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What to do when your spouse won’t get a job?

///M3lissa

///M3lissa

///M Biatch!
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Location
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I have a situation in my life that I need some advice on and to be frank, its really weighing heavily on me.

My husband has been a stay at home Dad for quite a few years. 2.5 years ago we moved and shortly after, mutually agreed that it was time for him to return to the workforce.

Having no real career prior to be a stay at home Dad he seemed to lack any real direction on what to do. A job as a fully commissioned roofing salesman landed in his lap, so to speak. He knows next to nothing about sales or roofing. After a few months, he seemed to give up, though verbally professed his commitment to it for another 6 months (though earning little in the form of income). He would leave the house for 3 to 5 hours each day but nothing seemed to come of it. Later he admitted he wasn’t really trying.

Roughly 6 months ago we had a major breakdown in our relationship. After many days of heartfelt discussion and he claimed he was a changed man and would recommit to getting a job. He did a great job on his resume and spent a lot of time networking. He kept up a good pace for several months, but once again, effort seems to be tapering off slowly. He’s been on a few interviews (3 or 4) in 6 months, but no job offers.

We’ve talked about the impending need for additional income and lowering his standards to take any job he can find … however he seems inclined to just wait things out until the job he wants in sales comes along. I’ve tried to get him to agree that if on a certain date he doesn’t have the type of sales job he wants we’ll move to plan B, which is any job he can find, however I can’t seem to get him to commit to that.

He’s spending ~ 2 hours a day on a job search. He does most of the cooking around the house, runs errands (makes 3 trips in what could have efficiently been planned and completed in one trip) and shuttles the youngest back and forth to school. He does no house cleaning or yard work. I pay all the bills, work full time, attend college part time, do most of the laundry and a little bit of the cooking.

Having him around the house all the time while I am working (home office) is driving me insane, however at the same time, I understand this is a terrible time to be looking for a job. I can’t help feel some resentment towards him and wonder if he’s not really trying as hard as he can to get a job because he’s relied on me so long to provide for him?

What would you do if you were in this situation with your spouse?
 
Sounds like you're the Sugar Momma. If he wants a sales job where he can make some quick cash, tell him to go sign up to be a door to door Kirby Vaccum salesman. I did it for a while and it's a job for those with no real career experience. Tough job, but do get a lot of exercise walking all day. I can put him in touch with the #1 sales office in San Jose, but there are offices all over. They'll hire anyone, even ex cons.
 
tell him to make his own damn sammich from now on....:x

srsly tho, yes, time is tough to get a job but its no excuse....he can get 2 part time or even 3...or work at night while looking for a 'career job' during the day...

a little of something is better than nothing...

i see more wimmenz working, going to school, and still managing the house where as i see deadbeats whine and complain but don't get off their asses...

he has no excuse, imo...
 
954Rider said:
Sounds like you're the Sugar Momma. If he wants a sales job where he can make some quick cash, tell him to go sign up to be a door to door Kirby Vaccum salesman. I did it for a while and it's a job for those with no real career experience. Tough job, but do get a lot of exercise walking all day. I can put him in touch with the #1 sales office in San Jose, but there are offices all over. They'll hire anyone, even ex cons.
Click to expand...

Yes, Sugar Momma. Its time for him to pull his weight. Actually, it was time for him 2 years ago. I let this go on far too long.

The problem is, if I tell him to go "sell Kirby vacuums" I will be bullying him into doing something he doesn't want to do. It doesn't make for a very healthy power balance in the relationship (me ordering him to do things). I've suggested several times in the last couple months that he still has an opportunity to sell roofs. Its pretty much the same situation as vacuums (door to door sales, little experience required). He's shown little interest in my suggestion :(
 
No real excuse to not have a job these days, sure the economy isn't exactly stellar, but at the exact same time there are people out there who are willing to hire those who in turn are willing to put in the extra effort.

Sure it sucks to get "You're over qualified" or "We're looking for someone else who specializes in this field" along with all the variations of the two aforementioned quotes. Though you have to put in the time and effort, eventually things will change.

As for myself, I've had all sorts of jobs from ground pounding to cubicle farmer, it's about marketing yourself and your skill sets. Plus a little luck and a few good friends doesn't hurt your chances.

Your man has to get out there so he can square his shit away.

Though in turn, I must admit I've never been in any real long term committed relationship. So while I can empathize, I'm not sure if my emotions and mindset would be compatible with your given situation.

But I still say he has to get his shit in check, become efficient and forget about waiting for the perfect opportunity to fall into his lap, cause it won't. It'll go to the fucker whose got his nose on the ground searching for it, not some dude sitting at home twiddling his thumbs.
 
You need;
The serenity to accept the things you cannot change,
The courage to change the things you can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference


If you are determined to give it one more try, I would suggest following the directions for a "win win agreement"...to the LETTER


Here's one recipe for the "win win" you can google others;

http://www.sethbarnes.com/?filename=how-to-write-a-winwin-agreement


One of the best tools I've found for managing the agendas of two people whether in business, missions, or marriage, is the win-win agreement. And the best explanation I've seen of it comes from Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Too many people give in to the agendas of another party in order to avoid conflict. They agree to lose so the other person can win. It's a win-lose agreement. It doesn't have to be that way. I encourage my subordinates and partners to dive into the details in order to ensure good partnership. I teach them to use this model in which you cover five different areas and get to an agreement where both parties win. Here's Covey's explanation of how it works:

First, specify desired results. Discuss what results you expect. Be specific about the quantity and quality. Set budget and schedule. Commit people to getting the results, but then let them determine accomplishment of your objectives. These objectives essentially represent the overlap between the organizational strategy, goals, and job design, and the personal values, goals, needs, and capabilities. The concept of win-win suggests that managers and employees clarify expectations and mutually commit themselves to getting desired results.

Second, set some guidelines. Communicate whatever principles, policies, and procedures are considered essential to getting desired results. Mention as few procedures as possible to allow as much freedom and flexibility as possible. Organizational policy and procedure manuals should be brief, focusing primarily on the principles behind the policy and procedures. Then, as the circumstances change, people are not frozen - they can still function, using their own initiative and good judgment and doing what's necessary to get desired results within the value framework of the company.

Guidelines should also identify no-no's or failure paths that experience has identified as inimical to accomplishing organizational goals or maintaining organizational values. Many a management-by-objective program goes down in flames because these failure paths or no-no's are not clearly identified.

People are given the feeling that they have almost unlimited flexibility and freedom to do whatever is necessary to accomplish agreed-upon results and end up reinventing the wheel, encountering certain organizational sacred cows, upsetting apple carts, getting blown out of the saddle, and becoming increasingly gunshy about ever exercising initiative again.

When identifying the no-no's or sacred cows, also identify what level of initiative a person has regarding different responsibilities: is the person to wait until told, or ask whenever he has a question, or study it out and then make a recommendation, or do it and report immediately, or do it and report and report routinely? In this way expectations are clarified and limits set.

In some areas of responsibility, the initiative level would simply be to wait until told, while in other areas, higher levels could be exercised, including, "Use your own good judgment and do what you think is appropriate; let us know routinely what you're doing and what the results are."

Third, identify available resources. Identify the various financial, human, technical, and organizational resources available to employees to assist them in getting desired results. Mention the structural and systemic arrangements and processes. Such systems might include information, communication, and training. You may want to identify yourself or other people as resources and indicate how these human resources could be used. You may want to set some limits on access or merely share your experience and let the person decide how to benefit most from it.

Fourth, define accountability. Holding people accountable for results puts teeth into the win-win agreement. If there is no accountability, people gradually lose their sense of responsibility and start blaming circumstances or other people for poor performance. But when people participate in setting the exact standard of acceptable performance, they feel a deep sense of responsibility to get desired results.

Results can be evaluated in three ways: measurement, observation, and discernment. Specify how you will evaluate performance. Also, specify when and how progress reports are to be made and accountability sessions held. When the trust level is high, people will be much tougher on themselves than an outside evaluator or manager would ever dare be. Also, when trust is high, discernment is often more accurate than so-called objective measurement. That's because people know in their hearts much more than the measurement system can reveal about their performance.

Fifth, determine the consequences. Reach an understanding of what follows when the desired results are achieved or not achieved. Positive consequences might include financial and psychic rewards, such as recognition, appreciation, advancement, new assignment, training, flexible schedule, leave of absence, enlarged scope of responsibilities, perks, or promotion. Negative consequences might range from reprimand to retraining to termination.
 
Someone has to be in charge of the relationship unless you're both remarkably well adapted to each other in terms of drive, intelligence and vision for your future. It seems like you're either lacking a shared vision for where the relationship and your individual futures are headed, or you have a similar vision, but he is waiting for the perfect job to make it happen. The important thing is to get him focused on the vision and accept that the perfect job will not fall in right away, but will eventually. Just my :2cents.

I don't think the job is the real issue, I think the vision for his life is the issue. He doesn't have a clear idea where he wants to go or who he wants to be that he's passionate about or believes he can achieve, so he flounders and is unproductive.
 
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Are you hot? wanna switch?

Im about to break up with a chick who's constantly mad at me that I work two jobs, dont have enogh time for her every call and dont take her out to $100 dinners every night and therefor dont show her that i care.
 
theAmazingKickstand said:
Are you hot? wanna switch?

Im about to break up with a chick who's constantly mad at me that I work two jobs, dont have enogh time for her every call and dont take her out to $100 dinners every night and therefor dont show her that i care.
Click to expand...

Hmmm.. tempting :angel
 
I have learned that you cannot supply motivation to another...the drive to improve, to move, comes from within.

Sounds like Homie is satisfied hanging out at home, maybe he is not really interested in anything more. Question is, do you want to keep hanging out with someone who has no inspiration to better themselves? Watching someone waste their life on computer solitaire is pretty maddening, jess sayin'.
 
theAmazingKickstand said:
Are you hot? wanna switch?

Im about to break up with a chick who's constantly mad at me that I work two jobs, dont have enogh time for her every call and dont take her out to $100 dinners every night and therefor dont show her that i care.
Click to expand...

Once you switch to OP how about you send that chick my way? I like $100 dinners, I have no budget when it comes to food. As long as she's hot that is. :)
 
You can only do this for so long until fatigue and resentment take over, and it looks like you have reached your limit. I hope you find an answer. I don't have any advice for you, but good luck. :(
 
When someone gets in your space and dirtys it up it's time for one of 3 things to happen.

Tell them these are the choices

1... Get it together and clean up your act/job in the next 3 weeks

Or

2... It's time for you to leave

Or

3... It's time for me to leave


Just lay it out there just like that and then be hard to talk to for 48 hours

(i.e. take a ride to friends/family place for a couple days while he gets set to do the next right thing)
 
Went through this cycle for many more tries and years than I'd like to admit to. Your view may differ, but for me the larger issue was the dishonesty - her unemployment didn't bother me nearly as much as the repeated broken promises. So either stop the cycle where he promises things he has no enduring intention to do (e.g. accept that he isn't going to get/keep a job), or divorce him.
 
Gotta say, I feel sorry for the guy. It's easy for us to sit here and call him lazy, but life really sucks when the only jobs you can find are the ones you hate. I consider myself damned lucky that I can make a living doing what I enjoy. If I couldn't I might be like him.

To the OP -- be practical. Weigh the pros and cons, make your decision. Know that nobody's perfect. Good luck.
 
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