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Old 02-08-2019, 10:02 AM   #946
EastBayDave
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From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
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Name: "Dave"
At the scene of a motorcycle accident, two onlookers watched as the EMT's loaded a fellow with a broken leg in the ambulance.
One says, "that must be painful."
The other replies, "Oh that is not so bad. I have had much more severe pain twice in my life.
I once was on a long wildness hiking trip when I felt the urge to have a bowel movement.
I carelessly squatted down over a bear trap. Bam! it slams shut on my private parts."
"Good Lord. That must have been unbearable pain", says the first fellow.
"Yes it was bad", replies the storyteller. "But not near the white-hot flash of pain I felt when three steps later I ran out of chain."
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Old 02-08-2019, 05:12 PM   #947
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Good one Dave
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Old 02-09-2019, 05:33 PM   #948
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Location: Dublin,Ca
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So a guy walks into a fancy bar sits down and says to the bartender give me 10 shots of your best tequila right now.
The bartender pours the 10 shots and the guy starts to drink them one by one right after another.

The bartender says- Wow you sure drank those fast, never seen that before. The guy says you would too if you knew what I had and the bartender says what do you have?

The guy says- .75 cents
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Old 02-24-2019, 03:13 PM   #949
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Location: Cupertino
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Old joke.

A lady gets on a bus and sits down next to two Italian guys.

The first guy says “ ok, first Emma come, then I come, then the two asses they come, then I come, again, then the two asses, they come again, then I come, then pee twice, then I come again”

The lady is offended.

The second guy says “I no get it”

First guy “it’s easy, first Emma come, then I come, then the two asses they come, then I come, again, then the two asses, they come again, then I come, then pee twice, then I come again. I don’t get what you problem is”

The lady has had enough. She stands up and says “you’re disgusting! How can you talk like that in public?”

The first guy says “disgusting? Then how you spell Mississippi?”
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Old 02-24-2019, 07:55 PM   #950
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Peninsula
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Name: Pete
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One."

The boss says "Just one?!? Our sales people average sales to 20-30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says "$101,236.65??!! What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 Expedition.

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
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Old 03-04-2019, 05:30 PM   #951
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I picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few
miles, he asked me if i wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer?
I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.
I think he wet his pants.
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Old 03-05-2019, 08:31 AM   #952
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Both jokes made me giggle
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