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Budman's on going joke fest

How is the average BARF response like a stuck-up midget prisoner going down the stairs?

They're both a little condescending.
 
Why did Sally fall off the swings?

Because she had no arms.



Knock Knock

Who's there?

Not Sally!
 
More anti-jokes

What did Batman say to Robin just before they got in the car?
"Get in the car."


A man walks into a bar and says, "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter! Boy are my arms tired!" Everyone groaned and ignored him.
The man sat alone at the end of the bar with his beer. He was proud of the craftsmanship that went into the shelves he'd installed at the shelter, even if nobody else appreciated it.


Hellen Keller walks into a bar...
then a chair, then the wall, because it's a room she's never been in before.


My friends say I'm too condescending.
If you didn't know, that means I talk down to people.


A guy goes to his doctor for an annual checkup, and the doc says, "You really need to stop masturbating."
The man asks, "Why is that?"
"Because I'm trying to examine you" says the doc.
 
So these brothers were building a tunnel near their house for fun when the whole thing caved in on them. Fortunately everyone escaped.

Just a few miner injuries.
 
bcv_west said:
A guy goes to his doctor for an annual checkup, and the doc says, "You really need to stop masturbating."
The man asks, "Why is that?"
"Because I'm trying to examine you" says the doc.
Click to expand...

I just bit into an orange and then read this. I choked. Thanks for almost killing me, dick.:laughing
 
You should never trust an atom...





They make up everything:party
 
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself:
"Man.... that coulda been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
 
I did not see that coming either.. :laughing

*************************************

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the robber’s hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense minute of silence.













Then.....An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."
 
After taking off my pants for my prostate exam, I asked the Dr. where I should put them.

"Over there by mine" was not the answer I expected to hear.
 
Wife texts husband from home on a cold winter’s
morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up now.”
 
I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my iPad."
That fuckin' spider never knew what hit him.
 
Bud The Cowboy
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his heard in a remote pasture in Montana, when suddenly a new BMW sedan pulls up in a cloud of dust. The driver in a nice suit, shoes and sunglasses leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you how many cows and calfs you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?
Bud looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not."
The driver pulls out his Android, connects to a NASA page, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get a fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in and takes an ultra-high-resolution photo. He then exports the photo in Adobe photoshop to an image processing facility. Within seconds he receives an email on his Android that the image has been processed and the data stored. He prints out a full color report on his miniatured HP printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
Bud watches the man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The man thinks for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the man, "but how did you know that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are and you don't know a thing about how working people earn a living-or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."






"Now give me back my dog."
 
old bull, young bull

Two golfers are paired up at the first tee, old guy and a young guy. The young guy hits booming shot after booming shot, but the old guy stays with him with a steady diet of chips and one-putts. The young guy is getting annoyed.

They get to the 18th all tied up, a dogleg right with a tree protecting the green. The old guy steps up and hits a dinky safe drive down the middle. The young guy steps up and stares at the line to the green, before grabbing his 2 iron for the safe play.

The older guy smiles and says "When I was your age, I'd take a four wood and hit right over that tree, straight to the green for an eagle."

The young golfer can't take it. He grabs his four wood and hammers it, a monster shot. The ball flies straight into the top branches of the tree and rebounds into the deep rough.

"Of course," the old guy says, "when I was your age, that tree was a lot shorter."
 
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a 500 foot cliff, getting ready to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no! Get away from me you sick bastard!"










The bum turns to leave and mutters, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom".
 
So Artie ran into this guy that owed him a buck. They get in a fight and he ends up strangling the guy. The guys friends hear what Artie did to their friend so they go over to fight him and as it turns out Artie strangles those two guys too.

I saw it in the paper today. It said ...


Artie chokes three for a dollar.
 
budman said:
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a 500 foot cliff, getting ready to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no! Get away from me you sick bastard!"










The bum turns to leave and mutters, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom".
Click to expand...

:laughing :barf
 
Which American President was the least guilty???




Lincoln.
Penny-obverse.png








He was..... In A Cent....
carusox.jpg
 
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