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Budman's on going joke fest

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus.

Also...

I lost my job as a bus driver...
 
An Oldie:

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
 
Two old friends, Jack and John decided to go on a ski trip. They loaded up the car and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house to myself, but I'm recently widowed".She explained " I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you in".

"Don't worry" John said. " We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light".

The lady agreed, the 2 men slept in the barn and left at first light. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about 9 months later, John got a letter from an attorney and it took him some time to figure it out. He determined it was from the attorney of the widow they met during their skiing trip.

He dropped in on his friend Jack.

John: Jack, do you remember that good looking widow that we met on that skiing weekend?

Jack: Yes I do.

John: Be honest with me Jack, did you pay her a visit at the middle of the night?

Jack( looks a bit embarrassed now) : Yes John, I did.

John: Now tell me this Jack, did you give her my name and address instead of yours?

Jack( his face now beet red with embarrassment) : I'm sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?

John: She just died and left me everything.
 
A traveller was wandering through a city bazaar.

He approached a man who was sitting in the shade of a camel and asked: "Excuse me sir, could you tell me what time it is?"

The man looked up at him warily, then turned, gently grabbed the camels testicles, carefully shifting and assessing them.

"1:15 in the afternoon."

The visitor was stunned, thanked the man and left.

10 minutes later he returned, approached the man, and asked him again the time.

Again, the man turned to and started manipulating and studying the camels testicles. A few seconds later he replied: "It's 1:25."

The visitor checked earlier and knew the man was right.

Shocked and stymied he pulled out his wallet and told the man "Here, I will give you $100 if you'll tell me how you do that."

The man took the $100 dollar bill, asked the visitor to squat by him. He then reached up, moved the camels testicles to the side and said: "There, see that clock?"
 
:laughing

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable”.

"That's correct. Try this one”, said the boss.

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results”.

"Correct. I am impressed. Try this one please”.

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive”, calmly said the drunk.


The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and - if I don't get the job - I'll name the father”.
 
Blonde men jokes - FINALLY . Had to happen sooner or later..

A blonde man is in the bathroom, and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, “Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine.”

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND." He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart."
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No! " he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?”
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the man replied: “Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!”
 
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask you a favor ?

'Of course child, What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought for my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

"With your face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next Please......."
 
It's funny because you can so relate to it, eh bud? :rofl:laughing:rofl :twofinger
 
Of course. Catholic school boy. :laughing

Fucker. :laughing
 
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile. The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do?"

He said, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.










"Well, I’m in the gun shop next door to that!”
 
:laughing

Accidental selfie at the Chicago concert at Paul Mason on Sunday night. Totally dug the pic with the Barf logo....The blue concert lights and fog over head.
 
Texas is so self aware they gave themselves one star.
 
budman said:
:laughing

Accidental selfie at the Chicago concert at Paul Mason on Sunday night. Totally dug the pic with the Barf logo....The blue concert lights and fog over head.
Click to expand...

Old band, old venue, old man, rocks. The really old venue really rully rocked..
 
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