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What Are You Thinking Of Right Now?

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It has to be me.

It's not about being worthless or bad, it's about me not being the person I want to be and not understanding the person I am and why it's different.

What makes me the person that people don't want to be around or make an effort for? Why is it that the only time I see people is when I go to them or where they're going to be?

Even my oldest "friend" who live 10 minutes or less away and have visited me, once since I bought a house. Are they my friend? Were they ever?

I made trips to birthday parties for his kids, super bowl parties, surgeries, deaths and just general fuckshit.

He hasn't met my kids.

Suddenly he remembered I take photos and suddenly wants to reconnect since his daughter needs senior pics. BITCH, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU KNOCKED UP YOUR GF TO HAVE HER!!!

Ok, sure, let's do lunch first and reconnect and we can talk about it.

Third blowoff today.

But it's not you, you say?

If it walks like a duck nobody likes and talks like a duck nobody likes, when is it the duck and not the nobodies?


Wife asked me to contact some old acquaintances to watch the kids for us and I kind of refused. Haven't seen them in years at this point, not since I lost the job so the distillery and stopped being a discount booze hookup. Before that was the winery, discount booze hookup and before that, where we met, at a different booze establishment.

Now that I'm not a source of booze I'm of no use. Unless I reach out, I don't hear from them. They live 15 minutes away. I've invited them to the park when I take the kids close by. Sowwey chawwie.




It has to be me.

It can't just be that every "friend" I've ever made is always busy, or doesn't have the spoons to reach out to me ever, and I do mean ever...

It has to be me.
 
Yes and, I struggle with why I've fostered these relationships in life that are one way.

Why I have people around me get invited to events that I don't.

Why I have to feel like I force myself into people's lives and through their doors, otherwise I'll never see them.

Right now is the start of my off season so, most of my social contact is also over until March or April.

All these people who are my friends at work and would probably answer if I reached out, but I won't hear from until March or April.

Why?

What is it about me that people don't want to stay in touch with until they need photos or just happen to see me at a gig?

What's hard for me to break down is that I've always been happy with myself until recently.

I have very few regrets. I have very few what ifs that I stew about.

But recently I was called cancerous to a group and it got me thinking as to why.

As I looked at it deeper, I realized that the person I've been happy being, the edgy teenager, is just an asshole of an adult and nobody likes that asshole.

It's not that I don't deserve it, it's that I'm not the person that people want to be around. That I make this bed and lay in it, but it's no longer a comfort like it used to be.

I realized I have to force myself into people's lives, friendly or not.

Barf for example.

I'm ranting about my thoughts to Internet folks who may or may not still ride motorcycles. Who I may or may not know in real life.

Would some of them answer if I called right now? Fosho. Would I answer for most of them that would call me? Absolutely.





It has to be me.
 
I’m thinking losing one of the coolest physicians to ever be involved in caring for me is bittersweet. I’m happy for her retirement and sorry to lose her.
 
I'm thinking the heathen god of a dj put this on as I started to really reflect. And it helped.

It doesn't, it'll be stuck in my head and I'll absolutely hear it everywhere from now on. I'll quote it and hum it. I'll use it as a mantra until something better comes along for the moment and the feeling. It's replacing flagpole sittah which is good.

And it gave me a minute to dissociate and stop spiraling.

It let me look at my kids and apologize for asking them to leave me alone for a minute.

 
i_am_the_koi said:
Yes and, I struggle with why I've fostered these relationships in life that are one way.

Why I have people around me get invited to events that I don't.

Why I have to feel like I force myself into people's lives and through their doors, otherwise I'll never see them.

Right now is the start of my off season so, most of my social contact is also over until March or April.

All these people who are my friends at work and would probably answer if I reached out, but I won't hear from until March or April.

Why?

What is it about me that people don't want to stay in touch with until they need photos or just happen to see me at a gig?

What's hard for me to break down is that I've always been happy with myself until recently.

I have very few regrets. I have very few what ifs that I stew about.

But recently I was called cancerous to a group and it got me thinking as to why.

As I looked at it deeper, I realized that the person I've been happy being, the edgy teenager, is just an asshole of an adult and nobody likes that asshole.

It's not that I don't deserve it, it's that I'm not the person that people want to be around. That I make this bed and lay in it, but it's no longer a comfort like it used to be.

I realized I have to force myself into people's lives, friendly or not.

Barf for example.

I'm ranting about my thoughts to Internet folks who may or may not still ride motorcycles. Who I may or may not know in real life.

Would some of them answer if I called right now? Fosho. Would I answer for most of them that would call me? Absolutely.





It has to be me.
Click to expand...
i suspect you may have a somewhat amplified perception of how often friends and colleagues stay in touch. sure, some do, but there’s probably a larger percentage that don’t. most of those i care about fall into the second category, including me. most of the people i see regularly are volunteers who work the same projects and events that i do. others? i think about them often, but our paths rarely cross.
 
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@i_am_the_koi I am thinking what you wrote reflects my former colleague’s reality. He’s been a SAHD for five years now. His friend group has shrunk. It’s a sad reality.
 
littlebeast said:
i suspect you may have a somewhat amplified perception of how often friends and colleagues stay in touch. sure, some do, but there’s probably a larger percentage that don’t. most of those i care about fall into the second category, including me. most of the people i see regularly are volunteers who work the same projects and events that i do. others? i think about them often, but our paths rarely cross.
Click to expand...


Part of my struggle has been reclassifying my "friends" into appropriate groups.

I've got a ton of amazing acquaintances. People I only see when there's a reason for us to be together. But not the kind of people that actually make an effort to see me, talk to me, or care about me when I'm not present or of use.

I've worked with some amazing colleagues. People I only see when there's a gig or work related reason. We may talk about work stuff outside of gigs but if it's not related, there's no reason to contact each other or see each other.

Friends, people who make the effort to include me in their life because they value my friendship? People who care enough about me to make an effort to their own detriment? People who reach out just to chat, or tell a joke, or talk about anything really? That list is very small.

The expectation of a colleague or an acquaintance is much lower than a friend. So, accepting I have very few friends means I don't get as upset when the others don't fulfill their end of the relationship.
 
I think I often stand strongly alone with the understanding there is a safety net around me. I have gone 10 years without communication with certain friends, yet I know if any of us picks up a phone it will be like yesterday with no time lapse.
I think Koi may have more of those folks in his life without realizing it.
 
two wheel tramp said:
@i_am_the_koi I am thinking what you wrote reflects my former colleague’s reality. He’s been a SAHD for five years now. His friend group has shrunk. It’s a sad reality.
Click to expand...

It's incredibly difficult to come to terms with how small your village is, until you actually are in the trenches.

The common feeling is once they go to schools and sports and stuff you'll make new friends with common interest and a reason to meet up, being the kids...

But, that also means accepting the old friends are not part of your village any longer. That you're basically starting over. And that if you don't, your kids will learn the hermit life from you.

ThumperX said:
I think I often stand strongly alone with the understanding there is a safety net around me. I have gone 10 years without communication with certain friends, yet I know if any of us picks up a phone it will be like yesterday with no time lapse.
I think Koi may have more of those folks in his life without realizing it.
Click to expand...

True. Recently reconnected with an old 'friend' and it was like no time had passed since we last had been together.

And then I left, and I spiraled because I was internally making bets with myself to when I would hear from that person again. Would it be me that reached out to them or would they make the effort? Finding out that they had been in my town multiple times with days to kill, and hadn't reached out, doesn't give me hope that they would.


I'm thinking there might be light at the end of the tunnel, but it's still really dark inside and the steps are very long and uncertain.


I'm thinking it's me.

It has to be.
 
If you want your channel to be successful, there should be no hair showing outside of the string, which I've marked in green.

You need to properly prepare yourself for the noming!

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Now, it's OK with me if waxing is uncomfortable. I'm OK with shaving because after a bit, the stubble can make things a bit more exciting. :rose
 
It's the collaborations that are the real money makers.


And the creamed corn...
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i_am_the_koi said:
And then I left, and I spiraled because I was internally making bets with myself to when I would hear from that person again. Would it be me that reached out to them or would they make the effort? Finding out that they had been in my town multiple times with days to kill, and hadn't reached out, doesn't give me hope that they would.
Click to expand...
Me: “Doc, it hurts when I do this.”

Doc: “Don’t do that.”

I think you may be in circumstances where you are starved for interactions and they are comparatively overwhelmed. It may not be that they don’t care, but there aren’t enough hours in the day. If they seem glad to see you when you get together, trust that and try not to induce meaning into their behavior when they don’t reach out.
 
tzrider said:
Me: “Doc, it hurts when I do this.”

Doc: “Don’t do that.”

I think you may be in circumstances where you are starved for interactions and they are comparatively overwhelmed. It may not be that they don’t care, but there aren’t enough hours in the day. If they seem glad to see you when you get together, trust that and try not to induce meaning into their behavior when they don’t reach out.
Click to expand...


Cool,

And every 'friend' I've got, every single one is overwhelmed to where they can't make any effort? That's what I don't understand.

I'm not saying I'm much better, but part of that is because I feel like I have to carry the load of the relationship and that's not fair to me, so I don't. But if I'm driving 3 hours and going to be in their area, I let them know in cafe they're free.

But, every single 'friend' I've made can't carry a conversation let alone make any actual effort to include me in their life? To check on me as a new dad or a SAHD? To send me a random meme or song?

It has to be me.

I either attract spoonless people, or I'm not worth what spoons people have left, but it has to be me.
 
i_am_the_koi said:
Cool,

And every 'friend' I've got, every single one is overwhelmed to where they can't make any effort? That's what I don't understand.

I'm not saying I'm much better, but part of that is because I feel like I have to carry the load of the relationship and that's not fair to me, so I don't. But if I'm driving 3 hours and going to be in their area, I let them know in cafe they're free.

But, every single 'friend' I've made can't carry a conversation let alone make any actual effort to include me in their life? To check on me as a new dad or a SAHD? To send me a random meme or song?

It has to be me.

I either attract spoonless people, or I'm not worth what spoons people have left, but it has to be me.
Click to expand...
okay - here’s a thought… you have a very interesting cadence. have you thought about writing? writing could be an exploration of that. maybe start with short stories. develop characters and put them in situations you’d like to see them in. explore ‘their’ feelings and reactions as a reflection of what you’d like them to be if you made their choices. develop the situation, but focus on the dialog. the back and forth dialog. words are powerful expressions of thoughts. considering your photography background, you obviously have a creative side. i think you’d be quite good at it.
 
It has to be me is what your saying?

These same friends invite others I know but not me... Is that because I never said when we started our friendship that i expect to be invited to things? Is it because even though I showed up to previous events, I didn't say I wanted be invited back?

These same friends that reach out to other people I know on the regular, but never reach out to me, is it because I didn't lay out the groundwork of expecting weekly to monthly check ins? They are capable, they use their phones, but because I didn't get them to agree in writing to communicate with me, they don't?

It has to be me.

I think that's there's something about me that breeds and fosters the kind of relationship that is one way. Something about my friendship contract that isn't clear about what I need vs what I offer.

It has to be me.
 
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