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Budman's on going joke fest

One day, a man shows up at the stadium to watch the Superbowl, bearing his tickets. He quickly found his seat at a good spot and sat down in anticipation of the big game.

However, just as the playoffs began, another man rushed forward and took the empty seat right next to him. As he did so, he asked the first man if the seat was taken. He replied:

“No. The seat is empty.”

After settling into the empty seat, the second man could not believe his luck, as he managed to snag one of the best seats around despite purchasing his tickets late.

“That’s incredible,” he voiced. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl and not use it?”

The first man gave the intruder a long stare before finally admitting the empty seat actually belonged to him. He explained further:

“I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

Understanding the man’s sorrow, the stranger could not help but sympathize with him, offering some words of comfort. After a while, he turned to the man again and asked curiously:

“Your loss is terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbor – to take the seat?”

The first man shook his head, before replying:

“No. They are all at the funeral!”
 
I heard a terrible statistic about marriage, 44% of them end in divorce.

It's seems such a tragedy, but then I started thinking it wasn't so bad when you consider the other 56% of them end in death.
 
What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?

The prostitute think, "I wish he'd hurry up."

The mistress thinks, "I wish he'd slow down."

The wife thinks, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling.....beige."
 
What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?

The prostitute think, "I wish he'd hurry up."

The mistress thinks, "I wish he'd slow down."

The wife thinks, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling.....beige."

:rofl:rofl

NOT if she's on TOP! :teeth
 
A woman asked a general "how long has it been since you've made love to a woman"?. The general replied "not since 1950". The woman said to the general "that's a really long time, why don't you come home with me and we'll fix that". The went to the woman's house and made passionate love for an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said " you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1950". The general replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2230".
 
What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?

The prostitute think, "I wish he'd hurry up."

The mistress thinks, "I wish he'd slow down."

The wife thinks, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling.....beige."

Nice. :laughing

A woman asked a general "how long has it been since you've made love to a woman"?. The general replied "not since 1950". The woman said to the general "that's a really long time, why don't you come home with me and we'll fix that". The went to the woman's house and made passionate love for an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said " you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1950". The general replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2230".

Atta a boy General. :laughing
 
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
 
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
 
I challenged death to a pillow fight but was not prepared to face the reaper cushions
 
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?


He worked it out with a pencil.
 
Two old friends were outside in the garden in the nursing home, a man and woman. She said, do you miss sex and he said I would be happy if someone would just hold it and she said oh I have no problem doing that.

I’ll hold it but only for five minutes and I won’t budge a muscle. So he thought about it and said yeah, that would be great so they sat on the bench and he pulled it out and she held it for exactly 5 minutes and then she said thank you got up and walked away.
Well, the next morning she saw him in the garden. He was with a different woman doing the same thing, and she said are you cheating on me? He said well she has Parkinson’s.
 
Last edited:
May not be PC.


Women never apologize. They just come to bed naked and you have to decide if you are still mad.
 
Trump has a massive heart attack and of course, ends up in hell. Lucifer is greeting him and explains that there are only 3 presidential suites in hell and they are all occupied. Lucifer offers him one of the suites but he will have to replace the occupier. Trump opens the first door and inside is Obama jumping in a pool, climbing out to the pool and jumping back in, over and over. Trump says no thanks, that would mess up my hair. Trump opens the door to the second suite and it is occupied by Bush who is running around a track, lap after lap. Trumps says no thanks, that will be bad for my shins. He opens the third door and there is Clinton, tied spread eagle on a bed with Monica between his legs, doing what Monica does best. Trump says I can do that. Lucifer says, OK, Monica, you can go now.
 
I forgot what forum I was in and got excited when I read the first few words :facepalm
 
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