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Old 04-08-2014, 09:51 AM   #46
EastBayDave
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From the heart

Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Lorenzo, CA "The Mudflats"
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There was a young man from Adair
who had a young maid on a stair.
When the bannister broke
he just doubled his stroke
and finished her off in the air!
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Old 04-08-2014, 03:08 PM   #47
budman
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Court reporters have to deal with!!! Doh!!!

How do court reporters keep straight faces? These quotes are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: What do you think?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor,how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last: AND THE BEST......
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Old 04-10-2014, 12:19 PM   #48
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Location: Oaklamd
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Name: Beelzebub
Quote:
Originally Posted by budman View Post
The MinnesotaTaxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 04-12-2014, 07:12 PM   #49
channelcat
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: here
Motorcycles: Gumby, Pokey, and...Serena
Name: Tony H.
best I can do at the moment..long time ago.
the guy on " The Marriage Game". National television
Q: " where is the strangest place you and your wife have had sex?"
after a moment
A: " Uh.. that'd be the butt, Bob.."

guess you had to be there...

if Budman raced like he now reels jokes...
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Old 04-14-2014, 04:48 AM   #50
afm199
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So how do you do CPR on a lawyer?



You don't.
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Old 04-14-2014, 12:53 PM   #51
greener
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: San Francisco
Motorcycles: Green 2008 Ninja 650R Streetfighter, 1998 Honda XR400, 2010 Triumph Tiger 1050 SE ABS, Tiger 800
Name: Dave
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.
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Just as WAR is god's way of teaching Americans GEOGRAPHY, so MOTORCYCLES are gods' way of teaching us ANATOMY!! -The Ol' MAIDEN
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Washington isn't bipartisan, it's bipolar. - ALANRIDER7
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Old 04-14-2014, 01:17 PM   #52
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Silly-con Valley
Motorcycles: Aprilia Dorsoduro 750, BMW S1000RR & R1200RT
Name: Michael
Mixed Couples joke:

Me: Why did you stop dating Black guys?

Her: I got tired of getting bitch slapped when I couldn't remember the complicated hand shakes.
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Old 04-18-2014, 09:26 AM   #53
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A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender whats the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump and slap a piece of meat you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss you have to buy drinks for everyone in the bar. So the bartender asks him if he wants to go for it. The guy tells him, "Nah, the steaks are just too high."
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Old 04-19-2014, 03:32 PM   #54
Cycle61
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Location: The wet spot.
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Haha
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If I didn't hurt your feelings, then I retract my apology. - bruceflinch
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Old 04-21-2014, 03:12 PM   #55
Bassem
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Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One says to the other: Do you wanna get shit faced?
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Old 04-26-2014, 11:18 AM   #56
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I kept wondering why the ball was getting bigger and bigger and bigger



then all of a sudden it hit me
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Old 04-26-2014, 03:15 PM   #57
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"I see," said the blind man, as he picked up a hammer and saw...
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San Leandro, CA
"Today, we need a nation of Minutemen, citizens who are not only prepared to take arms, but citizens who regard the preservation of freedom as the basic purpose of their daily life and who are willing to consciously work and sacrifice for that freedom." - President John F. Kennedy, Democrat
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Old 04-27-2014, 06:27 PM   #58
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If the gecko quit working for Geico and started to promote Viagra instead would that be considered




a reptile dysfunction?
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Last edited by Yakoo752; 04-27-2014 at 09:21 PM..
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Old 04-27-2014, 06:36 PM   #59
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*dysfunction

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"Today, we need a nation of Minutemen, citizens who are not only prepared to take arms, but citizens who regard the preservation of freedom as the basic purpose of their daily life and who are willing to consciously work and sacrifice for that freedom." - President John F. Kennedy, Democrat
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Old 04-29-2014, 03:38 PM   #60
budman
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Name: Budman
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of
his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and
completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close
enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche
with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming
hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the
day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried
to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief,
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said,
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed
when the truck hit you!"

"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex!"
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