Burden of caring for elderly parents

[CHUM]

Do you get the Denny's grand slam discount?

no...does that mean? could it be?

WEEEEEEE I am still young (comparatively to a Denny's discount getter)..

thanks Ant - you just put a hop in my skip (not a gay reference ).


Top the OP - you are worrying about something entirely out of your control and in no way can predict the next 3 or 4 decades...

relax...have a beer.

 

[purposeinlife1]

Op. I would worry more about helping your disabled brother. Your other brother seems like he has a good head on his shoulders. He is leaving the situation and going to college to make a better life for himself. If your mother wants to go blow money on stupid crap, then let her. But don't turn your back on your brother. You are really all he has.

 

[purposeinlife1]

Good luck btw. That is a situation I would never want to be in.

 

[Nitewaif]

If you don't start setting limits NOW and learn to say NO you will pay for it down the road emotionally and financially. No disrepect intended but people like your mom tend to suck the life out of people to get what they want. I have an older sister like that, planned for nothing and expected everyone else to pitch in.

I have a sister like this, too. She has always played the "poor me" card and has always used other people to finance her frivolous spending. Even when she had a full-time job, she'd do stupid stuff like blow her whole paycheck on stupid shit at WalMart then do a title-loan on her car and then expect other people to bail her out.

She's pretty so she gets men to feel sorry for her and buy her things, too. It's always been her MO, and I don't know what she'll do once she loses her looks.

You can't change people like that, and there's no point in trying. They won't ever stand on their own two feet until there are no other options.

 

[gnahc79]

if I remember correctly aren't you azn and the 1st born son? if so and your mother has not explicitly said you do not need to take care of her later (like my mom did)...you're screwed. plan accordingly to have her in your house.

When I confront her about it, her argument is "I never had the chance to live my life because I was taking care of the three of you when you were young".

almost missed this....yeah, she expects you to take care of her later. unless you're leaving something out.

 

[planegray]

So what happens to her if she decides to keep living this way and her money runs out? Say she's like in her 80s? Also, my brother.. he's another burden (not his fault), that I will also have to care for.

What happens ?

Consequences happen. Consequences for HER decisions. Self-destructive people are MORE than glad to bring others down with them, on their race to the bottom.

The question is; do you care enough about yourself to detach from someone self-destructing or do you have emotional issues that cause you to remain co-dependant with them ?


Start with the boundries NOW. Let loved one's know that you love them, but can't be around their self-destructive behavior.

I believe the correct folk saying is: "one bad apple spoils the whole barrel"

 

[Blankpage]

It’s a cliché but very true “you can’t help people that can’t help themselves”.

Tough situation, good on you for recognizing what’s up despite poor parenting.

 

[m_asim]

The best thing for her is to hit bottom. Supporting her will only delay the crash. The sooner she hits rock bottom, the sooner sanity will prevail. This is what I have learned from my alcoholic friends.

Tell your mom you love her unconditionally but now you have your own family to worry about and cannot help financially. Don't be mean or aggressive. Just let the facts do the talking.

 

[wazzuFreddo]

when she comes back around with her hand out tell her, "Hey, I'm just trying to live my life."

there is always state assistance.

 

[kevin 714]

So, my mother, who is currently in her 40s, is sort of going down the wrong path financially. She has nothing saved up. She receives child support for my two brothers AND receives government aid because one of my brothers is mentally disabled. She, her boyfriend and my two brothers live in a very small 2-bedroom apartment in a very tough neighborhood. The older brother is about to turn 18 and is going away for college, while the younger (mentally disabled), just turned 14.

So in short, she is making roughly about $1800 per month from both the child support and government aid and another $500 per month from her part-time job. I don't know how much her bf makes. I have been giving money to my brothers to buy clothing and tickets to their prom/promotion dances etc.

Anyways, she has made some pretty stupid decisions given her situation. She just recently bought a new car with a $600 per month payment and she likes to blow her money on materialistic things. Like last week when she bought a new $400 Coach purse, when my brothers are walking around with 2-year old shoes. When I confront her about it, her argument is "I never had the chance to live my life because I was taking care of the three of you when you were young".

Okay, I get it. She wants to live her life, but one day, when she's not able to work, or when the child support and government aid runs out, then what? No retirement or anything. Who will pick up the tab from there? I know I have at least 20 more years until she is unable to work (hopefully) and of course I will take care of her when the time comes, but I can't help but think about the financial and emotional burden of having to sustain her because she never saved anything.

I have a family of my own to take care of. Any advice?

make her deal with the repurcutions of her actions?

that or mind your own business and let a grown ass woman live her own fucking life.

 

[mike23w]

Have you given any thought to sending her on a trip to Belize?

 

[Melissa]

Is there a cultural or familial expectation that your family is your responsibility no matter what the situation?

 

[bikeama]

Your brother in college will be fine if he works hard and gets an education, lead by example for him. Your younger brother needs help long term. You need to talk to an attorney on setting up a special needs trust, and see if his dad will kick in. If you do it wrong any money he gets may cost him is government aid.

As for your Mom, sorry but you can not tell someone else how to live It will just cause you pain.

 

[afm199]

So what happens to her if she decides to keep living this way and her money runs out? Say she's like in her 80s? Also, my brother.. he's another burden (not his fault), that I will also have to care for.

What happens to you if become disabled and have no one to care for you? Is she going to?

She's in her forties. That's fucking young. If she chooses to piss away her life, don't let her take you down with her. Here's a hint. Sounds like she is good at milking the system and others. She'll end up with a shit social security or SSI stipend, probably $1000 a month. What happens to her is up to her. Sounds like she's far enough in your head you think YOU are responsible for her bad choices.

 

[bigt]

I'm a little jaded on this topic because I have no feeling of obligation for my aging parent. I would say life is hard enough trying to live it for yourself, don't try to complicate it by enabling a perfectly capable adult.

 

[russ69]

So what happens to her if she decides to keep living this way and her money runs out? Say she's like in her 80s? Also, my brother.. he's another burden (not his fault), that I will also have to care for.

Cross those bridges when you have to, don't worry about the future. Your Mom is young and she could find a way to support herself if she needed to. Those old broads down at the diner come from somewhere, don't they? She did her job and got you raised and out of the house, that's all she has to do. You are your own man now and you are responsible for yourself. Take care of yourself, that's the only way you'll be able to help other people.

P.S. I take offense to the elderly statement, my Dad is 89, that's getting there.

 

[Abyss]

Your brother in college will be fine if he works hard and gets an education, lead by example for him. Your younger brother needs help long term. You need to talk to an attorney on setting up a special needs trust, and see if his dad will kick in. If you do it wrong any money he gets may cost him is government aid.

As for your Mom, sorry but you can not tell someone else how to live It will just cause you pain.

This is excellent advice.

I know from experience... if they don't wanna change, you can't make them. Fuck it.

 

[Archimedes]

You have two choices. Start setting aside a small amount every month now, to assist her in her retirement or prepare yourself to dish out tough love to her during those years. Either way, don't tell her you are saving for her.

BTW, if she has no assets, she will get some public assistance in her retirement, including subsidized housing. It's not a great life, but she shouldn't have to live on the street if she has worked and eligible for social security.

 

[corndog67]

Is there a cultural or familial expectation that your family is your responsibility no matter what the situation?

I expected something else when I clicked on this thread. Melissa, my mother was Japanese . When she got lung cancer, my brother and I took care of her until the last day of her life. It was not a burden. Also, in Japanese culture, you are expected to take care of elderly parents.

I'd never really thought about it, but I guess many people detest their parents. We didn't.

 

[kevin 714]

I expected something else when I clicked on this thread. Melissa, my mother was Japanese . When she got lung cancer, my brother and I took care of her until the last day of her life. It was not a burden. Also, in Japanese culture, you are expected to take care of elderly parents.

I'd never really thought about it, but I guess many people detest their parents. We didn't.

I wouldn't think twice about caring for my mother. money or no money. she's my mother.


one of the more pressing issues in america is the destruction of the family unit.

edit: I should clarify that I have not a single complaint about my parents, the way I was raised, or the people that they are. None whatsoever. I realize most people cant say that, and a lot of people in fact have issues with their parents.