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What Are You Thinking Of Right Now?

I had an epic disturbing nachtmare last night / this morning, ugh. It is frightening that such disgustingly violent scenes and actions occupy the sleeping mind.
 
I am happy with who and what I am for the most part. If I love you, I love you without end, and you will know it. If not - it's either meh, or fuck off into the dustbin. You don't exist. C'est la vie, which is la vie that i have chosen and am comfortable with. Frenglish FTW.
 
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Coe park. I met Pete Coe Verbica
Cool guy. Local family heritage
 
am thinking about a couple of dudes. both come off as total assholes. they like it that way. then things went sideways, and who comes charging in to save the day? yeah, assholes my ass. more like hearts of solid fucking gold. 💕
 
I'm thinking that some days, I feel like an idiot for complaining about anything.

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It's ok to like being myself for being the asshole, and not like being the asshole at the same time. That my comments can be both assholic and genuine and be taken both ways by different people. That I understand being the asshole is who I am, but that I'm not happy with who I am is ok. That saying things differently might be less assholic, but then it wouldn't be me and that truth is ok.

The cycle is circular and that doesn't seem ok, but it's also ok.
 
i_am_the_koi said:
It's ok to like being myself for being the asshole, and not like being the asshole at the same time. That my comments can be both assholic and genuine and be taken both ways by different people. That I understand being the asshole is who I am, but that I'm not happy with who I am is ok. That saying things differently might be less assholic, but then it wouldn't be me and that truth is ok.

The cycle is circular and that doesn't seem ok, but it's also ok.
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Solid. We're finally THERE. Be the guy above with no apologies. It's the pinnacle of liberation. You're generous, funny as F, and good to hang with. No reason to apologize cause someone doesn't know how to read you. We're both kinda assholes....just ask anyone here. And yet, generous. Most people on BARF are the same. One thing we are the same, as well; we're too old to change much. Soften, sure...but actual change? Not happening. Enjoy who you are as an outsider looking in. Continue making the jokes and smart ass lines to yourself inside. I know that's happening inside you too...we recognize other smart asses quickly and man, they're the most entertaining. Be the entertainer.

Your friends will still be there, they just suck for poor relational skills. Predictable. We suck cause we don't always read the room correctly and say the thing everyone else was afraid to vocalize. Predictable. Ooops. Forgotten 10 minutes later. Similar thing said again. Ooops. Forgotten 11 minutes later this time...rinse/ repeat.
 
Holeshot said:
Solid. We're finally THERE. Be the guy above with no apologies. It's the pinnacle of liberation. You're generous, funny as F, and good to hang with. No reason to apologize cause someone doesn't know how to read you. We're both kinda assholes....just ask anyone here. And yet, generous. Most people on BARF are the same. One thing we are the same, as well; we're too old to change much. Soften, sure...but actual change? Not happening. Enjoy who you are as an outsider looking in. Continue making the jokes and smart ass lines to yourself inside. I know that's happening inside you too...we recognize other smart asses quickly and man, they're the most entertaining. Be the entertainer.

Your friends will still be there, they just suck for poor relational skills. Predictable. We suck cause we don't always read the room correctly and say the thing everyone else was afraid to vocalize. Predictable. Ooops. Forgotten 10 minutes later. Similar thing said again. Ooops. Forgotten 11 minutes later this time...rinse/ repeat.
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Except that entire comment was just me being a smart ass about the circlekirk that was my therapy session.

We ended with a survey which was funny because my honest answer was that it was more performative than informative. That the circle we went around is the circle I've been going around internally for over a year now.

I understand that to fill them in, they need to know the story. So it wasn't a waste of time, but it wasn't helpful other than to talk about it outloud. I've already been up since 3am thinking about this, and thinking about another business opportunity that I'm trying to figure out how to take advantage of.

We talked about you actually at one point, so feel special, it was a good example to give the therapist about what I'm struggling with.
 
Nothing better than being used as an example in therapy. Holeshot, you should be so lucky LOL.

Koi,

I wanted to more or less say what Holeshot said. But I don't verbalize shit as well so it would have come across as "Sack up dickhole". That said, you and I are very similar in our assholery. I've long been considered an asshole and I hate it. The edgy part, sure, it's awesome. But a lot of people don't get it. I am in a new role at work now (it's been a year and a half so it isn't that new). I am a supervisor and while many of my counterparts think I am an asshole, my team fucking loves me because I stand up for them. I use my assholery to push back when they are being asked to perform unnecessary or ridiculous tasks. I am transparent (also a part of my assholery), and I don't buy into the corporate BS. I am trhe supervisor they trust because they know, despite my "edginess or assholery or whatever you call it", I am honest, fair, and have their back. This has changed how I view my assholery and I really have toned it down in a natural way. I let more things go. I lash out less. Even here on BARF, I have toned down my argumentative nature.

So keep being you man. Just continue to self reflect. I disagree with Thumper. We all change. Change is constant.
 
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