-2018, 05:42 PM   #827
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How come there's 2 doors on a chicken coupe?


















Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a sedan.
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Old 04-10-2018, 06:58 PM   #828
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Originally Posted by Lonster View Post
How come there's 2 doors on a chicken coupe?


















Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a sedan.
Truly, this is one of my all time favorite jokes.
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Old 04-11-2018, 10:13 AM   #829
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A man was sitting in his car in stopped traffic on the highway when a cop knocked on his window. He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

The officer said, "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

The man said, "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

The officer replied, "On average, about two gallons."
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Old 04-11-2018, 10:58 AM   #830
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Old 04-17-2018, 07:26 AM   #831
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Abacinator View Post
And I don't have any guilt for laughing either!
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Old 04-17-2018, 12:00 PM   #832
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What's the difference between BMWs and porcupines?




The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.
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Old 04-17-2018, 05:06 PM   #833
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Or Audi or Porsche or...
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Old 04-17-2018, 06:13 PM   #834
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nobody is inside an s1krr or other...
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Old 04-18-2018, 01:02 PM   #835
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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.


So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....
and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

*The note read:* 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

*It read:* 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: "I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas ..
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches.

*Just send the fucking wine back...
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Old 04-18-2018, 01:27 PM   #836
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Well played, sir.
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Old 05-07-2018, 11:24 AM   #837
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Quote:
Originally Posted by westie View Post
What's 80 feet long and has 12 teeth?



The front row of a Ted Nugent concert.
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Old 05-17-2018, 10:34 AM   #838
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Some religious jokes:

========================================

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."
And ‘poof’ she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and ‘poof’ she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he ask

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

========================================

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question." noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" Ah, yes." replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see." replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste." answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete Dick."

========================================

Centuries ago, the pope decreed that Jews in Italy had to convert or leave. There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay.

Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened.

The pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

========================================

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

========================================
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The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
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Old 05-26-2018, 10:54 AM   #839
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A vacationing penguin driving through Arizona notices his oil light is on. He stops and gets out of the car and sees oil dripping from the engine. He has the car towed to the nearest town. He wanders around the town while the mechanic takes a look at his car. He sees an ice cream shop and being a penguin in Arizona he decides something cold would be great right about now. He gets a big bowl of ice cream and sits down. Having no hands he makes a huge mess eating the ice cream with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream he heads back to the mechanic's shop. He asks the mechanic if he found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."


"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
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Old 05-26-2018, 12:40 PM   #840
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Monkey joke:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9ETlTZoF1E
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