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A very embarrassing moment in my life this morning..

Paulo666 said:
Worst attack i ever had--Driving down Mission blvd in Hayward in my car and I decide to take out this huge soft peach out of my lunch box and eat it. As soon as I was done I heard this rumbling in my stomach and the pains started. I've always been able to hold it and find a bathroom but this evil thing wanted out now.

Thank goodness a jack in the box was across the street. Flipped a bitch and parked it right in front of the door. Ran in and jumped in the bathroom. I totally ruin that bathroom. I can't imagine the chaos if that door was locked.
It was like the scene in Dumb and Dumber.
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Did you at least buy two tacos for $.99? I always feel bad using a business' restroom if I don't buy something lol.
 
Happened to me one night coming home from a walk with the GF. Made it all the way to the porch, front door, hallway, and pooped my pants as I opened the bathroom door. Fackkkk. I was pissed.
 
afm199 said:
Happened to me one night coming home from a walk with the GF. Made it all the way to the porch, front door, hallway, and pooped my pants as I opened the bathroom door. Fackkkk. I was pissed.
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Did you make the poor people at the home clean it up? :dunno
 
afm199 said:
Happened to me one night coming home from a walk with the GF. Made it all the way to the porch, front door, hallway, and pooped my pants as I opened the bathroom door. Fackkkk. I was pissed.
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How did the diaper hold up?
 
afm199 said:
Happened to me one night coming home from a walk with the GF. Made it all the way to the porch, front door, hallway, and pooped my pants as I opened the bathroom door. Fackkkk. I was pissed.
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Not to mention, impressing the shit out of your girlfriend.
 
I have a much much better 'shit myself' story than yours.

Thanks for being brave and telling the story though; here's a fist bump for a new member of the "Farts don't have lumps club"
 
Kornholio said:
And now there's coffee all over my screen. Thanks, Chad! :rofl
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Okay, I gotta tell this now that I've read everyone elses.

This was back in the summer of 1997, I was fresh out of the Marines by two or three weeks.

I'm wallking with a nice gal who I later married; we were walking to the grocery store together.. I was enjoying my new civillian status; I had been eating EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING.. Every hotdog, ever italian beef every italian sausage every greasy burrito with Chirizo..

Anyways... we're walking to the Dominics in North Rogers Park chatting away having a good time, I tried to be cute and fart; then it hit as we were walking past the Cemetery in North Rogers park..

I sprinted into the cemetery and while I was still running I'm trying to remove my pants.. oH NO OH NO OH NO NOOOOOOOO!! Shit was running down my leg, I'm desprately trying to save my underwear now by attempting to pull them up and over my head?

This was the most explosive dihrreah I've ever had to date. I endeded up shitting all over myself, down both legs, up my crotch both sides.. leaving both my shirt and my underwear between someone's grave. Somehow pulling my undies partially over my head did not help anything but Caryn's laughter. It got louder..

Caryn laughed and laughed and laughed.. She laughed for weeks..

Suffice to say..my stomach is used to bad civillian food now and Caryn, whom I've since divorced; she still laughs wildly about this.
 
The first time I went to a Vietnamese restaurant, I saw the little red peppers, and figured that they were the same as the little red Chinese peppers in Hunan Beef.
So I macked on one just like I would at a Chinese restaurant.

The suffering started with mouth pain that sucked for what seemed like hours.
My stomach was okay, I never felt sick, but the real fun started the next day.

I was sitting on the couch watching some thing on TV, and I thought I was going to fart. Nope.
Tried to squeak one out, broke out in an instantaneous cold sweat, and managed to slam the shutter doors just before I soiled myself.
So I go to the bathroom.

The first wave, I wished to God that I had a seatbelt on the toilet.
I swore that I was generating enough pressure to lift off, and there would soon be a great big hole in the ceiling from my head, that my ass was going to flap around, spraying poo all over my legs, pants, and anything else that got it the way of the jet stream. Fortunately, the internal engines cut out. Or so I thought. . .

This was only the first wave of what would turn out to be the most painful toilet experience of my life. . . the fun had only just begun. . .

That first wave apparently was only designed to clear an intestinal path for the napalm.

The second wave kicked in, singed the hair on my ass, scorched the toilet seat, boiled the water (now filled with pee and poo) in the bowl and created an aroma that only be described as a combination of ass, burnt hair, corpse, skunk, liquefied rotten chicken, more ass, and just a hint of pepper.

Thinking that my bowels had finally emptied, I gingerly wiped, with toilet paper that I can only assume was made out of glass shards and steel wool.

Oh, but that was just a tease, because my intestines were not quite done with me yet.

By the third wave, I was becoming a religious man- for the next few seconds, the only words that came out of my mouth were, "Oh My God," and "Jesus Christ," as the four horsemen of the apocalypse came riding out of the orifice that had formerly been used as the end of the trail for digestion. Frankly, I have no idea how the toilet bowl survived the onslaught.

At some point during this final wave, someone had swapped the steel wool toilet paper for razor blades and concertina wire, which, given the pain I had been in a few seconds before, turned out to be quite a relief, and did a phenomenal job of exfoliating what little skin may have still been attached.

To this day, I still only eat foods "Caucasian Hot."

This episode was embarrassing for two reasons.
First, my uncle who had served in Vietnam, warned me about these little peppers in advance.
Second, a few minutes after I had turned the bathroom into a toxic wasteland, my grandmother walked into the bio-hazard.
It was the only time in my entire life I have heard the woman use profanity.
 
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I had a broken leg that was set and I was sent home for two weeks to see if it would fuse. It never did and the broken bones would knock into themselves every time I moved. The most pain I've been in. I stayed in bed, peeing in a plastic urinal and only getting up to use the bathroom if needed.
I was taking pain meds at twice the prescribed rate and smoking hash in between the pills. Just coughing would make the bones knock and hurt real bad. One side effect of the meds was constipation and I was pretty bottled up.
I ran out of the pills before the two weeks were up and my doctor was on vacation, so I went to the emergency room for more. I told them I was eating them like candy, so they gave me something stronger.
I had a bad reaction to the new meds that sent me hobbling to the bathroom that night. I made it to the pot, and violently erupted from both ends for at least 30 minutes into the pot and a trash can, trying to keep my leg still the whole time.
I felt so sick, I didn't take any more pain meds until they knocked me out at the hospital for the next surgery.
 
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