• There has been a recent cluster of spammers accessing BARFer accounts and posting spam. To safeguard your account, please consider changing your password. It would be even better to take the additional step of enabling 2 Factor Authentication (2FA) on your BARF account. Read more here.

What Are You Thinking Of Right Now?

I'm thinking the way the sun glints off the police chopper really brings out my toes.
1000017613.jpg
 
my hair is on fire. told them i have too much to do - totally buried. hugs all around, ‘so sorry sweetie’. then they gave me two more things to do (woodland - 9am saturday morning). more hugs. ‘come on, you can do it’.

i’m thinking, fuck your hugs, and your ‘sweetie’ bullshit. just cut to the chase, and shoot me in the head.
 
littlebeast said:
my hair is on fire. told them i have too much to do - totally buried. hugs all around, ‘so sorry sweetie’. then they gave me two more things to do (woodland - 9am saturday morning). more hugs. ‘come on, you can do it’.

i’m thinking, fuck your hugs, and your ‘sweetie’ bullshit. just cut to the chase, and shoot me in the head.
Click to expand...
Even though we thought it was a good time to visit, we will stay here in Silly Cone Valley. For now. Sort it out, get a fire extnguisher and please, please be well. Tonight, we wear blue velvet.
 
littlebeast said:
my hair is on fire. told them i have too much to do - totally buried. hugs all around, ‘so sorry sweetie’. then they gave me two more things to do (woodland - 9am saturday morning). more hugs. ‘come on, you can do it’.

i’m thinking, fuck your hugs, and your ‘sweetie’ bullshit. just cut to the chase, and shoot me in the head.
Click to expand...

Say it with me:

"No, I can't"

Even if you can.

It's good practice.
 
I'm thinking about my friend littlebeast and want to be clear:
Stop! Stop it now! Don't do that. You have described my life to a T. You are doing a lot, and you can do more, just keep on keeping on...I had a heart attack on the 19th because of this behavior. Three days in the hospital felt like a resort. Don't be like me.
 
900ss said:
Even though we thought it was a good time to visit, we will stay here in Silly Cone Valley. For now. Sort it out, get a fire extnguisher and please, please be well. Tonight, we wear blue velvet.
Click to expand...
just so you know - visits from friends count in the plus column, not the minus column. had a couple of dear friends (also both awesome barfers) visit a couple of days ago. great visit. great R & R.

augustiron said:
Say it with me:

"No, I can't"

Even if you can.

It's good practice.
Click to expand...
yeah - just a frustration bitch on my part (venting). under normal circumstances ‘no’ comes easy. one had a serious medical emergency (family member down south), and the other had a work conflict they couldn’t get out of. unfortunately, the buck stops with me, and i couldn’t leave our org unrepresented (important meetings). no other options, no other SME within our ranks. i didn’t get pissy with them. i saved that for barf. bad girl, i know. :censored:
 
I'm thinking if you pick your nose with high dose CBD balm on your finger, things get interesting quick...
 
It has to be me.

It's not about being worthless or bad, it's about me not being the person I want to be and not understanding the person I am and why it's different.

What makes me the person that people don't want to be around or make an effort for? Why is it that the only time I see people is when I go to them or where they're going to be?

Even my oldest "friend" who live 10 minutes or less away and have visited me, once since I bought a house. Are they my friend? Were they ever?

I made trips to birthday parties for his kids, super bowl parties, surgeries, deaths and just general fuckshit.

He hasn't met my kids.

Suddenly he remembered I take photos and suddenly wants to reconnect since his daughter needs senior pics. BITCH, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU KNOCKED UP YOUR GF TO HAVE HER!!!

Ok, sure, let's do lunch first and reconnect and we can talk about it.

Third blowoff today.

But it's not you, you say?

If it walks like a duck nobody likes and talks like a duck nobody likes, when is it the duck and not the nobodies?


Wife asked me to contact some old acquaintances to watch the kids for us and I kind of refused. Haven't seen them in years at this point, not since I lost the job so the distillery and stopped being a discount booze hookup. Before that was the winery, discount booze hookup and before that, where we met, at a different booze establishment.

Now that I'm not a source of booze I'm of no use. Unless I reach out, I don't hear from them. They live 15 minutes away. I've invited them to the park when I take the kids close by. Sowwey chawwie.




It has to be me.

It can't just be that every "friend" I've ever made is always busy, or doesn't have the spoons to reach out to me ever, and I do mean ever...

It has to be me.
 
Yes and, I struggle with why I've fostered these relationships in life that are one way.

Why I have people around me get invited to events that I don't.

Why I have to feel like I force myself into people's lives and through their doors, otherwise I'll never see them.

Right now is the start of my off season so, most of my social contact is also over until March or April.

All these people who are my friends at work and would probably answer if I reached out, but I won't hear from until March or April.

Why?

What is it about me that people don't want to stay in touch with until they need photos or just happen to see me at a gig?

What's hard for me to break down is that I've always been happy with myself until recently.

I have very few regrets. I have very few what ifs that I stew about.

But recently I was called cancerous to a group and it got me thinking as to why.

As I looked at it deeper, I realized that the person I've been happy being, the edgy teenager, is just an asshole of an adult and nobody likes that asshole.

It's not that I don't deserve it, it's that I'm not the person that people want to be around. That I make this bed and lay in it, but it's no longer a comfort like it used to be.

I realized I have to force myself into people's lives, friendly or not.

Barf for example.

I'm ranting about my thoughts to Internet folks who may or may not still ride motorcycles. Who I may or may not know in real life.

Would some of them answer if I called right now? Fosho. Would I answer for most of them that would call me? Absolutely.





It has to be me.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top