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spoke to biological father for 1st time in 27yrs(whole life) today

superNAtural01

superNAtural01

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All my life I have wanted to atleast talk to my dad. I had questions I want answered. And I wanted some closure. Well after years of trying to find him, and his side of the family not helping to much, I found him. I got his # from a uncle of mine on saturday. I found out he lives in maryland, has a wife and a daughter who's 21. So my uncle offered to cal him to let him know I was going to call.

Well he called me back yesterday and said that my dad said ok. So I called. It was weird. I felt like I had so much anger, so many questions, but I could barely mumble a "hello" so after all these years, and so much to say, I had nothing to say. We made some small talk, but not a single thing that I always wanted to know. Je told me that after his time in the navy (f-18 mechanic), he opened his own buisness doing aeroplane repair at baltimore int'l airport. We spoke about my military history, and his.

I wanted to ask hin why he left, and more importantly, why he didn't get ahold of me. But I couldn't get it out. The conversation was short and weird. I hope we can talk again, and hopefully open up more. I still need things answered and I'm not going to give up.

Should have I even tried? He never did. Should I keep making an effort? He never has. Lookin for some opinions. Thanks
 
Wow, I cannot even imagine how uncomfortable that phone conversation must have been. You need to speak more to get closure. It will take time, but in the end this is what you need.
 
I would at least want to get some family history, medical etc.
 
thats a tough one..... my folks are divorced and both remarried. this taught me that blood/dna doesn't make anybody family. being there for each other does.
 
elskipador- exactly. Blood has nothing to do with it.

As for the OP:
Don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to, but don't let your urges to ask questions be stifled by shame or fear or anger. You can ask any questions you want, whenever you want. It doesn't have to be today, in a week or in a year. Do it when you feel comfortable. He may not want to answer but you can always ask.

The first time I talked to my biological father was *definitely* awkward and I still don't think we are 100% comfortable around each other. That's what happens when you don't know someone for the first 34 years (or in your case 27) of their life. Perfectly normal.

One thing I try remind myself of is that I have no idea what things were like for him when I was born, what I would have done were I in his shoes, etc, etc. It's really difficult for me to judge him, because it's never happened to me. I can speculate plenty, but a lot of people will tell you: the thing you think you'd do in situation and what you wind up doing can be two very different things.

Once you learn the entire story behind how things happened (especially from his perspective) your opinions may change, so try not to be too hard on him if you can.
 
Hey, man. Check out this article that ran in the L.A. Times recently. Read it from beginning to end and you'll find you're not alone in your feelings and questions. Here's the first few paragraphs:

A son spins a song of reunion
By Matt Lait, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer
March 20, 2008

APACHE JUNCTION, ARIZ. -- The raffle was over, the drinks were flowing and the gray-haired crowd at VFW Post 9399 was in a mood to party when David Serby approached the stage.

A lanky South Pasadena singer-songwriter, Serby had been asked to sit in with the aging house band and play a few of his own honky-tonk numbers.

In the last few years, the 43-year-old troubadour had gone from playing open mike nights at local coffeehouses to kicking off a country music festival in the Coachella Valley last spring featuring such stars as Lucinda Williams, Emmylou Harris and Willie Nelson. So it wasn't the venue that drew him to this dingy hall 40 miles outside of Phoenix.

It was the man with the bad back, weak heart and bass guitar in his hands, who Serby had recently learned was his biological father. In the audience sat his biological mother, as well as an aunt, an uncle and a few other relatives that for more than 40 years Serby never knew existed.
 
a few years ago i met a sister i never knew i had. a secret my mom kept from me my whole life. her name is amy. my mom gave her up for adoption and went on with her life -her daughter. she grew up and hired an detective to do what you did, ask all these un answered questions. as i spent a little time with her i felt like i was gonna finally have a family member who would be there for me and care enough to call.
i dont know why but she hasn't tried to contact me or my mom since and has changed her number and moved.

i think about this every now and again. it makes me sad.
 
I haven't seen my father since I was 6. I know where he is and what he's doing. He's an artist, and my husband bought me one of his paintings a few years ago. He actually wrote a thank you note on the check - having no idea it was going to me. People have told me to contact him. Every time I think about it, I feel like I'm still 6 - and he's the adult, so he should be the one making the effort. I've often wondered what it would be like to talk to him. I wonder if I'd just be pissed I waited so long to do it. Or pissed that he was okay with leaving it like it was.

I hope it goes good for you. You're braver than me.
 
Don't worry about what he did or didn't do or wanted or didn't want. You don't know what his motives were for leaving or why he didn't try to contact you.

Ask him whatever you want. He isn't your father, he is just a guy who has some information you need. So, ask him whatever you want to ask, he can only answer or not answer.
 
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Reactions: mrc
Well congrats on your 1st step :thumbup

I was adopted at a very early age and always thought of my parents as my parents. I've never had a big urge to meet my birth parents but I would like to know some medical history as I get older. (anyone know how to do that? I haven't really tried yet)

Best of luck.
 
my dad bailed when I was 8, my brothers dad stepped in though... then last year(24) i got a hold of him and went to mendocino to meet up with him. we went for a ride... hes got an 89 hawk gt cherry as hell w/ all the tasteful mods... as soon as we got to highway 1 I got to find out where I got my need for speed from! it was super awkward, but I got alot out of it. I forgave him a long time ago by understanding that some people make weird decisions and have to live with them... they are just people like me, and ive made some huge mistakes in life personally... my bio dad is such a flake though, that I havent seen him since that time last year( damn mendo hippy) as for all the questions... if you develop some kind of a relationship w/ him .. youll be able to ask them later. and quite possibly, by the time that happens, you may have answered the questions yourself through observation.
 
I think it's worth it to ask whatever you want to know. He might not have the answers you want to hear, but if you never ask...
 
littlebeast said:
I haven't seen my father since I was 6. I know where he is and what he's doing. He's an artist, and my husband bought me one of his paintings a few years ago. He actually wrote a thank you note on the check - having no idea it was going to me. People have told me to contact him. Every time I think about it, I feel like I'm still 6 - and he's the adult, so he should be the one making the effort. I've often wondered what it would be like to talk to him. I wonder if I'd just be pissed I waited so long to do it. Or pissed that he was okay with leaving it like it was.

I hope it goes good for you. You're braver than me.
Click to expand...

You pretty much mirror how I feel about not seeing my father too. I always had a step-father who was there for me, so I didn't feel that I was missing anything. But from time to time I'd think about it, but it would just make me sad. My number is in the phone book, I'm not hiding. The impulse to make first contact just isn't strong enough at this point in my life.
 
superNAtural01 said:
I wanted to ask hin why he left, and more importantly, why he didn't get ahold of me. But I couldn't get it out. The conversation was short and weird. I hope we can talk again, and hopefully open up more. I still need things answered and I'm not going to give up.

Should have I even tried? He never did. Should I keep making an effort? He never has. Lookin for some opinions. Thanks
Click to expand...

I cannot possibly imagine what you are going through, but my suggestion to you is to let the real important stuff wait. Get used to each other as human beings, first.

He probably had as many questions as you did, and felt the same way you did about not being able to get them out. Don't rush.
 
I found my biological dad after 26 years.....................

... found out I had 7 half siblings throughout the country.

He faded back into the woodwork once I actually met him and had some closure to my past.

No relationship. I have no respect for a man who proliferates children and doesn't take care of them.:x
 
I'd just concentrate on giving love to the people that raised you. Since they are your real parents.
 
that is some deep stuff you're going through man and even though i have not experienced this it brought up some feelings for me as well. i say you are courageous for taking that first step and making an effort. i'm sure there is just a whirlwind of emotion and questions going on. i'd say do some soul searching during some quite time up on the side of a mountain somewhere and figure out where you want to go from here. just don't have any expectations and there will be no let downs.

personally i am involved with 2 step children and their father, 1 child from a previous relation and their mother, and the child my wife and i had 1 year ago. i could tell you that there is some major emotional conflicts going on and at times i have questioned myself, my marriage, others and where this life of ours is going. i have also thought that it would be alot better if i just exited. i'm not giving excuse for your dad leaving, just know that there is sometimes too much pain or emotional drain on everyone to stay.
 
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