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Budman's on going joke fest

Merry Christmas.
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At a cocktail party, a woman asked a general "how long has it been since you've made love to a woman"?. The general replied "not since 1950". The woman said to the general "that's a really long time, why don't you come up to my room with me and we'll fix that". They went to the woman's room and made passionate love for an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said " you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1950". The general replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2230".
 
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One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person: "how much for one of those Barbies in the display window?" The salesperson returns: "which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95." The amazed father asks: "how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?" The annoyed salesperson sighs and answers: "Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfit. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's best friends."
 
When the kid went to bed last night, the wife and I sat down on the couch. I looked at her, she looked at me, and we started going at it. We almost fell off the couch. She got up and I followed her into the bedroom. We kept at it for what felt like a couple hours. Finally I tapped out, I was exhausted. After a couple minutes she looked over at me and called me a Sex Machine.

Well, her exact words were "You're a fucking tool!", but I knew what she meant.
 
A woman goes to her doctor in tears. "It's my husband doctor. He has no libido, no desire for sex at all. I can't stand it any longer!"
The doctor says, "I'll give you a prescription for viagra."
"That won't work, he will not take any pills at all" the wife replies.
The doctor tells her to crush one of the pills and put it in his morning coffee. "That will do the trick" he said.

A week later the wife returns. "Did the ground up pill in the coffee work?" asked the doctor.
"Yes it did!!" said the wife. "He drank his coffee and suddenly stood up with lust in his eyes and a bulge in his pants. He swept the cups and platters off the table, threw me onto the table and we made mad, crazy love like we haven't done in 30 years!!!"
"That's wonderful" exclaimed the doctor.
The wife said, "Yes it is, but we can never go back to that Starbucks !"
 
A woman goes to buy a parrot and notices the prices are $100, $200, and $15. Curious, she asks why the last one is so cheap.

The shopkeeper replies, "That one used to live in a brothel." Amused, she decides to buy it for $15.

When she brings the parrot home, it immediately says, "Well, I'll be damned, a new brothel!" The woman can't help but laugh.

Later, when her daughters arrive home, the parrot chirps, "Well, look at that, two new ladies of the night!" The girls burst into laughter too.

But when the dad walks in, the parrot exclaims, "Well, I'll be damned, Pete! Long time no see!"
 
Q: What do you call a musician that just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
 
Question: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Answer: Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

Question: How do you know if the floor is level?
Answer: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Question: What's the difference between a banjo and trampoline?
Answer: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Question: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Answer: When you can throw a banjo into a dumpster without hitting the sides.

Question: How do you know when a banjo player is at your door?
Answer: He can't find the key, and he doesn't know when to come in.

Question: How do you tune a banjo?
Answer: No one knows.

Question: What's the difference between a banjo player and a large pepperoni pizza?
Answer: The pizza can feed a family of four.
 
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