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Cheapskate Friends... What do you do?

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FourT2Infinity

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Jan 26, 2009
Location
Bay Area
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Nice enough people, but this friendship feels very imbalanced. Certain social graces are blatantly absent with these people & the diminishing rate of return of the friendship has convinced me to abandon my efforts. Simply too much energy expended with little reciprocation, and an exceeding amount of frustration as the reward. I don't wish them any ill will, I simply choose to walk away quietly & allow things to fall in place. To clarify, I am not expecting anything out of the ordinary - just a bit of genuine consideration (its a friendship, not a charity). Some friendships last a lifetime - some, a season...

How would you handle this situation?
 
Stop bothering? People like that aren't even worth the effort of being told to fuck off, or what they're doing is wrong, as they won't change.


Block the email accounts, change their name in the phone to "Do not answer" and just go about your happy little way.
 
My wife has a good friend (maybe) in this type of deal. She wants to go to lunch. After lunch, she all of the sudden, only has $3.00. This happens regularly. So she doesn't get invited very often any more. You don't see her unless she needs something, then it's "Hi, how are you? I hope your kids are doing well in school. Can I borrow your car? (Fuck no). Can I borrow $100 until payday?" And my wife is easy. She'll loan her the money, which is always paid back, but still.....

I guess there are a lot of people like this. Less and less in my life, I just walk away. Don't need that shit around me.
 
Re friends Rich Oliver once told me: "Either they're a benefit, or they're gone."

Seemed a little harsh at the time, but I've since decided he was right on the money. And I'm much happier now...
 
I was wondering why nobody ever hangs out with me.
 
Invite them to an expensive restaurant. Order lots of foodz n' drinkz. Before the bill comes, excuse yourself to go get your wallet out of the car. Leave.
 
FourT2Infinity said:
Nice enough people, but this friendship feels very imbalanced. Certain social graces are blatantly absent with these people & the diminishing rate of return of the friendship has convinced me to abandon my efforts. Simply too much energy expended with little reciprocation, and an exceeding amount of frustration as the reward. I don't wish them any ill will, I simply choose to walk away quietly & allow things to fall in place. To clarify, I am not expecting anything out of the ordinary - just a bit of genuine consideration (its a friendship, not a charity). Some friendships last a lifetime - some, a season...

How would you handle this situation?
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We have a friend (family) who came over to dinner first time but didn't bringing any gifts. After that dinner, I mentioned to my wife that I will not invite them over anymore (they were more of her friends). I don't understand why she can't see this my way.
 
sv2007 said:
We have a friend (family) who came over to dinner first time but didn't bringing any gifts. After that dinner, I mentioned to my wife that I will not invite them over anymore (they were more of her friends). I don't understand why she can't see this my way.
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Didn't get that 18" double headed dildo of your dreams, eh?
 
I sympathize with OP. It isn't just cheapskates, but also narcissists that can seem like fun people until you realize you are doing all the inviting, etc. Often, a school friend will marry and the new couple will enhance the existing tendency. Sure happened to me with a chum going way back. It can actually be pretty painful, but to do anything less than distance yourself will cause a commensurate loss of self-respect.
 
If you don't have the money to do something is that hard for people to say no thanks or maybe next time. I don't go out to eat with friends unless I know I can cover my self and then some in case something comes up.
 
Some people seem to think you need all the friends you can get, and put up with all sorts of bad behavior just to keep them. I think you can be "friendly" with all sorts of people without being "friends". Friendship is earned, and it is a mutual relationship of respect, not just something to keep you from being lonely.
 
I think there are variables at play that need to be considered.

First, do you genuinely enjoy hanging out with this person? If so, and the money is the problem, just go do things that don't cost much, or just pay things separately.

If it's an issue of them not making the effort to reciprocate your efforts, when they are capable of doing so, then I would have a problem with that.

I have a friend who I get along with, but it's immensely hard to hang out with him. He never wants to go out with other people I might know, it's pretty much mutual high school friends only, or the two of us. He rarely drives out to my neighborhood, on the pretense that gas is expensive, his car is in poor condition, and parking is a bitch to find when he goes back home.

Gas is expensive for me too, and parking is most definitely a bitch when I visit him. In fact, for a while I would only ride my bike, due to the parking situation, but then we can't go anywhere, and he doesn't like people to be in his apartment because he shares it with his dad. Whatever his reasons are, it's really hard to just hang out with him. It always feels like a struggle and there are barriers to everything.

Go get food? Restaurants aren't cheap enough. Okay, fine, fast food? Food is too shitty. Let's go somewhere, I have to drive every time. Okay, let's hang out at home, can't, dad's home. Okay, then come over and chill at my place, too far away, don't want to drive.

I'm sure you guys see the picture by now.

I am not cutting him out of my life, he is still my friend. But for the time being, I will not be going out of my way to socialize with him.

OP, I suggest you do the same, and assess how much you really enjoy hanging out with your friend. If there is a genuine friendship there, maybe it's worth telling them how you feel. If the friendship is true, they will at the least accept your concerns and not hold them against you. If they are really your friend, they will make adjustments.

If they are really offended, you didn't lose a friend, and you can move on without a second thought.
 
FourT2Infinity said:
All... I believe they, quite simply, don't know any better. There are plenty of examples of their astonishingly brazen frugality, but nothing stands out more (well, there are plenty more, actually, but I don't have all day) than ordering one main dish at a restaurant to share between them (they're a couple) because they "can't eat that much" (portions are small at this place & we tell them this), then asking to sample the dishes my wife and I ordered for ourselves. Ooooohh... and then making double-damn sure the waitress knew it was "separate checks dammit!!" for our table. These are the same people that come to my house with their kids and raid my garage refrigerator for their beverages of choice - and never fully consume the drinks, mind you, leaving me to discard their trash. OK, here's the one I'll never forget - asking me to look at a motorbike for the wife in the middle of the winter season, then without any forewarning, having me ride it to back to their house 45 minutes away after they purchased it - I froze my balls off that day. But when I asked for help with a piano we had purchased for our daughter... well, you can guess what happened there.

After countless little and not-so-little examples like this, I'm hanging it up & calling it a good run. I'll never name these people publicly, because that's unnecessary (they aren't mean people), and this post is largely to allow myself an avenue to vent and validate my decision. I'm sure the other friends in their lives will appreciate the exclusivity they are now given... I wish them the best.

Thanks for letting me blow off some steam.
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The world is made up of Givers and Takers. These people are clearly Takers.

I have no use for Takers.
 
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