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Burden of caring for elderly parents

She's a grownup.
Never lend her money.
If you can sometimes afford to gift her a little that's okay. Key word being AFFORD.

It's not easy. For the sake of your marriage and family put your wide and child first. It was her choice to become a parent just as being a parent now is your choice... So focus on that.
 
How in the actual fuck did she get a car so expensive ($600/mo payment) with only $2300 a month income? I'm amazed a lender did that deal.
 
TheRobSJ said:
How in the actual fuck did she get a car so expensive ($600/mo payment) with only $2300 a month income? I'm amazed a lender did that deal.
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I'm sure she persuaded here bf to cosign.
 
btw what's the plan for taking care of the youngest brother? Will he be able to live on his own or will he need to live w/ someone until he's old? That throws a wrench in things a bit.
Whatever you do be sure the mrs is on board 100% or you will get divorced over crap like this. Happens all the time.
 
bikeama said:
Your brother in college will be fine if he works hard and gets an education, lead by example for him. Your younger brother needs help long term. You need to talk to an attorney on setting up a special needs trust, and see if his dad will kick in. If you do it wrong any money he gets may cost him is government aid.

As for your Mom, sorry but you can not tell someone else how to live It will just cause you pain.
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I am assuming the kid is on SSI. Be very careful on who you choose to set up the special needs trust. You don't want him to lose Medical and SSI because it doesn't meet the requirements.
 
Familial loyalty is a large factor in how individuals deal with their elderly parents. I work with a few women who are Iranian and they will work, work, work til they save enough money to bring the rest of their family over here. They are no doubt loving and kind people who will more than likely continue the tradition of caring for family no matter what.

Although maybe the comparison is not appropriate?

I dunno. Personally I lost my family at a fairly young age so along with any loyalty to blood my responsibility to family no longer exists.
 
corndog67 said:
I expected something else when I clicked on this thread. Melissa, my mother was Japanese . When she got lung cancer, my brother and I took care of her until the last day of her life. It was not a burden. Also, in Japanese culture, you are expected to take care of elderly parents.

I'd never really thought about it, but I guess many people detest their parents. We didn't.
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I bet your mom did not live frivolously beyond her means like OP's mom is. I'm sure I could be wrong, but I would also bet that living off the largesse of others and the government isn't as accepted in Japanese culture as it is here.
 
Melissa said:
Familial loyalty is a large factor in how individuals deal with their elderly parents. I work with a few women who are Iranian and they will work, work, work til they save enough money to bring the rest of their family over here. They are no doubt loving and kind people who will more than likely continue the tradition of caring for family no matter what.

Although maybe the comparison is not appropriate?

I dunno. Personally I lost my family at a fairly young age so along with any loyalty to blood my responsibility to family no longer exists.
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Her generation grew up in the Philippines and her mindset is "I raised you, so you owe it back to take care of me."

Many countries think that way and their mindset is "Pay it back" instead of "Pay it forward"

The situation just really sucks. My brother (the one going to college) is sick of being with her. I too left to join the Army at 17 because of her.
 
no sympathy. cut her off.

on government support, only working part time, has 3 kids, and driving around a new car with $600 payment and buying fancy purses for fuck sake!?

and 40 aint elderly. tell her to sell her car, go back to school and make something of herself while there is still time. plenty of people in their 40's who "wake up" and start college at that age.

by you giving money to her, you are enabling her - and are part of the problem. SO STOP.


and yeah, make sure your wife backs you 110% with whatever you all decide is the right action. Put her, and YOUR kids first. PERIOD. end of story :loco
 
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It does suck and it sounds like you and your struggle is a complicated one.





jh2586 said:
Her generation grew up in the Philippines and her mindset is "I raised you, so you owe it back to take care of me."

Many countries think that way and their mindset is "Pay it back" instead of "Pay it forward"

The situation just really sucks. My brother (the one going to college) is sick of being with her. I too left to join the Army at 17 because of her.
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jh2586 said:
Her generation grew up in the Philippines and her mindset is "I raised you, so you owe it back to take care of me."

Many countries think that way and their mindset is "Pay it back" instead of "Pay it forward"

The situation just really sucks. My brother (the one going to college) is sick of being with her. I too left to join the Army at 17 because of her.
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Often it's parents help w/ college tuition (some or all), help w/ down payment of 1st house, and help take care of your kids while you and mrs go work. The "pay it back" is taking care of parents when they are older. Obviously there's variations on this, but just plain ol' "I raised you as a child" doesn't qualify for paying it back IMO. It's a moot point though, since since the oldest son is supposed to take care of the parents when they are old. Well the oldest son is supposed to get the majority or all of the inheritance too, which does not seem to be in the cards for you.

btw OP what does the mrs say? it's not like our opinion matters, or even yours :)
 
jh2586 said:
Her generation grew up in the Philippines and her mindset is "I raised you, so you owe it back to take care of me."

Many countries think that way and their mindset is "Pay it back" instead of "Pay it forward"

The situation just really sucks. My brother (the one going to college) is sick of being with her. I too left to join the Army at 17 because of her.
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I've seen the "culture" card played before, I'm sure we all have. There's no connection to what was going on in the Phillipines and what she's doing here. In the Phillipines the family unit works TOGETHER for the betterment of ALL. She's just using guilt as a tool to benefit herself.

If it sounds like I don't have much sympathy for this behavior, you'd be correct. My own family has similar issues.
 
gnahc79 said:
Often it's parents help w/ college tuition (some or all), help w/ down payment of 1st house, and help take care of your kids while you and mrs go work. The "pay it back" is taking care of parents when they are older. Obviously there's variations on this, but just plain ol' "I raised you as a child" doesn't qualify for paying it back IMO. It's a moot point though, since since the oldest son is supposed to take care of the parents when they are old. Well the oldest son is supposed to get the majority or all of the inheritance too, which does not seem to be in the cards for you.

btw OP what does the mrs say? it's not like our opinion matters, or even yours :)
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For the longest time, I thought that my mother suffered from some type of personality disorder or some imbalance. She has burned EVERY single bridge in her life. She believes the world is against her and that EVERYONE is wrong and that she is right. Turns out that she is just very self-centered and puts herself before anyone or anything else. Lol, I'm just venting now :laughing

But to give you an example of what my mom likes to do. She will befriend you to the point where she asks you for money, or favors or whatever.. then it comes time to pay back, she disappears and changes her phone number lol.

She has changed her phone number SO many times, that I don't even save it when she calls or texts.. she probably changes her number on average once per month or so.

So back to your question, my wife.... not too fond of my mom. She does not want me to help her in any way. She doesn't mind me giving money DIRECTLY to my brother (older one) so he could go and buy himself and the younger one some clothes or other things they need.
 
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wow new phone# every month. As much as you would love to just forget about your mom and decide to never support her, you and the mrs will still need to play out the worst case scenario and what both of you will do. Worst case being your mom is alone, in piles of debt, and about to become one of those bag/recycle ladies that push a cart around town.
good luck dude, you got 2 out of the 3 topics of major conflict in a marriage (money, in laws, and sex) bundled into one. Wait you have a new baby too right? 3 out of 3! seriously though, you and the mrs need to stick together to get through all of this.

my parents had something similar, except it was bailing out the black sheep brother on my dad's side. Black sheep brother lived w/ mom and mom was on his side...that was fun for my parents to deal with (they are still happily married). My wife's parents had a money-to-family-abroad issue and it was one reason they got divorced.
 
jh2586 said:
For the longest time, I thought that my mother suffered from some type of personality disorder or some imbalance. She has burned EVERY single bridge in her life. She believes the world is against her and that EVERYONE is wrong and that she is right. Turns out that she is just very self-centered and puts herself before anyone or anything else. Lol, I'm just venting now :laughing

But to give you an example of what my mom likes to do. She will befriend you to the point where she asks you for money, or favors or whatever.. then it comes time to pay back, she disappears and changes her phone number lol.

She has changed her phone number SO many times, that I don't even save it when she calls or texts.. she probably changes her number on average once per month or so.

So back to your question, my wife.... not too fond of my mom. She does not want me to help her in any way. She doesn't mind me giving money DIRECTLY to my brother (older one) so he could go and buy himself and the younger one some clothes or other things they need.
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How did Mamasan live this long using people around her like this? After a while, people figure it out and get tired of it.
 
mean dad said:
I bet your mom did not live frivolously beyond her means like OP's mom is. I'm sure I could be wrong, but I would also bet that living off the largesse of others and the government isn't as accepted in Japanese culture as it is here.
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You're absolutely right. Extremely responsible, never asked anybody for anything. Wanted us to put her in a convalescent home so she wouldn't be a burden. No, I don't think so.
 
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