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Budman's on going joke fest

I told my friend that I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta

I cut my finger shredding cheese, but I have grater problems

I dreamed I was swimming in a sea of orange soda, but it was just a Fanta sea

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now

Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing

My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

My dad got a new grill and it's too tall for him, I was worried he might injure himself using it. The steaks are pretty high

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

I once had a dog with no legs, I named him Cigarette. Every day I would take him for a drag.

One bird can't make a pun. But toucan.

Why did the budgie have to go to the store to get seed? Because he couldn't millet himself!

Did you know that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals? It's all due to their stable environment.

What do you call an annoyed farmer? Aggravated

A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan.
 
Mom said alcohol is your enemy.

Jesus said love your enemy.

Case closed.
 
During a hockey match, little Johnny sits in the front row.

His friend asks: “How did you get tickets?“

From my brother – responds little Johnny

And where is your brother?

At home, looking for his ticket.
 
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A man hadn’t been feeling well, so he went to his doctor for a complete check-up.

Afterward, the doctor came out with the results.

“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor said, “you’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”

“Oh, that’s terrible!” said the man. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” the doctor said sadly. “Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”

The doctor interrupted, “Nine…”,
 
Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein gets re-incarnated and finds himself out at a party one night. As he starts to mingle he runs into Budman, "Albert Einstein, aren't you that really smart guy from the past?" He says "yes, as a matter of fact I am my IQ was almost 200, if you don't me asking Budman whats yours?" Budman says "Oh mines pretty up there as well. I think its around 150?" Albert says "Wow that's great Budman. After I'm done introducing myself to everyone I'd love to come back and talk nuclear physics and science with you!!. Then Albert meets Micheal Ernest. "Albert Einstein!! Wow aren't you that really smart guy from the past?" "Yes Micheal, my IQ was almost 200. If you don't mind me asking what's yours?" "Oh mines pretty high too. I think around 125?" "Wow that's fantastic Micheal. After I'm finished introducing myself to everyone I'd love to come back and talk history and current events with you".
Then Albert sees Aron (Local6Sparky) sitting down at the end of the bar drinking a Budweiser......
"Albert Einstein. Aren't you that really smart guy from the past?" "Yes I am. My IQ was almost 200. If you don't mind me asking Aron what is yours?" "I don't know? 50 I think?" "Okay. Not bad Aron. After I'm finished introducing myself to everyone I would love to come back and talk to you about what it's like to be a Raiders fan".:ride
 
First one of the year, linkies to some other site don't count! :x

What did I win for being numero uno? Hmmm, maybe a "test" ride up Hammy in somebody's 914?!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said,
"Excuse me. But aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there, replied God. "Hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
 
Warning:I just got ripped off from EBay.

I bought a penis enlarger for $95 and in the box was only a magnifying glass with instructions saying- Don’t use outside in the sun.
 
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At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse.

“I keep telling them it’s for you.”
 
Marriage bliss

When my teenage son worked part-time in a hardware store, a man came in to buy 3 hooks for hanging plants.

But there were only two hooks left in the gold colour that he needed.

My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, “Could you maybe use the silver or the white instead?”

The customer looked him up and down and said, “You’re not married, are you?”
 
:cool
 

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