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Budman's on going joke fest

bcv_west said:
A 911 dispatcher gets a call one day, the guy sounds panicked.

'Sir, can you tell me the nature of the emergency?'

'My buddy and I were out hunting, and he just grabbed his chest and fell over! I think he's dead!'

'Sir, please just calm down. First, I need you to make sure he's dead.'

'Ok, hang on' says the guy.

She hears a shot, and the guy gets back on the line. 'Ok, now what?'
Click to expand...
:rofl :rofl
 
Women watch the Bachelor and men watch porn, both end in holding a box of Kleenex.
 
Teacher: "Complete the sentence, if my cup is only half full..."

Wise Johnny quickly says: "May be you need a smaller bra"

:rofl:rofl:rofl
 
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
 
Doctor: "I'm afraid I have bad news, and I have worse news. Which would you like first?"

Patient: "What's the worst news?"

Dr: "You have cancer. I've consulted with my colleagues, and we think you have 6 months max."

Patient: "Oh My God! What was the bad news?"

Dr: "You have advanced Alzheimer's. I'm not even sure how you're still functioning as you are."

Patient: "That's terrible! But hey, at least I don't have cancer."
 
Old lady Hibbard goes to the new young doctor in town for her annual check-up. They get to the end, and he says "Well, Mrs Hibbard, you seem to be doing well for a woman of your age. Any other problems you'd like to tell me about?"

"Well...there is one other small thing" she says. "For the past 6 months, I have constant flatulence, everywhere I go - home, church, the A&P, everywhere. I've actually had several since I came in here. Thankfully it has no sound or smell, or it would be terribly embarrassing, but it's uncomfortable. Can you help?"

"I'll see what we can do," says the doctor. "Take these pills and come back in a week."

Not 4 days later, she storms back into the office, past the receptionist, and into his office. "I don't know what they teach you young people in medical school, but you've made it worse! I still have constant flatulence, but now it's like a trumpet! I can't leave the house!"

"Excellent!" says the doctor. "Now that we've fixed your hearing, let's work on your sense of smell!"
 
Blond jokes... for the ladies!

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde male neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday.
 
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."







Dad thought for a moment and said "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
 
:laughing at this page, some good ones here. :thumbup
 
Tis the season

I never knew what nationality Santa was until now.






I just found out that he is actually North Polish.
 
Nice Polish joke.. :laughing

Did you know?:
On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, where as a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year.


















This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese. :teeth
 
True Friendship Among Golfing Buddies -

This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
 
A Marine and a Navy Corpsman are in the men's room at the urinals taking a whiz. After finishing up at the same time the Navy Corpsman walks to the sink and the Marine starts to leave. The Navy Corpsman says "in the Navy we were taught to wash our hands after urinating". The Marine looks back and says "in the Marines they taught us to not piss on our hands"
 
And this is why you don't shake hands with a Marine. Basic lack of personal hygiene. And they're proud of it. :barf
 
"i wash my hands beofre i touch my dick":thumbup Don King
 
I was thinking of inventing a belt made of watches but then figured out it was was a...


waist of time

:rofl

if you used watches to make a head band...


would you be ahead of time?
 
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I went to a zoo, it only had one animal and it was a dog.


































It was a Shitzu
 
If you murdered someone in a rice field with a porcelain doll......





Would that be a knick knack paddy whack?
 
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