BARF - Bay Area Riders Forum

Go Back   BARF - Bay Area Riders Forum > Community > Humor


Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-03-2014, 09:27 AM   #181
bcv_west
Veteran
 
bcv_west's Avatar
 
Help I'm a bug

Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Alamo
Motorcycles: 2 wheels + motor
Name: Tim
Doctor: "I'm afraid I have bad news, and I have worse news. Which would you like first?"

Patient: "What's the worst news?"

Dr: "You have cancer. I've consulted with my colleagues, and we think you have 6 months max."

Patient: "Oh My God! What was the bad news?"

Dr: "You have advanced Alzheimer's. I'm not even sure how you're still functioning as you are."

Patient: "That's terrible! But hey, at least I don't have cancer."
bcv_west is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-03-2014, 09:35 AM   #182
bcv_west
Veteran
 
bcv_west's Avatar
 
Help I'm a bug

Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Alamo
Motorcycles: 2 wheels + motor
Name: Tim
Old lady Hibbard goes to the new young doctor in town for her annual check-up. They get to the end, and he says "Well, Mrs Hibbard, you seem to be doing well for a woman of your age. Any other problems you'd like to tell me about?"

"Well...there is one other small thing" she says. "For the past 6 months, I have constant flatulence, everywhere I go - home, church, the A&P, everywhere. I've actually had several since I came in here. Thankfully it has no sound or smell, or it would be terribly embarrassing, but it's uncomfortable. Can you help?"

"I'll see what we can do," says the doctor. "Take these pills and come back in a week."

Not 4 days later, she storms back into the office, past the receptionist, and into his office. "I don't know what they teach you young people in medical school, but you've made it worse! I still have constant flatulence, but now it's like a trumpet! I can't leave the house!"

"Excellent!" says the doctor. "Now that we've fixed your hearing, let's work on your sense of smell!"
bcv_west is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-04-2014, 11:17 PM   #183
Cycle61
What the shit is this...
 
Cycle61's Avatar
 
Contributographer

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: East of the snow
Motorcycles: yes
Name:
x2
__________________
TPW

Washington sucks and it rains all the time.

If I didn't hurt your feelings, then I retract my apology. - bruceflinch
Cycle61 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2014, 08:47 AM   #184
budman
General Menace
 
budman's Avatar
 
AMA Life Member #203453
Highway Aviator
Founding Member
Top Percent Poster
Community Contributor + BB
Moto Junkie

Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Palo Alto, Ca.
Motorcycles: Keep me rocking life
Name: Budman
Blond jokes... for the ladies!

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde male neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday.
budman is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2014, 03:22 PM   #185
budman
General Menace
 
budman's Avatar
 
AMA Life Member #203453
Highway Aviator
Founding Member
Top Percent Poster
Community Contributor + BB
Moto Junkie

Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Palo Alto, Ca.
Motorcycles: Keep me rocking life
Name: Budman
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."







Dad thought for a moment and said "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
budman is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2014, 03:58 PM   #186
Chill
Je Suis BARF
 
Chill's Avatar
 
AMA #: 2815984
BARF Moderator
Barfie Winner 2017
Contributor ++++++++++ 1%
Toilet Paper Warrior

Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Bay
Motorcycles: Fat Ninja
Name: Christian
at this page, some good ones here.
Chill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2014, 09:40 AM   #187
Yakoo752
USN
 
Yakoo752's Avatar
 
AMA # 3164290
Contributor ++++++++++ 2%

Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Cupertino
Motorcycles: M900
Name: Mateusz
Tis the season

I never knew what nationality Santa was until now.






I just found out that he is actually North Polish.
__________________
IMPERIUM NEPTUNI REGIS-Member of the Barf Chapter of the Ancient Order of Trusty Shellbacks
Yoshida Kogyo Kabushikigaisha
Team Triple Threat
Cygnus 12.02.10
Yakoo752 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2014, 02:44 PM   #188
budman
General Menace
 
budman's Avatar
 
AMA Life Member #203453
Highway Aviator
Founding Member
Top Percent Poster
Community Contributor + BB
Moto Junkie

Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Palo Alto, Ca.
Motorcycles: Keep me rocking life
Name: Budman
Nice Polish joke..

Did you know?:
On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, where as a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year.


















This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
budman is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2014, 11:36 PM   #189
bruceflinch
I love Da Whores
 
bruceflinch's Avatar
 
Contributor ++++++++++

Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Bay Point
Motorcycles: Present: Cage Past 305SS RD400 CB500 RD250 CB360 XS650 R1200R XT225 ST1300 Vstrom 650
Name: Bruce
True Friendship Among Golfing Buddies -

This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
__________________
Proud Dad of an RN.
To be Richer: Earn More or Desire Less.
I have abandoned my search for reality, and now I am looking for a good fantasy.
Namaste!
bruceflinch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-25-2014, 01:03 AM   #190
Loki1000R
Fok Julle Naaiers
 
Loki1000R's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: S>F>
Motorcycles: RC51:( KTM 950SMR
Name: LOsquidKI
__________________
Be silent, be violent. And link those fucking videos

Why Should One Give A Fuck If A Victim Shoots Their Victimizer-Meter Man

I am so sad for you that you were conceived with pee-amazighlol
Loki1000R is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-29-2014, 07:31 PM   #191
edzx6
Veteran
 
edzx6's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Bay Area
Motorcycles: Suzuki GSXS1000F, KDX220R, CBR600F4, YZF250, 08 Ninja 250, 99 Ninja 250, FZR400 3TJ, 19 Aprilia Tuon
Name:
A Marine and a Navy Corpsman are in the men's room at the urinals taking a whiz. After finishing up at the same time the Navy Corpsman walks to the sink and the Marine starts to leave. The Navy Corpsman says "in the Navy we were taught to wash our hands after urinating". The Marine looks back and says "in the Marines they taught us to not piss on our hands"
edzx6 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2014, 02:33 AM   #192
Loki1000R
Fok Julle Naaiers
 
Loki1000R's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: S>F>
Motorcycles: RC51:( KTM 950SMR
Name: LOsquidKI
:|
__________________
Be silent, be violent. And link those fucking videos

Why Should One Give A Fuck If A Victim Shoots Their Victimizer-Meter Man

I am so sad for you that you were conceived with pee-amazighlol
Loki1000R is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2014, 08:22 AM   #193
Ahab
Lucky
 
Ahab's Avatar
 
Contributor + 1%

Join Date: May 2014
Location: EPA
Motorcycles: 690SMC, CRF250X, XR100
Name: Arnt
Quote:
Originally Posted by edzx6 View Post
[...]The Marine looks back and says "in the Marines they taught us to not piss on our hands"
Really, people have to join the Marines to learn that?
Ahab is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2014, 09:00 AM   #194
Cincinnatus
Not-quite retired Army
 
Cincinnatus's Avatar
 
AMA #: 2818353
Barfie Winner 2017
Contributor +++++++++++
Barf Roadside Angel Contributor ++!

Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: South Oaklamd
Motorcycles: BMW R1250GS Adventure begins, mang!
Name: SweeperBot
And this is why you don't shake hands with a Marine. Basic lack of personal hygiene. And they're proud of it.
__________________
Peter K
San Leandro, CA
"Today, we need a nation of Minutemen, citizens who are not only prepared to take arms, but citizens who regard the preservation of freedom as the basic purpose of their daily life and who are willing to consciously work and sacrifice for that freedom." - President John F. Kennedy, Democrat

"I am kind to people, but arguments are owed no mercy." Unknown savant
Cincinnatus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2014, 02:25 AM   #195
Loki1000R
Fok Julle Naaiers
 
Loki1000R's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: S>F>
Motorcycles: RC51:( KTM 950SMR
Name: LOsquidKI
"i wash my hands beofre i touch my dick" Don King
__________________
Be silent, be violent. And link those fucking videos

Why Should One Give A Fuck If A Victim Shoots Their Victimizer-Meter Man

I am so sad for you that you were conceived with pee-amazighlol
Loki1000R is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 05:52 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.