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Old 04-27-2015, 07:07 PM   #346
Cycle61
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
Oh my God ď Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husbands home early!
I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!
If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both! she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude? one asked.
Oh yes! he replied, gasping in air.It feels so wonderfully free!
Another runner moved a long side. Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?
Oh, yes our friend answered breathlessly. That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, Do you always wear a condom when you run?
Nope just when it's raining.
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Old 04-28-2015, 11:54 AM   #347
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The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, despite two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was also not acceptable.

So they again changed the sign: "Catatonics and High Colonics"...... No go.

Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives
and Anal Retentives".... thumbs down again. Then came: "Minds and Behinds".... still no good.
Next attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"
.......unacceptable again! So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts"..... not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts"..... no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks"..... still no good.
"Loons and Moons"..... forget it.




Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:


"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"
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Old 04-28-2015, 01:00 PM   #348
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A funeral home calls a house and the husband answers. You know your mother in law passed away and did you want her buried or cremated?

He said-lets play it on the safe side and do both.
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Old 04-29-2015, 02:47 PM   #349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bruceflinch View Post
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, despite two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was also not acceptable.

So they again changed the sign: "Catatonics and High Colonics"...... No go.

Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives
and Anal Retentives".... thumbs down again. Then came: "Minds and Behinds".... still no good.
Next attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"
.......unacceptable again! So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts"..... not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts"..... no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks"..... still no good.
"Loons and Moons"..... forget it.




Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:


"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"
Thinkers and stinkers?

Brains and drains?

Broken minds and sore behinds?
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Old 05-01-2015, 10:54 AM   #350
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The sharing of marriage...

The old man
placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one
half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He
took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking
over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them.'

As
the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they
were used to sharing everything


People
closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them.

This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything.'

Finally,
as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of
food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered --

(Continue below )...




'THE TEETH.'
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Old 05-01-2015, 01:22 PM   #351
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A man gets on a crowded elevator in a hotel lobby. He accidently elbows a woman in her breast. He apologizes profusely, adding that if her heart is as soft as her breast, she'll forgive him. She replies, "If your elbow is as hard as the rest of you, I'm in 1204."
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Old 05-07-2015, 06:41 PM   #352
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Dear Abby,

I need your advice. My husband lost his job 15 years ago and hasn't looked for job at all. He cheats on me constantly. He hasn't touched me in years and has insinuated that I'm a lesbian. I'm at my wit's end. What should I do?








Run for President.
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Old 05-07-2015, 09:44 PM   #353
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Clinton humor

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
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Old 05-11-2015, 06:24 PM   #354
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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
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Old 05-16-2015, 07:53 PM   #355
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May be racist
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Old 05-17-2015, 01:30 PM   #356
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Three women went down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and NOTHING HAPPENS! They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens AGAIN. They immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Memphis state and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing in."
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Old 05-17-2015, 01:31 PM   #357
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bikeama View Post
May be racist
Not racist. Guy did what the boss told him to do.
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"Today, we need a nation of Minutemen, citizens who are not only prepared to take arms, but citizens who regard the preservation of freedom as the basic purpose of their daily life and who are willing to consciously work and sacrifice for that freedom." - President John F. Kennedy, Democrat

"I am kind to people, but arguments are owed no mercy." Unknown savant
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Old 05-17-2015, 01:33 PM   #358
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jjw408 View Post
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
They killed Kenny. The BASTARDS!!!!
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"Today, we need a nation of Minutemen, citizens who are not only prepared to take arms, but citizens who regard the preservation of freedom as the basic purpose of their daily life and who are willing to consciously work and sacrifice for that freedom." - President John F. Kennedy, Democrat

"I am kind to people, but arguments are owed no mercy." Unknown savant
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Old 05-25-2015, 02:02 PM   #359
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An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
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Old 05-27-2015, 09:17 AM   #360
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An older retired person's perspective:

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
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I have abandoned my search for reality, and now I am looking for a good fantasy.
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