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What Are You Thinking Of Right Now?

i_am_the_koi said:
Cool,

And every 'friend' I've got, every single one is overwhelmed to where they can't make any effort? That's what I don't understand.

I'm not saying I'm much better, but part of that is because I feel like I have to carry the load of the relationship and that's not fair to me, so I don't. But if I'm driving 3 hours and going to be in their area, I let them know in cafe they're free.

But, every single 'friend' I've made can't carry a conversation let alone make any actual effort to include me in their life? To check on me as a new dad or a SAHD? To send me a random meme or song?

It has to be me.

I either attract spoonless people, or I'm not worth what spoons people have left, but it has to be me.
Click to expand...
I so deeply resonate with this post, brother. I think the world is short on spoons right now, and that's showing up in a lot of relationships being neglected. I also think we're all getting older and the things that used to bring us together as friends are no longer the core of our lives, and so the need to be more deliberate and reach out to friends to maintain relationships is necessary. But yeah, it's hard when people you consider friend never initiate contact, or reciprocate when you do.

I think being friends in midllfe is far harder than when you're younger, and requires more active effort and cultivation, and most folks don't have the energy for that in the face of the modern world. I know I don't, and don't initiate contact a lot as a result, but ya'll are always in my heart.
 
i_am_the_koi said:
It has to be me is what your saying?

These same friends invite others I know but not me... Is that because I never said when we started our friendship that i expect to be invited to things? Is it because even though I showed up to previous events, I didn't say I wanted be invited back?

These same friends that reach out to other people I know on the regular, but never reach out to me, is it because I didn't lay out the groundwork of expecting weekly to monthly check ins? They are capable, they use their phones, but because I didn't get them to agree in writing to communicate with me, they don't?

It has to be me.

I think that's there's something about me that breeds and fosters the kind of relationship that is one way. Something about my friendship contract that isn't clear about what I need vs what I offer.

It has to be me.
Click to expand...
if that was to me, no, not at all. i just think you may find it an interesting exploration considering your sensitivity to human interaction (and that you’d also be quite good at it). my start in writing was one chapter. a scene that intrigued me (for lack of a better characterization). so i wrote it down. it was very graphic in the situational setting, but also a turning point between two characters. turned out to be chapter 13 after i wrote how they got there, and what happened to them afterward.
 
littlebeast said:
okay - here’s a thought… you have a very interesting cadence. have you thought about writing? writing could be an exploration of that. maybe start with short stories. develop characters and put them in situations you’d like to see them in. explore ‘their’ feelings and reactions as a reflection of what you’d like them to be if you made their choices. develop the situation, but focus on the dialog. the back and forth dialog. words are powerful expressions of thoughts. considering your photography background, you obviously have a creative side. i think you’d be quite good at it.
Click to expand...

I used to write often.

Like, published and award winning at one point, with travel paid to accept the award.

I got out of writing because... I didn't really know why.

Barf was a great reason to write, ride reports and race reports and photo journeys. It's the reason I'm where I'm at today honestly which is a whole separate conversation of struggle that I've been coming to terms with. Used to write road reviews and route reviews.

I have plenty of inspiration but I don't have an audience I care about speaking to. I can't ride like I used to because of twinz so I can't ride report or travel review. I'm not hooked up in the industry to do food reviews and wine reviews like I used to for extra cash. And I'm not going to patreon myself just to beg for change.

Parent groups don't care and the Instagram generation has kind of ruined reviews in general.

But barf is a captive audience that I can force myself on. Like discord groups and Reddit, I can speak freely and y'all can read it or ignore it but, you can't stop me until you ban me. And if I haven't been banned yet, I'm good probably so suck it or scroll past.

Again, I'm the edgy teenager that dgaf. It was a coping mechanism as a bullied youth and it fit right in here will your average smooth brained motorcycle rider when I found barf originally.

15 years later, the bed I've made isn't comfortable and I'm thinking I don't like it.

I don't have the fix, and I'm scared that the fix will honestly hurt the things in my life that are still good. Risking it all for a small thing like friendship is a stupid risk, which I struggle with as well.
 
What are your techniques for coping with life's vagaries Koi ?

Some of mine:

" It's better to want what you have, than have what you want"

" Control your emotions, or your emotions will control you"

AND, you can control the perspective, ex:

I really miss the incredible network of friends and acquaintances that we had on bar 20 years ago. I learned so many new things, and we had so much laughter.

Or

I can't believe how lucky I was to be on barf in that period of time where we had so much fun growing up together, so many connections were made, so many experiences shared, and so much laughter.

Your choice ;)
 
"Be here now"

Enjoy the moment. Accept the moment. Process the moment. Move on from the moment to the next moment and enjoy it as much as the last.

"As long as you're happy, it doesn't fucking matter"

Last words spoken to me from someone as they were dying and it spoke to me at much as be here now. Enjoy the moment, if it makes you happy it doesn't matter what it is.


But accepting that right now, I have few friends and amazing acquaintances is easy.

Understanding why is hard.

I'm not happy, it does fucking matter. I'm struggling right now, in this moment, despite the good in my life.

I'm extremely lucky to be a SAHD of twinz, and being successful at it to some degree. I own a house and motorcycles and adulty things. Compared to so many in this planet, I need to STFU and enjoy what I've got.

But, I'm not a person that others want to be around. I'm not a person that people make an effort for. My door is always open, nobody walks through it no matter how many times I offer. I can find time through the chaos gremlins to help friends in need and make accommodations, but despite openly saying I need help and am struggling, people don't return that?

It has to be me.

"I'm not sick, but I'm not well."

"And now you're just somebody that I used to know."

It has to be me.
 
I also gets the sads.... Do you know when the shortest day of the year is ?

Every year when I first start feeling like Eeyore I look it up, then I tell myself " I just have to hang in there until then, then everyday will be better"
 
every day can get better when given the correct amount of support.
Koi-are you getting the support you need?
Ever think of joining a dads only group? Might be helpful.
 
I think Wall of Denial was his last recording and it was enough-he got done what he was put here to do.
 
I'm thinking about running a crew that was pulling wire from the basement of a newly constructed Embassy Suites hotel to the elevator room on the roof when I heard that SRV had died... I needed to take a break. :rip
 
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I’ve found, through the years I’ve been on this planet, that life is primarily a solo experience. We are born into this life alone. We spend much of our lives by ourselves. And we die alone. All we can do is cherish those times when we are blessed with good people in our lives. Spouses, family, good friends, good coworkers, etc.

I have an excellent old friend. A couple of times in our lives we didn’t communicate or see each other for as much as 20 years or more. But when we would hook up again, it was as if it was only yesterday since we last visited. We were both deeply involved in our own lives and had no time or energy to visit.

Cherish what you have. And having a good wife and wonderful children is something immensely powerful and good in your life. They give your life purpose. Many people don’t have such a rich life.

Welcome to the task of living your life.
 
Melissa said:
every day can get better when given the correct amount of support.
Koi-are you getting the support you need?
Ever think of joining a dads only group? Might be helpful.
Click to expand...

I've joined a few dad groups. They are similar to barf that they are good virtual places to share experience and vent. I've also joined local parent groups and they have been great resources for free supplies and local insight about age appropriate activities.

But so far all the in person meets have been disappointing. Either nobody shows, or they are at breweries and I just have a problem taking the kids out to go drinking with the boys. I've tried to set up a couple and had no participants. I've attended a few and it's been me and the guy who organized it, and our kids are way too far apart to play together.

But, getting the support I need?

No, brutally honest. I'm surviving. I'm getting through the days and keeping the kids alive. But support?

I don't have a village.

I can't commit to things unless I know my wife is available and not going to be pissed I'm taking time for myself. She's the breadwinner, her time is valuable. I'm the sahd, mine is free. It's not, but it's how I like to think of it. Her days off are way more valuable to her so that she can continue working successfully, then mine are so I can go play with myself.

I've learned to ask for help, I've learned to say I'm struggling, I've learned to admit that I am not ok.

But that's not a solution. That doesn't get you help. That doesn't free up time or get cash in your pocket. And it hurts even more when your 'friends' don't reach out when you send up the signal flare.

It's a powerful step, but the tunnel is still just as dark inside and the light is still as far away as it was before you made it.
 
how about a therapy group?
You can learn a great deal about yourself and how you are seen and experienced by others.

When I was in school I took a class called Group Therapy. It was the most difficult class I had and it made me want to explore more so I found a therapy group for women and wow, it was enlightening. I projected all over the clinician and actually called her mashugina. It was an eventful time.
 
Looked, found a parents group but it was just a feeder to a church group.

Most of them seem to be at churches and that's not my jam.

Didn't really enjoy group therapy anyways before. Didn't stay focused and was too freeform and chaotic for me to find a benefit.
 
at least they gave us a weeks notice this time. when i asked what’s what, they said they needed the weekend to get organized. okay. you got it. i’m thinking - progress. baby steps. but progress nevertheless.
 
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