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What Are You Thinking Of Right Now?

The drinking from the cup reference. Koi, you have always been generous with alcohol. I for one always joined the clubs, not for the discounts but to support you. I still have booze from the distillery that I hand out to folks.

The cup is you my friend not any of the props you have always generously provided folks.

You’ve also had some big deal serious sh*t going on that probably has not processed. Then there’s Joe, a true friend that had the nerve to go and die doing something stupid.

It’s a lot. People in your circle are also processing and reeling from some of the same stuff you are.
 
ST Guy said:
I’m thinking that you are over thinking your “troubles”. You have, by all accounts, a wonderful wife, two wonderful children, and a good job. What more could you possibly want? Get busy enjoying your life and stop worrying about things you think you should have.
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I'm thinking you're missing the struggling part that I'm talking about.

I have an amazing wife and am lucky to have healthy kids. We are both struggling with the same thing. We talked about it today actually. Admittedly the difference is that she gets to leave the house to work. She gets to see people, disassociate, take a break or a lunch, and fuck off as needed throughout her day. I do not. The only people I see are also the only assholes I see all day most days. My record is 15 days without actually talking to someone who's butthole I don't regularly see. I am on, from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to sleep. My breaks, are when I get to catch up on chores around the house or shopping for the house.

But, getting busy and enjoying life, isn't the helpful answer you think it is. I enjoy life every day. I'm busy chasing twins every day.

But I'm struggling, every day.

I'm not happy with myself, every day.


Today we went out with a colleague of my wife. Took our kids to the park together. Listening to them talk, and hearing the different conversations they have had outside of the park or the group chat, made me realize how little communication I really have with people.

Forcing my thoughts on people in public forums isn't communication. Replying to thoughts that are replying to my thoughts, isn't a conversation.

What I'm struggling with lacking, isn't a comparison value, it's a basic need. It's something that people do, with other people, with intent. I do it with anyone who will listen without intent. It's not that she has 3 friends and I have 0, it's that it is me that prevents thesen outside conversations, It has to be.

There's something I lack, or I show, or I am, that limits that value to others. That prevents that desire to communicate until there is a need. That stops people from including me until they have to. That makes me seek interaction with anyone, regardless of who they are or if they are someone actually in my life. Just to feel a sense of humanity even if logically, its as real as thoughts and prayers are in a tragedy.

I log out of barf tomorrow, this conversation is done. There would be no follow up, there would be no effort made, it doesn't actually matter to anyone involved.

I made the effort to say I'm struggling, I made the effort to explain why I'm struggling. I'm getting told that I shouldn't be struggling and just to suck it up.

It has to be me.
 
thinking about a great dog we had. griffin. pit / great dane mix. basically, a giant pit. 120 pounds of pure muscle. she had an interesting character trait - she didn’t see the point in chasing every ball that was thrown. very purpose driven. among her many awesome qualities, i admired that about her.
 
i_am_the_koi said:
It has to be me.
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The more one repeats this, the more committed one will become to the idea. Consider whether this is helping.

At the risk of offering a platitude, I’m going to offer a platitude: To have a friend, you have to be a friend.

Think of some of the best friends you have observed in your life. What behaviors or characteristics did they have that make them seem that way? If you can pick one, try it on. If you find a few of these and they fit with who you are, you might find that either your circumstances change or how you feel about them does.

That platitude was offered to me at a time in life where I needed to hear it and very definitely didn’t want to. As with many seemingly simple ideas, it has a lot of depth.
 
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tzrider said:
The more one repeats this, the more committed one will become to the idea. Consider whether this is helping.

At the risk of offering a platitude, I’m going to offer a platitude: To have a friend, you have to be a friend.

Think of some of the best friends you have observed in your life. What behaviors or characteristics did they have that make them seem that way? If you can pick one, try it on. If you find a few of these and they fit with who you are, you might find that either your circumstances change or how you feel about them does.

That platitude was offered to me at a time in life where I needed to hear it and very definitely didn’t want to. As with many seemingly simple ideas, it has a lot of depth.
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A better platitude.



I'm not sure what behaviors or characteristics that those people have that are worth emulating. Or that I already don't have or do.

I don't feel that I am underperforming as a friend. I don't feel that I'm a bad friend or a bad person. I don't know what it is about me that breeds these one way street relationships that I feel I have to hold together.

I just know that if I don't make the effort, begin the conversation, send the invite, or just walk across the paddock to their pit to tax a beer, that it feels they won't do the same for me.

I'm not talking as someone who's given up either. I've currently got irons in that friendship fire that I'm trying to build new friendships. That I'm trying to start off more conversationally communicative than I feel like I normally do with people. Not trying to be over the top about it but, checking in more regularly, asking leading questions, remembering details, and giving information that would be... an easy thing to remember and follow up with in return. I've accepted invites, and given them to events, and just come chill at the house for an hour type request.

One is at 11 days since I started the last conversation. I'm not testing them intentionally but I realized it had been a few and I just figured they were busy. Looked it up just now and yeah, almost two weeks. I know what they had planned, maybe they met someone at their car meet and fell madly in love. Maybe they high sided a horse and are waiting on surgery.

The other just lost their cat. I've sent thoughts, checked they were drinking water, needed anything. Even a selfie in a cat suit to cheer them up. I get it, but...

Why is it my job to carry the relationship? To be the friend I want l, that they need, and not have a friend that I need?

Even my best BEST friends, are failing me. I've told them I'm struggling, that I'm trying to change and need help, and exactly what I'm lacking from them and others in my life. Do I just choose poorly? Are they really just the best available and not an actual friend?

It has to be me. My words must say to leave me alone when I'm asking them to talk to me. My actions must say I'm fine when I'm crying on their shoulders.

It has to be
 
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And I say it has to be me, not to commit to it but to accept it.

I can't fix others, but if it's me, I might be able to fix it.

If I say it outloud, I might be able to understand why.

If I admit it publicly, someone else struggling might also be encouraged to say it outloud, and if it helps them, good.
 
he asked me what i have planned tomorrow. me: grocery shopping. him: if you’re going down the hill, maybe i’ll go with you. i need to pick up some wheel chocks. me: you don’t need to go, i can do that for you while i’m out. him: maybe i’ll go too. i can sit in the car and listen to music while you grocery shop. me: fine. him: on second thought, how about if come in and push the cart for you.

i’m thinking, aww babe, hell yeah! that is so FUCKING sweet! especially because i know how he hates that shit. but offering to do it anyway.
 
Lunch today with SWMBO at Alice's, then a drive down to the coast via 84, ruminating with her about "La Ducati Days" in La Honda. A lovely drive, although we were in the GTI, not the R. Life sucks sometimes. The ocean was lovely. That is all.
 
Wife had time to digest the beginnings of the conversation from yesterday.

"You realize all your friends are kind of conservative and they don't like me, because I'm a liberal theater nerd, that's why nobody visits us"...

Uhhh, no, not even close. Because that would mean that your friends don't visit because I'm a conservative... "But you're not"...

"All your friends are kind of NPCs in real life. Anybody who races motorcycles has to be on the spectrum"

Uhhh, no, and I've got other people outside motorcycles that are the same way. And they are capable of hanging out, visiting each other, calling each other and just randomly communicating. They just don't to me, what tism is that?

"Well, then they all suck"

Or it's me. It has to be. I can't be 100% at finding people to suck at friendship. I can't find 100% of people that have no spoons or people'ing skills. Or it is us, because our crazies really match and that's why we do so well because nobody else does.
 
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Brokenlink said:
. It's just society man.
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People keep saying that...

I'm still having trouble believing it.

It's because of COVID, it's because of politics, it's because of social media, it's because of the cost of living, it's just society today...

So people just gave up and we became a society of hermits... Except for those that didn't.
 
I have many amazing friends and a partner who loves me unconditionally. Only 3 of my friends know what’s really happening in my life. We text we DM we rarely call and I haven’t seen their sweet faces in person for months.
People rarely visit even though they are often less than 1/2 mile away. It’s about energy, so many of us are running on empty.
 
I wonder how long it takes to get to a ranch in the sticks...
 
ThumperX said:
I have many amazing friends and a partner who loves me unconditionally. Only 3 of my friends know what’s really happening in my life. We text we DM we rarely call and I haven’t seen their sweet faces in person for months.
People rarely visit even though they are often less than 1/2 mile away. It’s about energy, so many of us are running on empty.
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I know how long it takes to get to zombieland.

I honked just the other day but you were in Sausalito and didn't hear me.
 
ThumperX said:
I have many amazing friends and a partner who loves me unconditionally. Only 3 of my friends know what’s really happening in my life. We text we DM we rarely call and I haven’t seen their sweet faces in person for months.
People rarely visit even though they are often less than 1/2 mile away. It’s about energy, so many of us are running on empty.
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Looking at life as a glass half full is always the best way to go IMHO.

In truth the people I've always been closest to are family anyway.

With my friends I do indeed 2/3 of the time or more make the effort to make things happen where we get together.

The effort is worth it IMHO.
 
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