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Budman's on going joke fest

Timmy-Can I go the toilet?

Teacher-say the alphabet

Timmy-ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ

Teacher-where's the P

Timmy-half way down my leg
====================================


Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says

'Ten dollars! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bull Shitter. He's never been out of the yard.'
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Sex After Surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

================================================

Little Johnnies father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnies dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. she agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off. The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your pu$$y before the end of the day.
===============================================

A guy asked a girl in the university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice, "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said,
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. You felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people
===============================================
Dear Abby


My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States .

Act like one.
 
Have I ever told you guys about the one-legged waitress that works at the IHOP?
 
At the scene of a motorcycle accident, two onlookers watched as the EMT's loaded a fellow with a broken leg in the ambulance.
One says, "that must be painful."
The other replies, "Oh that is not so bad. I have had much more severe pain twice in my life.
I once was on a long wildness hiking trip when I felt the urge to have a bowel movement.
I carelessly squatted down over a bear trap. Bam! it slams shut on my private parts."
"Good Lord. That must have been unbearable pain", says the first fellow.
"Yes it was bad", replies the storyteller. "But not near the white-hot flash of pain I felt when three steps later I ran out of chain."
 
So a guy walks into a fancy bar sits down and says to the bartender give me 10 shots of your best tequila right now.
The bartender pours the 10 shots and the guy starts to drink them one by one right after another.

The bartender says- Wow you sure drank those fast, never seen that before. The guy says you would too if you knew what I had and the bartender says what do you have?

The guy says- .75 cents :teeth
 
Old joke.

A lady gets on a bus and sits down next to two Italian guys.

The first guy says “ ok, first Emma come, then I come, then the two asses they come, then I come, again, then the two asses, they come again, then I come, then pee twice, then I come again”

The lady is offended.

The second guy says “I no get it”

First guy “it’s easy, first Emma come, then I come, then the two asses they come, then I come, again, then the two asses, they come again, then I come, then pee twice, then I come again. I don’t get what you problem is”

The lady has had enough. She stands up and says “you’re disgusting! How can you talk like that in public?”

The first guy says “disgusting? Then how you spell Mississippi?”
 
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One."

The boss says "Just one?!? Our sales people average sales to 20-30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says "$101,236.65??!! What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 Expedition.

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
 
I picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few
miles, he asked me if i wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer?
I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.
I think he wet his pants.
 
:applause

Both jokes made me giggle :laughing
 
I got one of those old man emails from an old man friend with some classic humor from old school Jewish comedians. Pretty amazing how many were really successful.

This was before swearing was really accepted.
The jokes are not all PC.. but they are jokes.. some good ones.


Here is a short list of those jokes.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out,
she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey,
I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; Only this
time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the
Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She
got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food
so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled
backward is Not Now .

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish
tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical
school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if
you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the
play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking
part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to
anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and
said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler will let go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
 
Best Name Ever

I might have found this tidbit from https://thebloggess.com/2019/06/13/i-miss-her/ The Blogess...

‘Wonky McVincent” has a nice ring to it and instead of piercing his ear, you could cut one off. Plus, he’s named after family.

However, here is the tale of the GREATEST NAME IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD, I DON’T CARE., THIS IS IT.
So, I’m drivin home from work one summer eve and am crusin thru a funky part of town when all of a sudden this enormous, gigantic woman comes out on her porch and bellows:
“SPATULA! SPATULA! YOU GIT YO ASS IN THIS GODDAM HOUSE RIGHT NOW! SPATULA! I’M TALKING TO YOU, GIRL! GODDAM IT, SPATULA, DON’T MAKE ME COME GIT YO ASS!”
I mean, see above in red letter, oh, jesus christ, I am driving all over the fucking sidewalk, over curbs, wetting my pants, diet coke coming out of my nose, choking on cigarette smoke,crying and thinking I was going to have a heart attack. She named her child after, so help me God, a motherfucking COOKING UTENSIL I mean holy fucking shit, what is up with that? There you have it. The tale of the Best Name Ever....
 
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More about internet spam, and they deserve the credit for this good writing...

https://www.popehat.com/2017/08/03/oh-what-a-lovely-pony/

Edit: teaser, though not for everyone:
I apologize for raising such an earthy and unpleasant topic so early in our acquaintance, Catherine. It seems uncouth. And yet this is not a normal time. War strips away languorous decorum and thrusts people together quickly and violently and in an not entirely sanitary fashion. My grandparents met and were engaged within mere weeks and then my grandfather was off to fight in the Pacific before my grandmother could even fully grasp his intense hatred of pajamas or incomprehensible Boston accent. Civilizational struggles bid us cut straight to the heart of the matter.
 
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tl/dr

yo Butch,

I’ve most always enjoyed yer eM/C posts,
it looks like you’re having a really good time
twisting electrons in the dirt

however, you’re zero-for-3 straight in this thread,
striking out with increasingly weird content
in a trio of tripe typing

this unsolicited review comes to you
from someone who’s frequently rated “obtuse”
by friends & foe alike -
that said, I’m usually aware of when I’m being obscure

so, chill.....

go ride yer bike!
 
An African Tribal Incident

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and
spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science
and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribe’s chief and his wife
and they all live happily for some time. One day the chief’s wife
gives birth to a white child. The word spreads and the entire tribe
is in shock.

The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you are the only
white man we’ve ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a
white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”

The professor replied, “No, chief, you’re mistaken. What we have here
is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino!
Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for
one black one. Nature does this on occasion."












The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You
don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about the white kid!!"
 
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