• There has been a recent cluster of spammers accessing BARFer accounts and posting spam. To safeguard your account, please consider changing your password. It would be even better to take the additional step of enabling 2 Factor Authentication (2FA) on your BARF account. Read more here.

What Are You Thinking Of Right Now?

i_am_the_koi said:
Hopefully it's a less fucking judgey of a world today
Click to expand...

The world is always "judgey". So what? At any particular point in time, it's worth looking at what you have (a great wife, kid, job, etc) and what you wish you did have and run the calc; most people value what they have more than what they don't have when the idea of swapping one for the other seems...foreign and unknown. This hold true with friends too; I wouldn't swap my friends for a different set of "friends". Most I've known for decades and take the good and the bad. Siggy's one of my BFF's and he's HORRIBLE at calling back/ keeping touch. But, he's worth it, so I call him. Same for friends from college etc. They're all there for me when needed and wanted. I can't complain...great people with their own lives and families.

Don't get too down about relationships having ebbs and flows. It happens naturally and with your own life changes, there's likely some internal reality adjustments that don't square with your previous freedoms. IMO....and FWIW, every time I see you and we tell off color, horrible jokes, I walk away all the better, still laughing and glad we got some time together. That's the "meat" of friendship, J......!
 
My best friend I’ve known since we were 3 years old. And there have been times we didn’t have any contact for long periods of time. As much as 20 years. Our lives took precedence. But when we did finally get together it was like we’d only last seen each other yesterday.
 
I think we send out 44 or so Christmas cars, a dozen or so to family.

Have not seen many of those folks for years, and many, for decades.

Don't get a return card from most as that is old fashioned I guess.
 
Holeshot said:
Don't get too down about relationships having ebbs and flows. It happens naturally and with your own life changes, there's likely some internal reality adjustments that don't square with your previous freedoms. IMO....and FWIW, every time I see you and we tell off color, horrible jokes, I walk away all the better, still laughing and glad we got some time together. That's the "meat" of friendship, J......!
Click to expand...

The racing/track fam is the hardest one to get and categorize because it's exactly the issue I struggle with and yet it feels the most acceptable.

So many of the people I know, I only know because of the track. How do I call them my friend when our only reason for having a relationship is location based or transactional? If it wasn't for the track, there no reason to communicate. If it wasn't for my photos, there would be no use to some.

But...

The number of track people who have helped me away from the track, given to me and supported me at times because of knowing me at the track is my immediate argument against that thought. It's not consistent, it's not reliable, and it's never the same person.The number of people I've helped and gone out of my way to help because of knowing them at the track is also an actual number.

Then the track goes cold...

The tunnel gets dark...

And the light at the end seems way fucking far away.

They are more than acquaintances, but they're not.

They are more than colleagues, but they're not.

They are my friends, but they're not.


It has to be me.
 
OK, lets say that it 'IS YOU'.
What are you going to do about it?
Change who you are?
Change how you live?
Try and hold your 'friends' accountable?
Do nothing and keep complaining about no friends?
What can I/WE (Barf) do to help you deal with this/get past this?
Seriously.
 
Be here now

Accept that I don't like myself and try to understand why. If I knew why it was me that caused these one way street relationships, I would already be working on the solution but for now, I'm trying to understand the why. Therapy, rants and vents, support groups, and random bay area motorcyclist could all provide answers and insight into that why. Into what needs to change to make me happy with myself. Into what needs to change to make people want to make an effort beyond happenstance.

At the very least, someone else may be struggling and my admitting it may help them admit it too. If they'll talk about it maybe their experience can answer my questions.

The fear of change is deeper than just the effort. It's the fear is losing the known good for an unknown desire. It's like born again Christians or rehab survivors that suddenly are getting divorces and uprooting their family to follow the new light in their life. Once I find the answer to what it is about me, if I change it, will I ruin what good I have? Will changing it guarantee improvement among my existing relationships or guarantee new ones? Is what I want to change what the few people who go above and beyond actually like about me? Will I like the new me?

But, I don't even know what's wrong, and wrong isn't the right word, but what about me clashes with the majority of people I encounter and interact with to a point of friendliness, that it ends as soon as our backs turn. There's been people on this forum who definitely have had opinions about me on both sides. From those who consider me family to those who wish I was dead.

That's life, I don't take it personally. I won't ever take a photo of them again but I don't take it personally that they formed that opinion. I don't expect everyone to be a fan.

What I'm struggling with is the why the relationship contract that these 'friends' sign, needs me to hold them accountable. If it's as much as my fault as theirs, why are none of these 'friends' holding me accountable? Why is my friendship contract different from other 'friends' in the same circle? They check on each other, but it's not until there's a reason to include me that I get included in conversations and it's not to check on but it's out of need.


I'd be scared to search my history for anyone just asking "how are you?"




It has to be me.

Statistically, logically, rationally

It has to be me.
 
I’m thinking that I’m getting old and my body is gradually failing me. I now wear adult “diapers” to keep me dry and this morning I shit the bed. Sigh…….

My only consolation is that it could be worse.
 
i_am_the_koi said:
It has to be me.

Statistically, logically, rationally

It has to be me.
Click to expand...

Then let it be you. End of story. It's you. This only matters to...you. But while you're letting it be "you", it should be the easiest to understand and accept. Or change. But don't change...cause no one ever really does as an adult; they just put spackle and paint to cover things up. They're still the same. We all are, IMO.

I learn this one lesson over and over and over, and it's a "no shit Sherlock" moment when I see it take place in person after person after person. Here's the lesson: EVERYONE you meet today; friends and strangers, is fucked up in some way. Some huge, some small. They're hiding the fucked up parts of themselves...and doing it quite well, cause they know the parts that we don't know, and we're all good chameleons. Time and time again, I work with people that I'm blown away with how good they are X. I suck at X, but them..they just have their foot on the gas and make it all happen. I can't even get 4 cylinders to come alive. This goes on for years and years. Man, I wish I had their traits. Then a crack shows, which widens into a hole which stretched to a chasm. Then the whole thing falls away and you see them for who they are, especially the parts where they're equally fucked up, but in different ways. The hero worship vanishes like Marty McFly in his family picture. You see people for who they truly are: someone like you who's trying to keep it all together and not let the world see the real picture; magicians in opacity they are. They never were as quality as I'd thought...not really close, even. It's solace that we all have things were great at and things we suck at. Live towards the things you great at.

J, our friends are all the same. The large difference is in those who've figured out that perfection is myth and out of 100 traits, we're really only good at 10. Max. If not 5, normally. We suck at 90-95 of them daily. Like a skill tree in a video game, we can only spend out 10 points on a tree of 100 choices. Live towards your best traits, not what traits you think make you more attractive to friends, coworkers, or mates. Live your life so you're happy with what you did today, yesterday, and will do tomorrow. Be unpredictable to yourself; thinking of the friend who didn't call you and getting depressed...screw that; call them then. See how the convo goes. Talk for no more than 10 minutes. Enjoy the whole 10 minutes....etc. and so forth.

Anyone who truly does judge or try to hurt you, remember this phrase and repeat if when you feel sheepish or torn down; "fuck em". Best phrase in existence. Best watch how to deliver the line correctly:


Cheers brah! Nothing beats a new baby. Best gift in human history.
 
Holeshot said:
Then let it be you. End of story. It's you. This only matters to...you.
Click to expand...

True, but, it also matters to me.

It hasn't before. Not for a long time.

A very important person's last words to me were, "as long as you're happy, it doesn't fucking matter". I've lived that truth my entire life I realized. If I hadn't, I would have been depressed as a kid trying to care what other people thought. I was the edgy teenager. It's where I got those off color horrible jokes we've bonded on.

But not I'm not happy. I'm not happy with the bed I've made, the people in my life or the lack of support from my village. So it does matter and I'm trying to figure out why. Why I am the guy who builds these relationships consistently.

But, I also realized it's not fair to me to carry the load. Fuck that. I'm a pretty awesome guy, a killer photographer, evidently an amazing father, a decent husband, and fun to be around. It shouldn't always be on my shoulders to make the call, even for 10 minutes of joy for myself at the expense of their time.


Everyone might be as fucked up as me, but I know most have relationships that go back and forth and aren't just one way. Maybe not everyone, but it's not normal to be a one way street of friendship with everyone.




Holeshot said:
Cheers brah! Nothing beats a new baby. Best gift in human history.
Click to expand...

Twinz Basil... Twinz!
 
i_am_the_koi said:
Everyone might be as fucked up as me, but I know most have relationships that go back and forth and aren't just one way. Maybe not everyone, but it's not normal to be a one way street of friendship with everyone.



Twinz Basil... Twinz!
Click to expand...

Forgot it was Twinning! Great stuff's ahead, the twins are gonna make it so you have no time to call friends!

I've got two quote that fit well here (and I love):

"Get busy living, or get busy dying" - Morgan Freedman , Shawshank.

Great line. In short; be active about what you don't like. If that makes sense...

"Everyone you meet today is fighting an internal battle you know nothing about". Another great, IMO...and one I remind myself of at least every few weeks.

It might just take all the effort with that one friend who you have a great time with, but doesn't reciprocate in the way you expect. At some point they'll come through. I just went through that with a friend who doesn't even know "we" went through it. You know them. My issue was, I felt I was getting used...got feeling low over it then SELF told me: "make up your mind and either accept it as a condition or move on". I really enjoy them as a person and, I do have more than they have (and I'm older), so I decided the trade was worth it.

Equality isn't friendship. Friendship is friendship, unabound. If you can skip the measurements, things seem to fit into place. IMO and IME.
 
Holeshot said:
"Everyone you meet today is fighting an internal battle you know nothing about". Another great, IMO...and one I remind myself of at least every few weeks.
Click to expand...

Named my son after that quoter, quotable, quoted one, quoteee... I only hope my boy brings as much joy to the world as he brought to mine.

He has so far.


Thanks bruv, truly.

I'm struggling. I know it, I know it's silly compared to others issues and that at the end of the day, my job is to keep my kids alive and try to do better than my parents did for me.

That's what drives a lot of this. How can I socialize my kids properly if I can't socialize properly and be a good example? How can I encourage them to make friends if I don't have any around as good examples? If I want them to be outgoing, I can't be an example of a hermit.

How can I help them be better than me, if I don't know why I'm struggling with who I am, and who I am to others.
 
Holeshot said:
Forgot it was Twinning! Great stuff's ahead, the twins are gonna make it so you have no time to call friends!

I've got two quote that fit well here (and I love):

"Get busy living, or get busy dying" - Morgan Freedman , Shawshank.

Great line. In short; be active about what you don't like. If that makes sense...

"Everyone you meet today is fighting an internal battle you know nothing about". Another great, IMO...and one I remind myself of at least every few weeks.

It might just take all the effort with that one friend who you have a great time with, but doesn't reciprocate in the way you expect. At some point they'll come through. I just went through that with a friend who doesn't even know "we" went through it. You know them. My issue was, I felt I was getting used...got feeling low over it then SELF told me: "make up your mind and either accept it as a condition or move on". I really enjoy them as a person and, I do have more than they have (and I'm older), so I decided the trade was worth it.

Equality isn't friendship. Friendship is friendship, unabound. If you can skip the measurements, things seem to fit into place. IMO and IME.
Click to expand...

The simplest gift we can offer is kindness.
Kindness is a form of friendship.

Simple….
PaulR🤪
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top