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Old 02-04-2014, 03:25 PM   #16
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I was thinking they were drunk to often and said it no matter how old they were.. !

Superbowl was a snoozer.. so here is a snoozer.

This older gentleman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

“No,” the man replied, The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible” said the first man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?

The Second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we go married in 1967.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn't you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shook his head. “No, they're all at the funeral.”
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Old 02-04-2014, 03:43 PM   #17
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Ok that was funny.
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Old 02-04-2014, 09:21 PM   #18
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Old 02-05-2014, 02:14 AM   #19
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I am so sad for you that you were conceived with pee-amazighlol
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Old 02-10-2014, 12:30 AM   #20
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this is a great thread!
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Old 02-10-2014, 10:14 AM   #21
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I was at the Olympics watching the events when I saw a gentleman with a long stick, I asked him.

"Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No", he replied. "I'm German, how did you know my name is Walther?"

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Old 02-10-2014, 10:40 AM   #22
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I love you Dennis. It was a tough morning until now.
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Old 02-10-2014, 11:36 AM   #23
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Good one Al... and Beau back at ya brother.

Here is something that stirs the heart...


Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
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Old 02-19-2014, 05:17 PM   #24
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Teachers & Cops:

These are supposedly actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.



These are supposedly actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:10 AM   #25
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Location: There’s a corner of my heart that is yours. And I don’t mean for now, or until I’ve found somebody else, I mean forever. I mean that whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again, there’ll always be a part that belongs to you.
Motorcycles: elude me.
Name: Guess....
OUCH:

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:15 AM   #26
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Exactly.. bam!
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Old 02-21-2014, 11:00 PM   #27
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15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
15A. It's great to know your Dad is an attorney! I can't wait to meet him at the arraignment...
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Old 02-24-2014, 12:22 PM   #28
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Whats the difference between double penetration and a joke?













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Old 02-24-2014, 01:23 PM   #29
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when the neighbor looked out at the line & noticed me stealing her bras, she screamed at me.


I almost shit her pants.
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Old 02-25-2014, 01:48 AM   #30
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!
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