BARF - Bay Area Riders Forum

Go Back   BARF - Bay Area Riders Forum > Community > Humor


Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-09-2017, 12:06 PM   #751
Outta Control
Renegade Drone Pilot
 
Outta Control's Avatar
 
Founding Member
Contributor

Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: San Jose
Motorcycles: 2016 S1000RR Motorrad aka TaZ
Name: OuttaCtrl
Quote:
Originally Posted by budman View Post
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their
beer and whiskey, to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He’s one of us!"
Awww

__________________
"...A good teacher can never be fixed in a routine...
A teacher must never impose this student to fit his favorite pattern; a good teacher functions as a pointer, exposing his student's vulnerability...
Lee Jun Fan

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." George Orwell

"Non-stop pursuing of wealth will only turn a person into a twisted being, just like me."..."Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost – “Life”." Steve Jobs

motorcycling is for everybody, but not everybody is for motorcycling
Outta Control is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-10-2017, 08:24 AM   #752
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
 
EastBayDave's Avatar
 
Founding Member
From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
Motorcycles: ZRX1200
Name: "Dave"
That Rubber Thingy

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"
__________________
Enjoy the ride!
EastBayDave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-10-2017, 08:26 AM   #753
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
 
EastBayDave's Avatar
 
Founding Member
From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
Motorcycles: ZRX1200
Name: "Dave"
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question.

What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
__________________
Enjoy the ride!
EastBayDave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-10-2017, 08:27 AM   #754
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
 
EastBayDave's Avatar
 
Founding Member
From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
Motorcycles: ZRX1200
Name: "Dave"
After I Die

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."
__________________
Enjoy the ride!
EastBayDave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-10-2017, 08:28 AM   #755
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
 
EastBayDave's Avatar
 
Founding Member
From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
Motorcycles: ZRX1200
Name: "Dave"
Marriage Not


Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,."Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!" And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles.and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up. The End.
__________________
Enjoy the ride!
EastBayDave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-10-2017, 08:29 AM   #756
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
 
EastBayDave's Avatar
 
Founding Member
From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
Motorcycles: ZRX1200
Name: "Dave"
The Ring

A balding, white haired man walked into a.jewelry store this past Friday.evening with a beautiful much younger.gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special.ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special.". At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought.another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said." The lady's
eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled.with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,.
"By.check..I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank.Monday.to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday.afternoon." On Monday.morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and
said, "Sir...There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man..."But.let me tell you about my weekend.".
__________________
Enjoy the ride!
EastBayDave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-10-2017, 08:30 AM   #757
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
 
EastBayDave's Avatar
 
Founding Member
From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
Motorcycles: ZRX1200
Name: "Dave"
Johnny Cheating

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.".Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."."So, everyone knows that he was the first president."."Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you." "Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny. "Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, "Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?" Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither."
__________________
Enjoy the ride!
EastBayDave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-10-2017, 08:30 AM   #758
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
 
EastBayDave's Avatar
 
Founding Member
From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
Motorcycles: ZRX1200
Name: "Dave"
Bedside Manner

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?".Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands.".He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?".Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands.".The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.."Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?".Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them.".At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,."Are my test results back?"
__________________
Enjoy the ride!
EastBayDave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-10-2017, 08:31 AM   #759
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
 
EastBayDave's Avatar
 
Founding Member
From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
Motorcycles: ZRX1200
Name: "Dave"
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonay.

********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him.. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
__________________
Enjoy the ride!
EastBayDave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-10-2017, 05:03 PM   #760
R3DS!X
Whatever that means
 
R3DS!X's Avatar
 
Contributor + + + + + + + + +

Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Daly Shity
Motorcycles: Energica EVA
Name:
A man is out at the bar drinking the night away with his buddies. He's had a bit too much and vomits and its gets all over his shirt.
"Oh no! my wife is gonna kill me!" he says. The bartender smiles and says "Hey buddy don't worry, i got this trick, ya take this 10 dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket, you tell your wife someone else threw up on you and they gave you the money to have it dry cleaned"

The guy cheers up and keeps drinking for a bit before heading home. When he gets home his wife becomes angry about the shirt. He says "Don't worry, some guy threw up on my shirt but gave me this 10 dollars to have it dry cleaned! See!!!" He hands her the bill and she looks at it and says "Wait a minute, this is a $20!?"

"Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you, he also shit my pants"


-Gilbert Gottfried
__________________
The slow think I'm fast, but the fast know I'm slow.
R3DS!X is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2017, 04:35 AM   #761
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
 
EastBayDave's Avatar
 
Founding Member
From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
Motorcycles: ZRX1200
Name: "Dave"
__________________
Enjoy the ride!
EastBayDave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2017, 06:48 AM   #762
Grissom
....................
 
Grissom's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: NorCal
Motorcycles: Suzuki
Name:
This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks
five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is
speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often
than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400
correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

Man: Correct



Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an
airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.



Man: Where is your airplane?
Grissom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2017, 07:42 AM   #763
BillSmith
Mild Hawg
 
BillSmith's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Work SF Bay/ Home State of Jefferson
Motorcycles: HD 2011 FXDF Dyna Fat Bob
Name: Bill
He had a follow-up question and...

Man: Speaking of planes, you know those balloons in Napa. What makes them go up?

Woman: Hot air!

Man: So what's keeping you down?

Woman (enraged): Well, I've got to get back to work. See you later.

Man: Not if I see you first.
__________________
Bill Smith
Dichotomous existence-SF Bay & State of Jefferson
2011 HD FXDF
Sometimes a bike is just a bike.
BillSmith is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2017, 11:25 AM   #764
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
 
EastBayDave's Avatar
 
Founding Member
From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
Motorcycles: ZRX1200
Name: "Dave"
Murphy's Other 15 Laws


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
__________________
Enjoy the ride!
EastBayDave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2017, 11:27 AM   #765
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
 
EastBayDave's Avatar
 
Founding Member
From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
Motorcycles: ZRX1200
Name: "Dave"
The 4 Engineers

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, "don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor." Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, "no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem." The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, "its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine." Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was... "Why don't we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!"
__________________
Enjoy the ride!
EastBayDave is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:46 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.