Dear Kitchen Sink (relationship advice)

[Marlowe]

You just can't say that for sure though. She may just as likely be saying "Look I really want things to get better between us or I have options." It could be we're done, it could be a cry for help. People do things for all sorts of different reasons, and often times when people have feelings outside of a relationship they're missing what they once had with that person, and what they want most is for things to get better.

Great, now you're negotiating with terrorists.

Protip:

She didn't let things go that far with this other dude because OP was capable of meeting her needs after 14 years.

 

[Daredevil]

You just can't say that for sure though. She may just as likely be saying "Look I really want things to get better between us or I have options." It could be we're done, it could be a cry for help. People do things for all sorts of different reasons, and often times when people have feelings outside of a relationship they're missing what they once had with that person, and what they want most is for things to get better.

i'm sorry, but i couldn't be ok with the fact my SO *MIGHT be interested in someone else, and she doesn't know if she wants me. that's not a significant other... ya... ok ill stick around for that. oi

 

[RRR70]

Let her go. She'll come back. Don't take her back. You'll be better off.

 

[Bassem]

Let her go. She'll come back. Don't take her back. You'll be better off.

Sad but true

 

[jt2]

A lot of women are like monkeys... they don't let go of the first branch until they've grabbed onto the next. She's probably been boning him for a while now, sorry to say. There's likely very little chance of fixing it; srsly, staying where you are will only drag it out longer. If she's had the gumption to admit it, it's been done for a while. You don't need a hag like that. Just an anchor around your neck.

Harsh, but absolutely true. Fact is, she was probably looking for a plan B for a while, even if subconsciously. I think women are hardwired more for that tendency than men.

She's already made her decision. Bail now.

 

[rodr]

Great, now you're negotiating with terrorists.

Protip:

She didn't let things go that far with this other dude because OP was capable of meeting her needs after 14 years.

Yep.

OP, you did the right thing not getting married. All this going out to "events" with her other friends over the years says she's been uncommitted for a long time. She's not fighting for the relationship and neither should you.

Next.

 

[mike23w]

you get pretty decent relationship advice in the sink; mainly because you get a wide range of opinions and you can pick and choose what to use.

here's my 1.13 inflation adjusted cents.

you're both mature in that you talked it over and explained how you feel instead of yelling, screaming and pulling her hair in your spiderman underoos. this is a pretty positive sign.

it's clear what she wants:
she's not sure if she wants to stay. she's going to try out some new cock to see if she can make a stronger emotional attachment with the new guy.
this reassessment of the relationship appears to be triggered by your "rough patch". things are tough and she wants to bail. that's normal.

that's fine. let her roam - you can't really stop her.
she'll a) do it --with-- you knowing, b) cheat behind your back or c) not cheat, but constantly wonder if she should've broke it off.

having said that you need to know what you want. outside of sex, do you enjoy having her around? do you laugh? can you talk about anything? are you comfortable with her? in other words, do you consider her a good friend. if you want a long term relationship, being a good friend is where it starts. if she is, then tell her you want her to stay, but can see she's questioning things and that you understand she wants to try out the new 12" man cock™. tell her you hate she's looking elsewhere, but you won't stop her because she needs to find her answers and decide for herself.

you should probably trust her. she's telling you all this difficult shit when she could've just lied. she shouldn't be punished for having feelings and being honest about them.

the trick is that you can't control her. you should let it play out and give her room. she may fuck another guy. if she leaves, she leaves, if she comes back, then you have control and can decide if you take her back.

if you break it off before she fucks the guy, it's not a great decision in my opinion. she'll leave without having done anything. i don't believe you should punish people for having bad ideas, otherwise we'd all be criminals.

edit: one other thing, you should figure out why she's so unhappy and see if you're --both-- willing to make changes for the better. cheating is a symptom of her being unsatisfied in the relationship. figure out why.

 

[auntiebling]

Let her go.

give away the cat.

and sell all the shit she leaves behind

"Now, she says she needs time to figure out whether she wants to stay with me or start dating him. "

Make the decision for her and say adios. If you don't you will be literally at her mercy for as long as you stay together and your self esteem will go right down the shitter. Fuck that, find someone that wants to be with you. And take the cat.

her mind is already made up she just wants to have her cake and eat it too. OP is the sure thing, till the new thing becomes the sure thing

OP i bet if you're in the same place for new years eve it's uncomfortable. she's a partier, you're not. two paths diverged in the woods.... or something like that.

-1.

At the point she's "thinking about trying this out," she's gone. That's woman for "I'm done with you, I just can't manage to tell you that yet."

amen

 

[sv2007]

...Sorry for the long post, but thanks for taking the time to read it.

tl;dr - Been in relationship 13 years. Me - introvert, her - extrovert. Found out recently one of her male friends told her he had feelings for her, and now she says she has feelings for him. She wants time to figure it out. Should I simply end things, or give her time to sort out her feelings?

Hey man, I didn't read your long post, but I think your last paragraph gave a good summary.

I can offer you an advise that you will be happy with (if not now, but in the future)...

If you truely believe she is the one for you, then you must be persistent and change yourself to be more suitable to her likings.

Otherwise, you should move on and find another person.

 

[Ant]

Hey man, I didn't read your long post, but I think your last paragraph gave a good summary.

I can offer you an advise that you will be happy with (if not now, but in the future)...

If you truely believe she is the one for you, then you must be persistent and change yourself to be more suitable to her likings.
QUOTE]



Not big on self esteem?

 

[Zerox]

Long time sink lurker here.

Yours is a painful first post, hang in there man.

I vote for the clean break. No arguing, just sorry we couldn't make it work, then on to new adventures for you....the world will be your oyster.

 

[Wormwood]

Yours is a painful first post, hang in there man.

I vote for the clean break. No arguing, just sorry we couldn't make it work, then on to new adventures for you....the world will be your oyster.

Truly sounds as if the deal is done. I hesitated but it is in the writting.

There may be some hope with seperation and consideration of a 14 year relationship.

 

[planegray]

"Now, she says she needs time to figure out whether she wants to stay with me or start dating him. "

Make the decision for her and say adios. If you don't you will be literally at her mercy for as long as you stay together and your self esteem will go right down the shitter. Fuck that, find someone that wants to be with you. And take the cat.

+1

well said


Mike23w also has some great perspective and advice.... but not everyone would be capable of following it

 

[sv2007]

Hey man, I didn't read your long post, but I think your last paragraph gave a good summary.

I can offer you an advise that you will be happy with (if not now, but in the future)...

If you truely believe she is the one for you, then you must be persistent and change yourself to be more suitable to her likings.
QUOTE]



Not big on self esteem?

If you really want the girl and she's not into you the way you currently are, then you need to change. Well, you can always kidnap her, but that wouldn't be my style.

 

[mean dad]

ditch the bitch, come chase younger tail with me.

 

[aminalmutha]

If you really want the girl and she's not into you the way you currently are, then you need to change. Well, you can always kidnap her, but that wouldn't be my style.

If you're changing who you are in order to be with someone, you're doing it wrong. Obviously every relationship has compromises, but changing who you are is wrong, unless you suck or something.

 

[Sharky]

This. If she still keeps fucking you over over in the end you'll know you were even more of a chump.

Fixed.

Get out

 

[tzrider]

you should probably trust her. she's telling you all this difficult shit when she could've just lied. she shouldn't be punished for having feelings and being honest about them.

This point might get lost in all the knee jerk reactions, so I'm quoting Mike, as I think this matters a lot.

Do you believe she has not yet acted on her feelings? Is it in character for her to use you as a sounding board for things that come up in life? If so, you may be able to take at face value that she is being up front in the very first stages of trying to figure out if she has feelings for him.

New relationships have that flutter about them that can make them seem to eclipse what you've had for 14 years. Maybe you can help her take that into account, but she will be the one to decide which means more to her.

Only you know how much you can abide letting her figure this out and whether you trust her in the future. If she has been up front at the outset, instead of giving you a delayed feed (for example, she's been screwing him for weeks), maybe you can get past it and come out stronger. If you're uncertain whether she is being truthful now, that will probably be in the background from now on.

 

[MikeyRocks]

If you're changing who you are in order to be with someone, you're doing it wrong. Obviously every relationship has compromises, but changing who you are is wrong, unless you suck or something.

This. There's a difference between putting in effort in the relationship to keep it alive, and changing who you are in hopes that she'll keep you. If she doesn't appreciate you for who you are, she doesn't deserve you. It may sound a bit cliche, but stay true to yourself.

 

[stan23]

Let her go and move on. As guys, we're definitely more marketable as we get older.

/is it time to guess who this is?