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Old 10-30-2020, 11:54 AM   #1081
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German cat ghost comedian: How many lives does a dead German cat have?

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Old 10-30-2020, 12:14 PM   #1082
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An old lady gets on the bus and sits behind the driver. After 5 mins. she taps him on the shoulder and asks if he would like some peanuts. Sure he says and holds out his hand. The old lady pours some peanuts into his hand and he happily munches away. 5 mins. later the old lady asks him if he would like some more peanuts. He once again holds out his hand, she gives him the peanuts and he munches them down. 5 mins later the same thing. The bus drive asks the old lady why she's not eating her peanuts. She says that she can't because she doesn't have any teeth but she really likes the chocolate.
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Old 10-30-2020, 04:38 PM   #1083
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GROSS!
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Old 10-30-2020, 04:50 PM   #1084
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Gum those nuts!!
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Old 10-30-2020, 06:29 PM   #1085
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Turning back the clocks and getting an extra hour in 2020 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.
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bike X miles=smiles
smiles ÷ bike=miles
smiles ÷ miles=bike.
It's simple math.
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Old 10-31-2020, 06:17 AM   #1086
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Turning back the clocks didn't impress native Americans, they said: "Only a white man would cut the bottom foot off a blanket, sew it to the top and then think he had a longer blanket."
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Old 10-31-2020, 06:38 AM   #1087
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What’s red and has seven little dents in it?






Snow Whites cherry
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Old 11-02-2020, 12:28 PM   #1088
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Trump has a massive heart attack and of course, ends up in hell. Lucifer is greeting him and explains that there are only 3 presidential suites in hell and they are all occupied. Lucifer offers him one of the suites but he will have to replace the occupier. Trump opens the first door and inside is Obama jumping in a pool, climbing out to the pool and jumping back in, over and over. Trump says no thanks, that would mess up my hair. Trump opens the door to the second suite and it is occupied by Bush who is running around a track, lap after lap. Trumps says no thanks, that will be bad for my shins. He opens the third door and there is Clinton, tied spread eagle on a bed with Monica between his legs, doing what Monica does best. Trump says I can do that. Lucifer says, OK, Monica, you can go now.
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bike X miles=smiles
smiles ÷ bike=miles
smiles ÷ miles=bike.
It's simple math.
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Old 11-02-2020, 12:29 PM   #1089
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Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the motorcycle shop next door to that."
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bike X miles=smiles
smiles ÷ bike=miles
smiles ÷ miles=bike.
It's simple math.
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Old 02-19-2021, 12:47 PM   #1090
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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..
1. A Bible.....

2. A silver dollar.....

3. A bottle of whiskey.....

4. And a Playboy magazine.....

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.













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Old 02-19-2021, 12:52 PM   #1091
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“Being offended by the past using today's sensibilities, or un-sensibilities as it were, is disgusting”

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Old 02-19-2021, 02:25 PM   #1092
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A priest received an evacuation order due to floods in his area. He stayed in his house saying "God will save me."
A cop showed up and tried to get him to leave, but he refused, saying "God will save me."
As the water rose, a rescue boat showed up and still, he refused, saying "God will save me."
The water kept rising, and soon the priest was on the roof of his house. A helicopter showed up and he STILL refused saying (you guessed it), "God will save me."
The water kept rising and the priest was swept away and drowned.
He made it to the pearly gates. God was there, and the priest couldn't help but ask why he wasn't saved, especially after devoting his life to the Church.

God looked down at him and said "You idiot! I sent you a cop, a boat, and a helicopter!! What else do you want from me?"
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Old 02-19-2021, 06:31 PM   #1093
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There are 10 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand math and those who don't.
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bike X miles=smiles
smiles ÷ bike=miles
smiles ÷ miles=bike.
It's simple math.
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Old 02-20-2021, 09:38 AM   #1094
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Originally Posted by dravnx View Post
There are 10 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand math and those who don't.
There are two types of countries in the world, those that have the metric system and those that have put a man on the moon.
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Old 02-20-2021, 06:26 PM   #1095
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dravnx View Post
There are 10 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand math and those who don't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by berth View Post
There are two types of countries in the world, those that have the metric system and those that have put a man on the moon.
There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
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