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Old 01-13-2018, 10:27 AM   #796
EastBayDave
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pushrod View Post
Thanks. Punch line was much funnier without the partisan snark.
don't shoot the messenger....
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Old 01-14-2018, 11:29 AM   #797
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pushrod View Post
Thanks. Punch line was much funnier without the partisan snark.
Funnier for half the people in the country, less funny for 75% of people in CA.
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Old 01-16-2018, 09:58 AM   #798
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Six retired Jewish men from Florida were playing poker in the condo
clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest,
and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the
other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They
cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They
tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the dead man's apartment and knocks on the door. His
wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"No problem - I'll let him know," says Goldberg.
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Old 01-18-2018, 07:01 PM   #799
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An lady news reporter is out doing an interview with a old farmer about his range. As the camera started rolling, the interview asked:
- Sir, your cows are so healthy, what do you feed them?
-- Which one? asked the farmer.
- The brown one.
-- Her, I feed grass.
- And the black one over there?
-- I also feed her grass.

The interviewer thought that was rather odd but she moved on.
- Sir, how much milk do they produce daily?
-- Which one?
- The brown one.
-- She gives about 1/2 gallon a day
- And the black one??
-- She also gives about half gallon a day.

At this point, the interviewer got curious and a little agitated.
- Sir, why do you ask which cow when they are the same?!
-- Oh because the brown one is mine. Said the farmer.
- And the BLACK ONE???
-- She's also mine.
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Old 01-18-2018, 07:15 PM   #800
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^^ Very good
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Old 01-20-2018, 09:16 AM   #801
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?


















Nobody's ever paid 50 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on your face.

Last edited by Brokenlink; 01-20-2018 at 11:09 AM..
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Old 01-20-2018, 10:36 AM   #802
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LOL

---------------------------------

A young fellow was walking down the street, passing a nursing home that is all fenced up. The fence was tall to give the seniors privacy.

As the young man walking by, he heard lots of exciting cheers. Then, the a few elders start chanting.

"46!"

"46!"

"46!"

Then the elder ladies joined in the chant:

"46!"

"46!"

This piqued the curiosity of the fellow greatly, as you could imagine. He looked about and saw a little hole a few feet away, at about his chest level, just enough for see thru and see what's behind the fence. He walked over, bent down and looked in.

Suddenly a finger poked him in the eye.

"47!"

"47!"

"47!"
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Old 01-24-2018, 12:36 PM   #803
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OUCH!

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This cowboy walks into the saloon.
When the bartender gets over to him he says, "I bet the price of a beer I can make that horse outside laugh."
Having never seen a horse laugh the bartender looks him over and says, "You're on."
The 'poke goes out and whispers in the horse's ear. First the horse looks startled. Then it starts whinnying so hard it nearly falls down.
The bartender pours the beer and hands it to the 'poke. Being real thirsty the 'poke drains the beer in one slurp.
After he's placed the empty glass on the bar he tells the bartender, "I'll bet'cha another I can go out there and make him cry now."
The bartender looks a bit puzzled at first then decides it would be worth the beer to see him actually do it and accepts the bet.
The 'poke goes back out, whispers in the horses ear again, they both look down, and the horses eyes widen and start tearing up.
The 'poke walks back in for another round. He takes his time with this pint. Not wanting to rush him the bartender waits until 'poke's done with his second free beer and asks, "How'd you do that?"
To which the 'poke explains, "First I told him my dick was bigger than his...then I showed him."
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Last edited by CocoLoco; 01-24-2018 at 12:37 PM..
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Old 01-29-2018, 09:00 AM   #804
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Location: Palo Alto, Ca.
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Who thinks this stuff up?

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist

• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned
on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about antigravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro: what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn't last.
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Old 01-31-2018, 04:28 PM   #805
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Oh, Budman, you truly are a dad.
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Old 02-09-2018, 08:16 AM   #806
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This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
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Old 02-10-2018, 05:44 PM   #807
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There was a young man

From Cork who got limericks

And haikus confused
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Old 02-10-2018, 09:46 PM   #808
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CDONA View Post
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
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Old 02-13-2018, 10:26 PM   #809
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Just heard some guy bragging about his one night stand.

Whatever mate, I've got two night stands. Either side of my bed.
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Old 02-20-2018, 02:55 PM   #810
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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike I guess."
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