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Old 02-24-2021, 10:06 AM   #1096
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TEXAS Freezes over

so much punchline potential,

I don't want to appear disaster tone deaf, for this but, , ,
BARF is still leaking snow
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Old 02-24-2021, 06:41 PM   #1097
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated,
"You may come with us, also."

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
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Old 02-25-2021, 06:58 AM   #1098
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ROFL, how did I not see that coming.
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Old 02-26-2021, 11:28 AM   #1099
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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.

Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...

Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.

He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.

We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
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Old 02-26-2021, 01:18 PM   #1100
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Old 03-03-2021, 06:05 PM   #1101
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Lawyer joke #1 !!!!
That's not true! The lie is actually the truth! I know. Lots of people know this.
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Old 04-21-2021, 02:44 PM   #1102
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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus.


I lost my job as a bus driver...
Nothing is EVER boobs or ice-cream

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Old 05-08-2021, 05:38 PM   #1103
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Originally Posted by BURNROPE View Post
It's a parody of the Max Ehrmann poem Desiderata written in the early 1920's. The parody was written in 1970. I just transcribed the original parchment as best I could.
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Old 05-11-2021, 04:02 PM   #1104
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An Oldie:

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
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Old 06-07-2021, 02:12 PM   #1105
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Two old friends, Jack and John decided to go on a ski trip. They loaded up the car and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house to myself, but I'm recently widowed".She explained " I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you in".

"Don't worry" John said. " We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light".

The lady agreed, the 2 men slept in the barn and left at first light. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about 9 months later, John got a letter from an attorney and it took him some time to figure it out. He determined it was from the attorney of the widow they met during their skiing trip.

He dropped in on his friend Jack.

John: Jack, do you remember that good looking widow that we met on that skiing weekend?

Jack: Yes I do.

John: Be honest with me Jack, did you pay her a visit at the middle of the night?

Jack( looks a bit embarrassed now) : Yes John, I did.

John: Now tell me this Jack, did you give her my name and address instead of yours?

Jack( his face now beet red with embarrassment) : I'm sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?

John: She just died and left me everything.
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Old 06-07-2021, 02:32 PM   #1106
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A traveller was wandering through a city bazaar.

He approached a man who was sitting in the shade of a camel and asked: "Excuse me sir, could you tell me what time it is?"

The man looked up at him warily, then turned, gently grabbed the camels testicles, carefully shifting and assessing them.

"1:15 in the afternoon."

The visitor was stunned, thanked the man and left.

10 minutes later he returned, approached the man, and asked him again the time.

Again, the man turned to and started manipulating and studying the camels testicles. A few seconds later he replied: "It's 1:25."

The visitor checked earlier and knew the man was right.

Shocked and stymied he pulled out his wallet and told the man "Here, I will give you $100 if you'll tell me how you do that."

The man took the $100 dollar bill, asked the visitor to squat by him. He then reached up, moved the camels testicles to the side and said: "There, see that clock?"
#69 #45 NP
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Old 06-15-2021, 09:22 AM   #1107

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Old 07-25-2021, 10:43 AM   #1108
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At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable”.

"That's correct. Try this one”, said the boss.

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results”.

"Correct. I am impressed. Try this one please”.

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive”, calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and - if I don't get the job - I'll name the father”.
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Old 07-26-2021, 10:23 AM   #1109
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I'll allow it!
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Old 07-29-2021, 07:47 AM   #1110
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Blonde men jokes - FINALLY . Had to happen sooner or later..

A blonde man is in the bathroom, and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, “Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine.”

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND." He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart."
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No! " he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?”
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the man replied: “Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!”
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