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Budman's on going joke fest

would like to laugh, but after hands all over him, the actual story went more along the lines of -

‘you like cats, you have cats?’

‘yes.’

‘who’s taking care of them while you are in sweden?’

‘my wife.’

hands removed. or so he said.

i didn’t laugh then, am not laughing now.
 
bikeama said:
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess... in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like... what???...

He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you".

He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor... he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son.

"where is your mom?" He asks.

"she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers.

"ok... do you know what happened yesterday?"

"i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in..."

"...afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away..."

"...after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself."

"So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man.

"Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants..."

"And then what happened????"

"Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
Click to expand...
1955?
 
A man and his wife are having sex. They're going at it hot and heavy.

Suddenly they hear a noise - it's their little son Timmy standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room.

The father says, "I'll go talk to Timmy." He goes to Timmy's room and opens the door and sees little Timmy giving it hot and heavy to Grandma.

The father says, "OMG!" and little Timmy says, "not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
 
At a cocktail party, a woman asked a general "how long has it been since you've made love to a woman"?. The general replied "not since 1950". The woman said to the general "that's a really long time, why don't you come up to my room with me and we'll fix that". They went to the woman's room and made passionate love for an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said " you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1950". The general replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2230".
 
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