Budman's on going joke fest

[Jammer]

So the first time I was married....

I said "Let's put a dollar in this jar every time we make love. Then we'll count it on our first anniversary.

So we did. And it was a lot of money.

There were lots of dollars and a bunch of 10's and 20's.

I asked "Where did the 10's and 20's come from?"

She said "They're not all as cheap as you."

 

[planegray]

This

 

[Jammer]

After coming home late, my wife was furious and asked where I was. I told her I was playing poker with my friends.

She refused to talk to me, so I took her out on a long scenic ride on our FJR.

Her mood eventually improved, and looking out the pine trees she sighed, "What a beautiful view. I wish we could spend the rest of our lives right here."

I said, "Well, your wish just came true... because you won't believe what happened at poker."

 

[Escape pod]

There was a boastful, noisy hyena bouncing around the savannah, teasing all the animals—especially a lion who led his pride.

One day, the lion’s partner asked, “Why do you let that silly hyena tease you? You’re the leader. Why not do something?”

The lion just smiled and said, “It’s not worth the fuss. He’s not hurting anyone; it’s just talk.”

Still, the lioness wanted to show the hyena a lesson, so she started a chase. They ran for miles until the hyena ducked through a fallen, hollow tree trunk. The lioness tried to follow but got stuck. The hyena slipped behind her and took advantage of the situation.

Once the hyena wandered off, she backed out and in a quiet manner, headed home. The lion took one look at her and said, “He led you to that hollow tree, didn’t he?”

 

[BillSmith]

Ah, the wisdom of experience.

 

[Escape pod]

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up and each shot in turn, but before you are shot you get a final request."

The Scotsman says, "Before I'm shot I'd like to hear Highland Cathedral played on the bagpipes once again, to remind me of the old country." The German nods, "That can be arranged."

The Irishman says, "Before I die, I'd like to hear Danny Boy sung, with Riverdancers skipping gaily to the tune to remind me of the old country." The German nods, "That can also be arranged."

The Welshman says, "For the last time before I die I'd like to hear Men of Harlech again, sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir, to remind me of the old country." The German nods, "Yes. That can be arranged."

"You're going to grant those three requests?" asks the Englishman. "Of course," says the German officer. "So... what is your request?"

And The Englishman says, "Can I be shot first?"

 

[cheez]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says "But you're a duck!"

"I see your eyes are working." replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working." says the duck, "Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please?"

The landlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in. The landlord asks "What brings you to town?"

"I'm a plasterer, and I'm working on the building site across the road, and I'm on my break. I prefer to eat my lunches in peace." explains the duck.

This continues for 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer, eats ham sandwiches and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous!" says the ringleader, "Have him give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus." says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right!" replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

 

[dravnx]

I was sitting in a bar one afternoon and I pirate walks in and sits down next to me. A real pirate. He had a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch. I couldn't resist. I asked him how he lost his leg. He told me his ship struck a reef and sank in shark infested waters and his leg was bitten off. I asked him how he lost his hand. He told me he boarded another ship, there was a fierce fight and his hand was cut off. I asked him how he lost his eye. He told me he was looking up and a seagull shit in his eye. I said, really? Seagull shit will kill an eye? He said, well it was the first day with my new hook.

 

[Abacinator]

I was sitting in a bar one afternoon and I pirate walks in and sits down next to me. A real pirate. He had a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch. I couldn't resist. I asked him how he lost his leg. He told me his ship struck a reef and sank in shark infested waters and his leg was bitten off. I asked him how he lost his hand. He told me he boarded another ship, there was a fierce fight and his hand was cut off. I asked him how he lost his eye. He told me he was looking up and a seagull shit in his eye. I said, really? Seagull shit will kill an eye? He said, well it was the first day with my new hook.

Did you ask about the steering wheel on his belt buckle?

"yarr, it's driving me nuts!"