Dear Kitchen Sink (relationship advice)

[old_n_slow]

Thanks for all the comments. They've really given me something to think about.

The cat adopted us a few years ago, and it's more my girlfriend's cat than mine. I would love to keep it, but I don't think that would be fair to her. It's bizarre for me to feel as much affection for the cat, since I never cared for them in the past and I'm a dog-person at heart.

I honestly thought my girlfriend and I would be together forever. I feel like she's one of my best friends and she thinks of me in the same way (or at least she used too). We're very comfortable around each other, can talk about anything and everything, and can make each other laugh. I'm quite confident nothing has happened between the two of them, as my girlfriend and I have always been honest with each other. She's told her male friend she needed time to think things through, and that's where we are now. I know some of you think I'm being naive, but I'm certain she's being honest about this. It was very hard for her to tell me this, and she feels terrible about it. We've always been very honest in this relationship (sometimes painfully so), and that's one of the things I really like about it.

If this had happened purely based on our interactions, I would see what the root cause of the problem is, and then see if it's something we could resolve in a way that makes both of us happy. I'm certainly willing to compromise on some things, and have in the past (and she has too). I also know that I don't plan on changing who I fundamentally am, as I'm happy with the person I am. The problem is I can't gauge whether this is one of those short term "grass is greener" things, or if it's something deeper. My rational instincts tell me to go for a clean break. I'm sure it'll be quite painful, but I'm a resilient person and will move on. I do know that once things are over, there will definitely be no going back even if she realized her feelings for me are more important. I know lots of people could take someone back (especially if it's just a moment of doubt), but I can't.

I would like to reiterate once again how much I appreciate the feedback. I do plan to think about this for a bit, and don't intend to make a rash decision.

 

[Wormwood]

 

[Entoptic]

Oh by the way don't think this is just gonna clear up after a conversation. This will require a lot of work from the both of you.

Look at this picture and see what I am talking about. That iceberg looks small if you were standing on it.

 

[mean dad]

Now that's just creepy.

U jelly?

 

[MikeyRocks]

U jelly?

This post + your avatar =

 

[Wormwood]

U jelly?

I was gonna give it POD status but that would be TM infringement.

 

[sliverstorm]

At least she's being (somewhat) straight with you. Better to hear it from her than find out yourself.

The fact that she's taking this guy seriously says to me "move on". He's playing dirty (laying low until your relationship is in a rough patch) and she's falling for it. You can't fight a guy who plays like that if your girl is the type to fall for that stuff, aka a Fair-Weather Girl.

She started "hanging out" with male friends and eventually decided I was the cheater and went nutter butter on me.

Folks who cheat always seem to be much more afraid someone else is doing the same thing to them. Don't know why.

change yourself to be more suitable to her likings.

Ahh, Hollywood myths

You can change little things, but you can't just become a New Man. You are who you are.

Let her go and move on. As guys, we're definitely more marketable as we get older.

+1

What she told you was just the tip of the iceberg

Also +1

 

[jt2]

Or you could be this guy

...or perhaps he's a guy who knows his SO is reading this thread.

 

[Marlowe]

Uhh, it *DID* happen based on your interactions.

She doesn't find interacting with you after 14 years as stimulating as the new guy.

She's not getting her needs met, after this long, if she's feeling that way, you're very likely done. And she absolutely does "feel terrible," which probably means that while she's telling the truth she's concealing the extent of her feelings for this guy.

And keep the cat anyway. It's perfectly 'fair' -- in a 'fair' world she wouldn't have put you in this bullshit position, she'd either sack up and end it, or tell him to foff. She's trying to play both sides here, and that's not very fair to you.

 

[Wormwood]

Keep the Cat and kick her to the curb is the Barf consensus.





ya might wanna think on it a spell. we are an angry lot.

 

[954Rider]

Yo, listen up. She's already fucking him. She won't say it, but guarantee you she is. If she can say that she may have feelings for another guy that means she's fucking him. A woman is not going to say that unless she has fucked him. And even if she's not, you've already lost her, and there's no turning back. If you haven't had some kind of arrangement to stay together forever already after 14 years, something like marriage, then something will eventually end it. Either you or her. And it looks like she's taking charge. Maybe she does still care for you, but why would you want a woman that has fucked someone else behind your back? Can you live with that? If you can, then you'll just be proving to her you're a chump and a pushover, and that's a turn off to women anyways. I say, fuck her one last time, do her all kinds of nasty, ram it down her ass like you're King Kong, then slap her ass and tell her to get the fuck out baby, it was good while it lasted. She'll be so turned on by your sudden confidence that she'll want more of you. Then you can end shit on your terms. That's how a real man ends relationships.

 

[rodr]

I say, fuck her one last time, do her all kinds of nasty, ram it down her ass like you're King Kong, then slap her ass and tell her to get the fuck out baby, it was good while it lasted. She'll be so turned on by your sudden confidence that she'll want more of you. Then you can end shit on your terms. That's how a real man ends relationships.

Ooooh, that should draw some Barfette comments.

 

[wannabe]

The funny thing is that, on the whole, the Sink is actually a great place to get relationship advice. You have to filter through a few inappropriate responses, but I've found that starting a relationship thread in the sink is a good way to slap yourself with some reality by getting an outside and unfiltered perspective.

 

[MtnRacer]

14 years and she's being completely honest with you, what more can you ask for?

Jesus people, unless he has concrete evidence that she cheated on him, what did she do to deserve anything other than respect for her feelings and a careful assessment of the relationship? They're both adults and sound like they're handling it in an adult way. People grow apart sometimes, that's life and it's natural. I know I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago and sometimes it takes a while to figure out that your priorities have changed.

OP, the best advise has already been said, and that's to take this time to do a personal evaluation of this relationship and see if it matches what YOU want. If it does, then talk with her. It sounds like you guys have good communication, which is how a relationship lasts 14 years in the first place. If it doesn't, then the answer is simple, if not a hard pill to swallow. Best wishes either way.

Steve

 

[old_n_slow]

This point might get lost in all the knee jerk reactions, so I'm quoting Mike, as I think this matters a lot.

Do you believe she has not yet acted on her feelings? Is it in character for her to use you as a sounding board for things that come up in life? If so, you may be able to take at face value that she is being up front in the very first stages of trying to figure out if she has feelings for him.

New relationships have that flutter about them that can make them seem to eclipse what you've had for 14 years. Maybe you can help her take that into account, but she will be the one to decide which means more to her.

Only you know how much you can abide letting her figure this out and whether you trust her in the future. If she has been up front at the outset, instead of giving you a delayed feed (for example, she's been screwing him for weeks), maybe you can get past it and come out stronger. If you're uncertain whether she is being truthful now, that will probably be in the background from now on.

I trust her, and believe what she's told me about her feelings and what's progressed. My bigger problem is she can't seem to decide whether she's having these feelings because of our current low point, or whether it's because she's unhappy with our general relationship. I'm probably being a little unreasonable here, but the fact that an outside party triggered this is what makes me question how she really feels about things. I know I wouldn't let my relationship with her be determined by an outside party and I'm trying to understand her point of view.

That's the thing, there's two sides of every story. Clearly we're all rootin for the guy because we feel he's getting the shit end of the stick. But for all we know, his actions may have driven her away. Maybe he hasn't been contributing shit to the relationship for the last 14 years and has been leeching off of her and been unemployed for the last 10 years sitting on the couch eating Cheetos.

Op, why don't you invite your wife here to Barf so we can hear her side... Or at least post a picture so we know what we're dealing with.

We both work, and contribute towards the relationship. I make a bit more money and tend to pay a few more bills. She tends to do more things around the house (and I greatly value that), while I do the yard work. Overall, I think we have a pretty balanced relationship. The rough patch is probably mostly my fault. I've been quite busy at work recently, and also got a little tired of going out late at night all the time, so I've been participating in fewer of these events recently. However, I have been to recent events where she specifically said she wanted me to go.

Keep the Cat and kick her to the curb is the Barf consensus.

ya might wanna think on it a spell. we are an angry lot.

I like to treat people the way I would like to be treated. If that makes me a sucker, so be it. I used to be a much more vengeful, bitter person (in my late teens/early 20's) and I realized I didn't like who I was. Life's short, and I like being able to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and be happy with the person looking back at me. I realize most of the Sink is filled with dudes who make millions a year, can charm Jennifer Aniston, beat up Chuck Norris, and could lap Rossi . I can't do those things, but I'm okay with it.

 

[stan23]

I trust her, and believe what she's told me about her feelings and what's progressed. My bigger problem is she can't seem to decide whether she's having these feelings because of our current low point, or whether it's because she's unhappy with our general relationship. I'm probably being a little unreasonable here, but the fact that an outside party triggered this is what makes me question how she really feels about things. I know I wouldn't let my relationship with her be determined by an outside party and I'm trying to understand her point of view.



We both work, and contribute towards the relationship. I make a bit more money and tend to pay a few more bills. She tends to do more things around the house (and I greatly value that), while I do the yard work. Overall, I think we have a pretty balanced relationship. The rough patch is probably mostly my fault. I've been quite busy at work recently, and also got a little tired of going out late at night all the time, so I've been participating in fewer of these events recently. However, I have been to recent events where she specifically said she wanted me to go.



I like to treat people the way I would like to be treated. If that makes me a sucker, so be it. I used to be a much more vengeful, bitter person (in my late teens/early 20's) and I realized I didn't like who I was. Life's short, and I like being able to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and be happy with the person looking back at me. I realize most of the Sink is filled with dudes who make millions a year, can charm Jennifer Aniston, beat up Chuck Norris, and could lap Rossi . I can't do those things, but I'm okay with it.

I'm GREAT at reading between the lines, so please allow me to digest and respond.

My bigger problem is she can't seem to decide whether she's having these feelings because of our current low point, or whether it's because she's unhappy with our general relationship.

This is you blaming the situation for something that isn't there. Meaning, she's not into you, and she is telling you. There is no rhyme or reason.

I wouldn't let my relationship with her be determined by an outside party and I'm trying to understand her point of view.

That's the most difficult pill to swallow, but it's also the truth..

The rough patch is probably mostly my fault.

This is you clinging on to dear life thinking that the problem is you, and that you can 'work it out'

The basic fact is; she wants to spend time with someone else and start a new romantic relationship. There is nothing you can do at this point. She may paint a picture that you're the one in full control of the destiny, but in reality, there is not much you can do--other than just to walk away.

 

[sv2007]

I trust her, and believe what she's told me about her feelings and what's progressed. My bigger problem is she can't seem to decide whether she's having these feelings because of our current low point, or whether it's because she's unhappy with our general relationship. I'm probably being a little unreasonable here, but the fact that an outside party triggered this is what makes me question how she really feels about things. I know I wouldn't let my relationship with her be determined by an outside party and I'm trying to understand her point of view.



We both work, and contribute towards the relationship. I make a bit more money and tend to pay a few more bills. She tends to do more things around the house (and I greatly value that), while I do the yard work. Overall, I think we have a pretty balanced relationship. The rough patch is probably mostly my fault. I've been quite busy at work recently, and also got a little tired of going out late at night all the time, so I've been participating in fewer of these events recently. However, I have been to recent events where she specifically said she wanted me to go.



I like to treat people the way I would like to be treated. If that makes me a sucker, so be it. I used to be a much more vengeful, bitter person (in my late teens/early 20's) and I realized I didn't like who I was. Life's short, and I like being able to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and be happy with the person looking back at me. I realize most of the Sink is filled with dudes who make millions a year, can charm Jennifer Aniston, beat up Chuck Norris, and could lap Rossi . I can't do those things, but I'm okay with it.

How about just telling her what you've told us?

Also, I'm personally against this, but is there a relationship counseling that you guys might go for ?

What is the problem ? Do you guy have fights ? Or just life's too boring ?
If too many fights, what is it that you guys fight about ?
Adopting a cat ? Do you feel lonely ?

How old are you guys ?
If you are really old, then why haven;t you married after 14 yrs ? Something is wrong so look into that.

 

[MikeyRocks]

You sound like a decent guy op, sorry you're in this situation. Kind of a grim reminder that something like this can happen to anyone, regardless of how well you think your relationship is going. I hope you find the strength to get through this.

 

[wazzuFreddo]

Or just laying low until that awesome vengeful opportunity comes.

FTFY.

Even better would be running into exes while you are with your wife.

 

[Cyclesuzy]

Good luck OP and try to keep the lines of communication open. I disagree that she may be sleeping with him ... although what do I know ... but if you believe her go with that.

I hope things work out for you both!