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Old 04-29-2014, 04:26 PM   #61
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Old 05-01-2014, 09:32 AM   #62
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So this guy walks into a bar and takes a seat.
Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're really good looking."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a beer, great choice."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"

the bartender replies...




"Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
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Old 05-21-2014, 12:29 PM   #63
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Oldie but likely new to some.
*******************

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you're welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking! was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight,said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".

"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.....He's naked, too! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man. How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

Sure, what do you want?

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.


"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . ."I think I can save ya a grand here."
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Old 05-21-2014, 07:36 PM   #64
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OFG has had more boob-play than you ever will, young padawan. He's a Jedi Titty Master!
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Tom has been dubbed The Ass Whisperer. I have seen him in action. I concur.
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Old 05-22-2014, 04:27 PM   #65
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Old 05-26-2014, 12:02 PM   #66
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Actual conversation...

Me - "...so, if I have an anurizm and drop dead, you're only allowed to morn for one day. Then its party on, deal?"

Her - " Shure honey. If I die, just make sure that the new girl doesn't wear my clothes."

Me - "Oh honey, no self respecting 19 yr old would wear you clothes..."

SMACK SMACK SMACK!!!

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Old 05-28-2014, 05:59 AM   #67
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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Old 05-28-2014, 10:23 AM   #68
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An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her
'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!

So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.

SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!

SHE TURNED INTO the first Holiday Inn SHE COULD FIND!!!


I said old.. not dead

I love magic frog jokes!

A beautiful lonely housewife walks into a pet store looking for a pet to keep her company. She goes up to the counter and tells the shop owner that she wants a pet to keep her company.

The shop owners looks at her and says, "I have just the thing for you." as he pulls out a big toad. He sees the confused look on her face and explains, "I can tell that you are here because your husband isn't doing what he needs to do to make you happy. This is a very special frog that I've trained myself. With his tongue, he will be able to give you the most amazing orgasms. You just have to touch his left leg."

The housewife got excited, paid for the frog, and took him home. She rushed the frog to her bedroom where she proceeded to throw her clothes off, jump on the bed, put the frog between her legs, and touched his left leg.

The frog did nothing.

She tried any number of things to get the frog to do what the shop owner promised, but she couldn't get it to do anything. Eventually, she gave up and called the shop owner and informed him of the situation. He agreed to come over to help figure out what was wrong.

When he came to her place, he asked her to show him exactly what she did. So, she took off her clothes and did exactly what she did earlier.

Same thing. The frog did nothing.

The shop owner let out a frustrated sigh as he picked up the frog. He placed the frog on the side of the bed and said, "OK. Now this is the last time I'm going to show you how to do this..."
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Old 05-28-2014, 10:46 AM   #69
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A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
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Old 05-29-2014, 10:23 AM   #70
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Jesus and Moses are playing golf. They come to a par 3 with a large pond protecting the front.

Jesus takes out a 7 iron and gets ready to hit. Moses stops him and says, “This hole is 180 yards over water…you better use more than a 7 iron."

Jesus replies, “I saw Tiger Woods play this hole on television last year…and he used a 7 iron, so I’m gonna use the 7.”

He hits the ball. It comes up short and lands in the water.

“Go get my ball…” he says to Moses, who is shaking his head and laughing, “…I’m gonna take a Mulligan.”

So Moses parts the water and retrieves the ball for Jesus…who immediately tees it up and gets set to hit again.

“Hey! You still have the 7 iron,” warns Moses.

“I know,” replies Jesus, “I told you…I saw Tiger play this hole last year and he used a 7 iron…so I’m gonna use a 7 iron too.”

Jesus takes a big swing...and bam! The ball comes up short again…and lands in the water.

“Go get the ball yourself, I’m not gonna get it” say Moses, obviously tired of what was going on.

So Jesus goes off and walks on the water looking down to see where the ball ended up.

The group behind them comes up to the tee…sees what is happening…and asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is…Jesus Christ?”

“No,” says Moses, “He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he’s Tiger Woods!”
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Old 05-29-2014, 11:43 AM   #71
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No, says Moses, He is Jesus Christ. He thinks hes Tiger Woods!



Old one that was similar.

SRV Gets to the gates of heaven. St Peter greets him and shows him through. As they walk along a pathway surrounded by beautiful houses St Peter shows him up the walk to one and says that this will be his.

As SRV is being shown around the house he suddenly hears some shredding on a guitar coming from next door. Excited at who it could be he ask St Peter.


"Oh that's god, he thinks he is Yngwie Malmsteen."
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Old 05-29-2014, 11:54 AM   #72
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"Oh that's god, he thinks he is Yngwie Malmsteen."
Another:

Young QB is killed in a car accident and finds himself at the gates of football heaven. He was famous for his blue jersey, but now finds himself wearing white. He questions St. Peter about this and is told, "Here in Heaven we all wear white jerseys."

The guy looks in and, sure enough, everyone is wearing whites. "Hey," he says, "what's up with that one guy wearing a red jersey over there?"

"Oh, that." St' Peter replies. "That's the big guy. He likes to pretend he's Joe Montana."
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Old 05-29-2014, 11:00 PM   #73
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@ tripper thx I hadn't heard that before, laughed my ass off.
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Old 05-31-2014, 01:06 PM   #74
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
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Old 05-31-2014, 10:29 PM   #75
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yakoo752 View Post
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
nice...I have the perfect person to tell that one to....
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