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Old 08-18-2021, 03:39 PM   #1111
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An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask you a favor ?

'Of course child, What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought for my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

"With your face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next Please......."
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Old 08-18-2021, 07:01 PM   #1112
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It's funny because you can so relate to it, eh bud?
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Old 08-18-2021, 07:04 PM   #1113
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Of course. Catholic school boy.

Fucker.
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Old 09-06-2021, 01:07 PM   #1114
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A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile. The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do?"

He said, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.










"Well, I’m in the gun shop next door to that!”
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Old 09-06-2021, 01:45 PM   #1115
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Bwaahaaaa!
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R.I.P. Champ Nicky Hayden
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming– “Wow! What a Ride!”
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Old 09-07-2021, 06:36 PM   #1116
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I chopped Keanu Reeves face onto budman's avatar. It scared me so I deleted it
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Old 09-07-2021, 07:11 PM   #1117
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Accidental selfie at the Chicago concert at Paul Mason on Sunday night. Totally dug the pic with the Barf logo....The blue concert lights and fog over head.
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Old 09-07-2021, 07:36 PM   #1118
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Texas is so self aware they gave themselves one star.
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Old 09-07-2021, 07:40 PM   #1119
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Originally Posted by budman View Post


Accidental selfie at the Chicago concert at Paul Mason on Sunday night. Totally dug the pic with the Barf logo....The blue concert lights and fog over head.
Old band, old venue, old man, rocks. The really old venue really rully rocked..
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Hodaka Ace 90. I've been riding these things too long. What can I say? How about that Combat Wombat?

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Old 09-08-2021, 06:29 AM   #1120
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Accidental selfie at the Chicago concert at Paul Mason on Sunday night. Totally dug the pic with the Barf logo....The blue concert lights and fog over head.
Perfect for Halloween Budman.
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Old 09-12-2021, 09:31 AM   #1121
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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
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Old 09-14-2021, 03:03 PM   #1122
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Old 09-14-2021, 05:19 PM   #1123
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The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ' There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working on of the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
Oh, it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
' Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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Old 09-14-2021, 07:27 PM   #1124
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... you might add some blank lines though.
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