• There has been a recent cluster of spammers accessing BARFer accounts and posting spam. To safeguard your account, please consider changing your password. It would be even better to take the additional step of enabling 2 Factor Authentication (2FA) on your BARF account. Read more here.

Budman's on going joke fest

First one of the year, linkies to some other site don't count! :x

What did I win for being numero uno? Hmmm, maybe a "test" ride up Hammy in somebody's 914?!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said,
"Excuse me. But aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there, replied God. "Hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
 
Warning:I just got ripped off from EBay.

I bought a penis enlarger for $95 and in the box was only a magnifying glass with instructions saying- Don’t use outside in the sun.
 
Last edited:
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse.

“I keep telling them it’s for you.”
 
Marriage bliss

When my teenage son worked part-time in a hardware store, a man came in to buy 3 hooks for hanging plants.

But there were only two hooks left in the gold colour that he needed.

My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, “Could you maybe use the silver or the white instead?”

The customer looked him up and down and said, “You’re not married, are you?”
 
:cool
 

Attachments

  • chuck.jpg
    chuck.jpg
    61.5 KB · Views: 246
One day, a man shows up at the stadium to watch the Superbowl, bearing his tickets. He quickly found his seat at a good spot and sat down in anticipation of the big game.

However, just as the playoffs began, another man rushed forward and took the empty seat right next to him. As he did so, he asked the first man if the seat was taken. He replied:

“No. The seat is empty.”

After settling into the empty seat, the second man could not believe his luck, as he managed to snag one of the best seats around despite purchasing his tickets late.

“That’s incredible,” he voiced. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl and not use it?”

The first man gave the intruder a long stare before finally admitting the empty seat actually belonged to him. He explained further:

“I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

Understanding the man’s sorrow, the stranger could not help but sympathize with him, offering some words of comfort. After a while, he turned to the man again and asked curiously:

“Your loss is terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbor – to take the seat?”

The first man shook his head, before replying:

“No. They are all at the funeral!”
 
I heard a terrible statistic about marriage, 44% of them end in divorce.

It's seems such a tragedy, but then I started thinking it wasn't so bad when you consider the other 56% of them end in death.
 
What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?

The prostitute think, "I wish he'd hurry up."

The mistress thinks, "I wish he'd slow down."

The wife thinks, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling.....beige."
 
LouA said:
What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?

The prostitute think, "I wish he'd hurry up."

The mistress thinks, "I wish he'd slow down."

The wife thinks, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling.....beige."
Click to expand...

:rofl:rofl

NOT if she's on TOP! :teeth
 
A woman asked a general "how long has it been since you've made love to a woman"?. The general replied "not since 1950". The woman said to the general "that's a really long time, why don't you come home with me and we'll fix that". The went to the woman's house and made passionate love for an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said " you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1950". The general replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2230".
 
LouA said:
What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?

The prostitute think, "I wish he'd hurry up."

The mistress thinks, "I wish he'd slow down."

The wife thinks, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling.....beige."
Click to expand...

Nice. :laughing

dravnx said:
A woman asked a general "how long has it been since you've made love to a woman"?. The general replied "not since 1950". The woman said to the general "that's a really long time, why don't you come home with me and we'll fix that". The went to the woman's house and made passionate love for an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said " you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1950". The general replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2230".
Click to expand...

Atta a boy General. :laughing
 
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
 
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
 
I challenged death to a pillow fight but was not prepared to face the reaper cushions
 
Two old friends were outside in the garden in the nursing home, a man and woman. She said, do you miss sex and he said I would be happy if someone would just hold it and she said oh I have no problem doing that.

I’ll hold it but only for five minutes and I won’t budge a muscle. So he thought about it and said yeah, that would be great so they sat on the bench and he pulled it out and she held it for exactly 5 minutes and then she said thank you got up and walked away.
Well, the next morning she saw him in the garden. He was with a different woman doing the same thing, and she said are you cheating on me? He said well she has Parkinson’s.
 
Last edited:
May not be PC.


Women never apologize. They just come to bed naked and you have to decide if you are still mad.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top