• There has been a recent cluster of spammers accessing BARFer accounts and posting spam. To safeguard your account, please consider changing your password. It would be even better to take the additional step of enabling 2 Factor Authentication (2FA) on your BARF account. Read more here.

Budman's on going joke fest

USMC Confidence

.

A Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"



No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The Marine says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”
 

Attachments

  • image.jpg
    image.jpg
    44.3 KB · Views: 321
budman said:
.

A Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"



No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The Marine says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”
Click to expand...

That's :rofl funny :thumbup
 
Finally, the truth.......................



Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.


The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,

"Sack my cook."

And truly that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
 
The Perfect Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Perfect Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Perfect Husband Store.
 
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.






















The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
budman said:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.












The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Click to expand...

Lmfao
 
Amazing Story!

Do elephants have a good memory???

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

















This is for everyone who sends those heart-warming bullshit stories.:twofinger
 
A guy and a girl meet at a bar……

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"


The girl replies:....






"I Didn't feel a thing."
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed...

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble
Gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling..

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the Teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....
 
Quickie Wife one liners for your entertainment:

• The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

• I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

• After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!

• I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

• The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

• My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
 
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre...so he gives it to her.
 
A 911 dispatcher gets a call one day, the guy sounds panicked.

'Sir, can you tell me the nature of the emergency?'

'My buddy and I were out hunting, and he just grabbed his chest and fell over! I think he's dead!'

'Sir, please just calm down. First, I need you to make sure he's dead.'

'Ok, hang on' says the guy.

She hears a shot, and the guy gets back on the line. 'Ok, now what?'
 
Many years ago, a shepherd would take his flock out into the high hills to graze for months on end, with no-one for company but him, his dog, and his pet sheep Polly. Every night they sit around the fire together, staring into the flames. One night, he's staring into the fire when he feels an urge. As he casually puts his arm around Polly, his dog jumps up and bares its teeth. He gets the message and moves away.

The very next day, a small plane crashes into the hillside above camp. The sole survivor is a young woman, badly injured and unable to travel. He tirelessly nurses her back to health, and gradually she gets stronger, walking further each day and joining the group around the fire each night.

One night, as she drowses against his shoulder, the fire warming them, he starts to feel an urge again. He carefully puts an arm around her, leans over, and whispers "can you take the dog for a walk?"
 
:thumbup


the Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 
:thumbup for the last 3. :laughing
 
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to
know your grandchildren.


Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it is safe to come home.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top