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Old 12-31-2013, 01:18 PM   #1
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CONFESSION by a cheapo

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'





LEMON SQUEEZE

A young religious woman went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'





CATHOLIC DOG

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, could ya' be saying' a mass for me poor dog who died, the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?





DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'





CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'





BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'





SENILITY

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'





PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '





MARRIAGE HUMOR

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'





CHOICES

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'





STRESS RELIEVER

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'





COURTESY

Three year old Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, that's lovely Daddy is teaching you the right thing.'

Three year old son Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'





MOTIVES

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'





WRONG ANSWER

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'





HUSBANDS ARE HUSBANDS

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'





LET US PRAY......................

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,

Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk!
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Old 12-31-2013, 08:07 PM   #2
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Thanks for another year in teh BARFs
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Old 12-31-2013, 09:09 PM   #3
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Old 12-31-2013, 10:18 PM   #4
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Old 01-01-2014, 01:24 PM   #5
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Old 01-02-2014, 07:35 AM   #6
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Good STuff!!!!!
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Old 01-09-2014, 12:52 AM   #7
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all good ones. The poor irish and jews-- always the punch line for the majority of jokes
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Old 01-10-2014, 05:03 PM   #8
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Lets spread it around.


A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.















 
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Old 01-30-2014, 03:22 PM   #9
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Instead of starting new threads.. I am adding here.


DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS:


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
at all..'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
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Old 02-04-2014, 01:08 PM   #10
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A blind guy sitting in a bar turns to the guy next to him and says; "hey, you want to hear a blonde joke ? "

The guy looks around, bends to the blind guy's ear and speaks quietly; "before you do, you should know that the bartender is blonde, the cashier 10 feet away is blonde, the guy sitting on your other side is like six foot three, two hundred fifty pounds and I'm six one two hundred twenty five pounds and we're both blondes... are you SURE you want to tell a blonde joke ? "

The blind guy shakes his head in disgust and says; "of course not..... since I'd have to explain it to all of you"
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Old 02-04-2014, 01:16 PM   #11
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Nice
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Old 02-04-2014, 01:45 PM   #12
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A repost, but a favorite of mine.

"Dear abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.




Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?"
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Old 02-04-2014, 01:58 PM   #13
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Old 02-04-2014, 01:58 PM   #14
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Old 02-04-2014, 02:17 PM   #15
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Although the Life Alert company has been around for years now, they have only ended up using women to act as demonstrators, never men. It's not that the women are any better or worse than men, they just say "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."












The reason is simple. Men keep on saying "Help, I've fallen and I can't get it up."

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