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Old 02-25-2014, 07:42 AM   #31
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That is one of my fav's Dave!!


After having experienced the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in my home state of Alabama, I decided to have my next one performed while visiting friends in San Francisco, where beautiful nurses are said to be much more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, a really gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.



Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!!
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Old 02-25-2014, 11:34 PM   #32
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On a medical theme.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.
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Old 02-26-2014, 07:38 AM   #33
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Like


An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her
'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!

So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.

SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*

*


*


*


*


SHE TURNED INTO the first Holiday Inn SHE COULD FIND!!!


I said old.. not dead
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Old 02-27-2014, 10:12 AM   #34
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if life gives you melons, you're dislexic
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Old 02-27-2014, 10:24 AM   #35
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Damn, I must be a dyslexic, I believe in Dog.
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Old 02-28-2014, 01:13 PM   #36
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Today's humor is long but a good read.

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my kids purchased for me a week of personal
training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since
being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic,
anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
_______________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me
want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my kids
will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the
floor with diamonds!!!
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Old 02-28-2014, 07:16 PM   #37
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After 15 years a guy escapes from San Quentin. He breaks into a house and finds a young couple in bed. He forces the young man into a chair and duck tapes him there. He leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom. The man whispers to his wife "Honey this man probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. Do whatever he says of he might kill us. Be strong honey I love you. The wife leans over and whispers He wasn't kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute. So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey love you too."
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Old 03-01-2014, 11:47 AM   #38
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It's the middle of summer and two nuns are painting the nunnery. Not wanting to get paint on their habit's and because of the heat they decide to strip down to their underwear.
They are working away when the doorbell rings. "Who is it?" asks the elder nun and receives "It's the blind man".
The elder nun reassures the younger that since the man is blind there will be no sin even in their state of undress and opens the door for the man.

He walks in, states "Nice tits sister, now which window would you like me to put the blinds up on?"

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Old 03-01-2014, 06:20 PM   #39
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Profound Thought For The Day


" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. "
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Old 03-03-2014, 01:55 PM   #40
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A public service message

Thought you should know that the book ‘Understanding Women, Volume1’ is now out in paperback.
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Old 03-07-2014, 02:35 AM   #41
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that would be Vol. 1-book 1
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Why Should One Give A Fuck If A Victim Shoots Their Victimizer-Meter Man

I am so sad for you that you were conceived with pee-amazighlol
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Old 04-02-2014, 07:34 AM   #42
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The MinnesotaTaxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
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Old 04-02-2014, 08:04 AM   #43
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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.
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Old 04-02-2014, 12:22 PM   #44
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Why Should One Give A Fuck If A Victim Shoots Their Victimizer-Meter Man

I am so sad for you that you were conceived with pee-amazighlol
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Old 04-07-2014, 07:06 PM   #45
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Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
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