old_n_slow
Confused
Hi,
Long time sink lurker here. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 14 years (both of us are > 40 yrs old). We live together and I'm more of an introvert and she's more of an extrovert. For the last year or so, I noticed that one of her male friends (she's known him for about five years) was going to a lot of the events she was going to. She usually goes with her friends (mostly couples and a few single). I go to some of these events, but not all of them. At the time, my gut feeling was that he was attracted to her (I've met him and he knows I'm in a relationship with her), and asked her what the deal was. She said he was just a friend and that she had no romantic feelings for him. She does have a few other male friends like that, so I told myself I was being paranoid and to simply trust her. Recently, we've been going through a bit of a rough patch (for about three months). This week, I asked her what was going on. It turns out the guy told her (about a month ago) that he has feelings for her and she now believes she has feelings for him. This floored me. I did ask what would have happened if he had told her about his feelings six months ago (before our rough patch), and she said she would have politely told him she wasn't interested. Now, she says she needs time to figure out whether she wants to stay with me or start dating him. She says that I don't go out with her often enough and that we're very different personalities. Both of these are statements are true, but I've told her in the past that a lot of her events are things I'm not too keen on (lots of wine tasting, trips to bars) and she seemed fine with that. I'm also more of an even keeled rational person, whereas she tends to have more highs and lows and is more emotional.
There are no young children involved, but there is one cat who I've grown strangely attached to. I've talked to two close friends of mine and they've given me conflicting advice. They've both known me for a long time, and know the type of person I am. One of them said that I should break it off since he didn't think I'd be able to trust her again. The other said that I still care for her and I should give her time to work out her feelings. I'm really torn, as my rational brain says that I should move on as I'm unlikely to be able to trust her with male friends again and I'm never going to go to all her events. My emotional side says I should be a better person and give her time to sort out her feelings, especially as I can tell she fells absolutely terrible about this. I do still love her and she says she loves me and cares for me as well, but I would honestly like to hear how other people would respond to this situation. Hence, I call upon the wisdom of the mighty Sink collective for opinions. I know I'm going to get a lot of flip responses, but I would really appreciate honest opinions especially from some of the longtime Sink posters whose opinions I respect (tzrider, Traq, DucatiHoney, Connie, etc.). I realize it's crazy to ask for relationship advice on an internet motorcyle forum, but I honestly don't know who else to talk with.
Sorry for the long post, but thanks for taking the time to read it.
tl;dr - Been in relationship 13 years. Me - introvert, her - extrovert. Found out recently one of her male friends told her he had feelings for her, and now she says she has feelings for him. She wants time to figure it out. Should I simply end things, or give her time to sort out her feelings?
Long time sink lurker here. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 14 years (both of us are > 40 yrs old). We live together and I'm more of an introvert and she's more of an extrovert. For the last year or so, I noticed that one of her male friends (she's known him for about five years) was going to a lot of the events she was going to. She usually goes with her friends (mostly couples and a few single). I go to some of these events, but not all of them. At the time, my gut feeling was that he was attracted to her (I've met him and he knows I'm in a relationship with her), and asked her what the deal was. She said he was just a friend and that she had no romantic feelings for him. She does have a few other male friends like that, so I told myself I was being paranoid and to simply trust her. Recently, we've been going through a bit of a rough patch (for about three months). This week, I asked her what was going on. It turns out the guy told her (about a month ago) that he has feelings for her and she now believes she has feelings for him. This floored me. I did ask what would have happened if he had told her about his feelings six months ago (before our rough patch), and she said she would have politely told him she wasn't interested. Now, she says she needs time to figure out whether she wants to stay with me or start dating him. She says that I don't go out with her often enough and that we're very different personalities. Both of these are statements are true, but I've told her in the past that a lot of her events are things I'm not too keen on (lots of wine tasting, trips to bars) and she seemed fine with that. I'm also more of an even keeled rational person, whereas she tends to have more highs and lows and is more emotional.
There are no young children involved, but there is one cat who I've grown strangely attached to. I've talked to two close friends of mine and they've given me conflicting advice. They've both known me for a long time, and know the type of person I am. One of them said that I should break it off since he didn't think I'd be able to trust her again. The other said that I still care for her and I should give her time to work out her feelings. I'm really torn, as my rational brain says that I should move on as I'm unlikely to be able to trust her with male friends again and I'm never going to go to all her events. My emotional side says I should be a better person and give her time to sort out her feelings, especially as I can tell she fells absolutely terrible about this. I do still love her and she says she loves me and cares for me as well, but I would honestly like to hear how other people would respond to this situation. Hence, I call upon the wisdom of the mighty Sink collective for opinions. I know I'm going to get a lot of flip responses, but I would really appreciate honest opinions especially from some of the longtime Sink posters whose opinions I respect (tzrider, Traq, DucatiHoney, Connie, etc.). I realize it's crazy to ask for relationship advice on an internet motorcyle forum, but I honestly don't know who else to talk with.
Sorry for the long post, but thanks for taking the time to read it.
tl;dr - Been in relationship 13 years. Me - introvert, her - extrovert. Found out recently one of her male friends told her he had feelings for her, and now she says she has feelings for him. She wants time to figure it out. Should I simply end things, or give her time to sort out her feelings?
