Social stigma of grieving over the loss of a pet

[CoorsLight]

Why We Need to Take Pet Loss Seriously

Interesting Scientific American article about the severity and duration of grief following the loss of a pet. On average, grief symptoms last an entire year, and may involve physical disorders as well. Problem is that recovery from grief requires social support. We receive social support when we lose a friend or family member, but typically not when a pet passes away. The relative absence of support from friends, family, and even at the workplace adds an additional layer of emotional distress when a pet dies.

It’s time we gave grieving pet owners the recognition, support and consideration they need. Yes, it is up to us to identify and address our emotional wounds when our pet dies, but the more validation we received from those around us, the quicker and the more complete our psychological recovery would be.

What do you BARFers think? I have not had to deal with the death of a pet for more than 30 years, so I can't personally relate, but those close to me who have lost pets clearly were affected as if they had lost a best friend or family member. It's really sad, and in several cases the grief did not go away even after many, many years.

Do you think that friends and family should make more effort to provide support for grieving pet owners? What kind of stigma or social obstacles do you think this would create? Do you think that workplaces should offer bereavement leave for pets?

 

[Mike95060]

Why We Need to Take Pet Loss Seriously

Interesting Scientific American article about the severity and duration of grief following the loss of a pet. On average, grief symptoms last an entire year, and may involve physical disorders as well. Problem is that recovery from grief requires social support. We receive social support when we lose a friend or family member, but typically not when a pet passes away. The relative absence of support from friends, family, and even at the workplace adds an additional layer of emotional distress when a pet dies.



What do you BARFers think? I have not had to deal with the death of a pet for more than 30 years, so I can't personally relate, but those close to me who have lost pets clearly were affected as if they had lost a best friend or family member. It's really sad, and in several cases the grief did not go away even after many, many years.

Do you think that friends and family should make more effort to provide support for grieving pet owners? What kind of stigma or social obstacles do you think this would create? Do you think that workplaces should offer bereavement leave for pets?

My first reaction is no they should not. Pet ownership is a choice. When you chose to own a pet you are assuming they will not out live you and you will have to deal with their loss. If that hardship is too much for you to bear, maybe you don't need to own a pet. Grief is a part of life. We need to be strong enough to go on with our lives even while we grieve. Being active is, IMHO, a way to help cope.

When I went to my grandfathers funeral I stayed with my grandmother in their home for the duration of my trip. My 89 year old grandmother was insistent on keeping up with her routines. One afternoon I saw her in the kitchen chopping oranges for a fruit salad, bit of a dessert tradition in her home, and I asked if I could do that for her. She just looked at me and said, "No. I need something to do right now." We both understood what she meant. She is now 92 and still living in her farm house, alone, with daily visits from family that lives close by. She is sad my grandfather is gone, but she has found way to be ok. We all need to learn how to do that. Grieving should not turn into wallowing.

 

[wazzuFreddo]

Losing a pet is sad, but losing friends and family is way worse.

 

[Johndicezx9]

I gotta say... my mom died in 2006, I was sad, I cried, I took a couple of days off for the funeral services, etc, went back to work, and dealt with the grief that would come in like waves, sometimes big, sometimes small, and eventually those waves diminished to ripples. That's life.

I ended up with her cat, a black cat that weighed about 20 pounds found as a stray, looked like a miniature panther, kinda on the mean side, too. I didn't want him, didn't need him, and frankly, I don't even think we liked each other.

But, about a year and a half later, when that cat died, I was seriously devastated... like cry my eyes out couldn't watch a cat food commercial without choking up devastated... AND I'M NOT REALLY A CAT PERSON.

I can see where they're coming from, grief is grief.

 

[motomania2007]

pets and their owners oftentimes form very emotional bonds because pets tend to give affection unconditionally. Humans don't always give that to other humans in their lives so the human-pet relationship can be very powerful bond.

I had a pet cat that was with me for 11 years. Received him as a gift when he was about 10 weeks old. He was with me through a horrid divorce and custody battle. But he was always there to sit with and relax and be with me, like no human in my life at the time.

When he died, it was very very tough on me. I still miss his companionship and it has been 10 years and a couple of cats later.

When my Dad died a few years after my cat died, it was a similar yet much bigger loss.

Both times, I went through the grieving process.

IMO, the grieving process is the withdrawal symptoms and process of the learning how to get on with your life without the relationship.

Heck, I know people that go though the grieving process when they lose a motorcycle...

Edited to add:

Many of my friends expressed support and sympathy when my cat died and when my Dad died.

Your true friends know your pet was an important part of your life and they respect that by expressing sympathy and support.

Anyone else in your life that doesn't understand that is either clueless, a butthead, or just doesn't really know or care much about you so their lack of support should be equally meaningless.

 

[afm199]

My dogs are my family. I love them and trust them. I grieve when one of them dies. Not as if they were a human. It's not the same. It's a real loss, and it is really painful. I feel sympathy for anyone who loses a pet.

There are 7 billion people in the world. I don't lose a lot of sleep over them. Family? All dead. Friends? It's extremely painful. In some ways much worse than a pet. There's actually something pure about the grief for a pet.

 

[motomania2007]

Yup Ernie, I think the "pure" aspect of it is from the unconditional affection the pets provide. They are always happy to see you and want to be with you. That is a very powerful feeling and emotional feedback loop!

 

[TylerW]

My first reaction is no they should not. Pet ownership is a choice. When you chose to own a pet you are assuming they will not out live you and you will have to deal with their loss. If that hardship is too much for you to bear, maybe you don't need to own a pet. Grief is a part of life.

This is a pretty silly rationale. Beyond parents or siblings, anyone you love is someone you deliberately chose to include in your life. You don't need to make friends, you don't need to get married, you don't need to have kids. I'm trying to imagine a scenario where someone is denied bereavement time for their child on the rationale of "hey, if you can't stomach the grief, you probably shouldn't have had them"

And yes, that's an extreme example, but I know plenty of people for whom their pets are as equal a part of their family as anyone else. I'm one of them - I have the sweetest, most loving cat I've ever had in my life right now, she literally falls down at my feet when I come home from work. I'll be destroyed when she's gone.



As to the workplace issue, I think the right answer is to provide employees enough PTO that they should be comfortable taking it for whatever reason they choose. Vacation, mental health day, bereavement, sickness, whatever. And in the rare cases that they're at a zero balance, they should be able to go into a PTO debt for bereavement.

 

[Archimedes]

I gotta say... my mom died in 2006, I was sad, I cried, I took a couple of days off for the funeral services, etc, went back to work, and dealt with the grief that would come in like waves, sometimes big, sometimes small, and eventually those waves diminished to ripples. That's life.

I ended up with her cat, a black cat that weighed about 20 pounds found as a stray, looked like a miniature panther, kinda on the mean side, too. I didn't want him, didn't need him, and frankly, I don't even think we liked each other.

But, about a year and a half later, when that cat died, I was seriously devastated... like cry my eyes out couldn't watch a cat food commercial without choking up devastated... AND I'M NOT REALLY A CAT PERSON.

I can see where they're coming from, grief is grief.

Same here. When we lost our dog of 13 years about a year ago, I was totally devastated. I held her as she died and it was absolutely gut wrenching. I still tear up thinking about it. I would constantly think I see her walking down the hall to me, or expect to see her on her bed, etc.

When I lost my Mom 18 years ago, it wasn't near as bad. Loved my Mom, but as an adult and with her being the parent, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was when I lost my sweet lamb. If not for our new girl Ellie, I'd probably still be struggling with it.

The bond with animals can be just as strong, if not stronger, than with people.

 

[Mike95060]

This is a pretty silly rationale. Beyond parents or siblings, anyone you love is someone you deliberately chose to include in your life. You don't need to make friends, you don't need to get married, you don't need to have kids. I'm trying to imagine a scenario where someone is denied bereavement time for their child on the rationale of "hey, if you can't stomach the grief, you probably shouldn't have had them"

And yes, that's an extreme example, but I know plenty of people for whom their pets are as equal a part of their family as anyone else. I'm one of them - I have the sweetest, most loving cat I've ever had in my life right now, she literally falls down at my feet when I come home from work. I'll be destroyed when she's gone.

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As to the workplace issue, I think the right answer is to provide employees enough PTO that they should be comfortable taking it for whatever reason they choose. Vacation, mental health day, bereavement, sickness, whatever. And in the rare cases that they're at a zero balance, they should be able to go into a PTO debt for bereavement.

In general, children are expected to outlive their parents. When they don't we call it a tragedy. There is no such expectation with pets.

 

[TylerW]

I think it's really unfair to judge the way others process grief - it hits everyone in such personal ways. The day my mother died, I felt relieved - she had finally escaped the illness that had troubled her for most of her adult life and my entire time of knowing her. When we had her memorial service, after the formalities, I bailed to go see From Dusk Til Dawn with two rando friends from high school just to escape. The grief is something I'm still processing over 20 years later.

Meanwhile, I've been seeing my wife through the loss of her mother over the past 5 years.They were best friends and while she's a tougher nut than me, it hit her hard. But after a few years, she set a big personal goal for herself, and as of this week, achieved it. She'll always miss her mom, they were best friends - but I think she's cleared the worst of it better than I have.

 

[CocoLoco]

I can't add much to the discussion because I think bereavement is an extremely personal state of being. So much so that it defies socially imposed restrictions. And that goes for animals/pets as well as humans.

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I have to comment on this though. That cat sees you as her God, Ty. That is awesome. What a joy to have in your life.

 

[TylerW]

I have to comment on this though. That cat sees you as her God, Ty. That is awesome. What a joy to have in your life.

I dunno man, she's currently farting on my nachos.

 

[CoorsLight]

Same here. When we lost our dog of 13 years about a year ago, I was totally devastated. I held her as she died and it was absolutely gut wrenching. I still tear up thinking about it. I would constantly think I see her walking down the hall to me, or expect to see her on her bed, etc.

When I lost my Mom 18 years ago, it wasn't near as bad. Loved my Mom, but as an adult and with her being the parent, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was when I lost my sweet lamb. If not for our new girl Ellie, I'd probably still be struggling with it.

The bond with animals can be just as strong, if not stronger, than with people.

Yep, the article and the studies referenced within it indicate that the strength of attachment between pets and owners is so strong that the clinical symptoms of grief are identical to that of losing a family member, but the healing process can be even more complicated because it's not really socially acceptable to express grieving for a dead animal. Same goes for friends and family; they are not inclined to provide moral support for such an event.

 

[#1Freak]

As a generality, i love animals/pets way more then humans

 

[Removed 3]

Do you think that friends and family should make more effort to provide support for grieving pet owners? What kind of stigma or social obstacles do you think this would create?

it depends on what kind of friendship you have. are you open about showing you care when you notice your friends are sad? what amt of support do you normally give to your friends for other circumstances?

life is too short to be bound by societal rules. be a good friend, a better friend, by showing you care. you can't fake that. and also, it shouldn't be a formal rule of etiquette to buy a hallmark sympathy card when a friend loses a pet.


for me personally, i don't need people to feel obligated to express their sympathy to me when i lose someone or a pet in my life. i like having the space to sort it all out. nothing anybody says makes me feel better anyway, that's the truth


people whose lives are interrupted by the loss of their pet won't care about social stigma. they do what they can to move on. i can say that my manager two levels up lets me take care of any pet emergencies and gives me as much time as i need. employers who value their employees need to be aware that in an event of the loss of a pet, they should be sensitive to their employees need for some time off

 

[flying_hun]

I can see where they're coming from, grief is grief.

I can't add much to the discussion because I think bereavement is an extremely personal state of being. So much so that it defies socially imposed restrictions. And that goes for animals/pets as well as humans.

One thing I've discovered in life is that we are in no position to judge the grief of another. People experience what they experience, and making judgments regarding whether they "should" or whether it's "justified" is less than useless.

 

[Removed 3]

One thing I've discovered in life is that we are in no position to judge the grief of another. People experience what they experience, and making judgments regarding whether they "should" or whether it's "justified" is less than useless.

 

[kevin 714]

When my cat of 16 years died I felt it more acutely than when my father died


My boss did give me two days off for it

Don't forget many times YOU have to put down the pet. Grief is compounded by being the one to make the choice, being the one who has look look at that innocence who trusts and decide it's their time

 

[motomania2007]

snip...

Don't forget many times YOU have to put down the pet. Grief is compounded by being the one to make the choice, being the one who has look look at that innocence who trusts and decide it's their time

Hell yes, that sux!

One thing I've discovered in life is that we are in no position to judge the grief of another. People experience what they experience, and making judgments regarding whether they "should" or whether it's "justified" is less than useless.

Absolutely!